Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.