We Get By with a Little Help from our Friends

Our friend Bryan at Me and Pedro has strong feelings about tonight's Pistons/Celtics game. We're not going to argue with his seemingly impenetrable logic. We'll only add that Bryan rarely speaks with such certitude about the outcome of a ballgame, and that we're sure that Stern will still come through with a call into the zebras for the men in green in Game 7, should it come to that.

The pick: Pistons -5 over Celtics

Youth: Wasted on the Dumb

Today we wish to bring your attention to the dumbest website that we’ve seen in some time: http://www.thingsyoungerthanmccain.com/. The moron who is responsible for this website wants to make John McCain’s age an issue in this year’s Presidential campaign because he believes that “because the world is a pretty complicated place right now . . . it’s not such a great time to elect our oldest President ever.” This is so f*cking stupid our heads our spinning.

What the dummy who is responsible for this website apparently fails to understand, along with all of the other idiots who want to suggest that McCain is too old to be President, is that the human lifespan is increasing. Anyone who can remember back at least 20 years or so ago should be able to realize that 50 years old today is not what it used to be. Nor is 60, 70, etc. Due to improvements in modern medicine, sanitation, the fact that machines now do much of the hard labor that people used to have to do, and generally increased knowledge of how to take care of ourselves, among other things, we are living longer healthier lives, and this is a good thing – a sign of progress. Moreover, the older that a person can be healthy enough to be President, the better, because an older person will have more years of experience living on Earth than otherwise, and experience is what creates wisdom. This, also a good thing for a President to have. We think that people who don’t get this and make ageist websites and arguments against people who are older than they are deserve to be made redundant at their jobs due to mandatory age limits, and deserve to be ignored by their offspring and placed in nursing homes where their diapers will not be changed as often as they should. And we’re sure that folks like this, with such a bleak outlook on aging, will live out a self-fulfilling prophecy, and will end up in diapers far sooner than those who hold the more reasonable outlook that every day ought to be better than the last. Then, when these people are in diapers, and their offspring will neither visit them in the nursing home nor listen to any of their wise advise, we hope that they will feel bad for making such stupid websites.

As an intellectual antidote to this offensive McCain website, we offer this piece by Ryan Cole published in the 2/27/08 Wall Street Journal, titled “Is McCain Too Old.” This piece briefly touches upon the careers of great world leaders like Winston Churchill, Charles De Gaulle, Golda Meir, Ronald Reagan, and Nelson Mandela, all of whom held office at approximately the same age as McCain would, if he is elected. Mr. Cole explains that:

“This diverse group of leaders shares a common denominator: They faced trying challenges in office and held the reins of power at momentous times in their country's history. They each had a great impact on their respective countries that continues to this today. They are remembered by their accomplishments -- great and visionary war-time leadership, rapprochement and reconciliation in the shadow of war and racial division, and steadfast commitment to defeating the last century's threats to peace and freedom. They are not remembered for their age at the time they entered office.

True enough, age can bring its share of infirmities. But with age can also come knowledge, understanding and expertise. Prior to becoming heads of state, many great leaders were soldiers, generals, ambassadors, activists, political prisoners, governors and ordinary citizens involved for decades with the political system of their respective countries. Some of that same patina can be seen on John McCain's résumé.

Given this precedent, a strong case can be made that age should not be a factor in picking our next president -- unless Mr. McCain, to paraphrase Reagan's famous quip to Walter Mondale, chooses to exploit, for political purposes, his opponent's youth and inexperience.”

Cleveland Frowns 2008 Person of the Year Nominee: Lyndon Antcliff

On the night of the day that we nominated Ralph Hardy for our 2008 Person of the Year award, we had beers with our good friend DF who said that while the story of Ralph Hardy was probably too good to be true, he was glad that it was written in the first place. So are we, which is why we're nominating online marketer Lyndon Antcliff for our 2008 Person of the Year award because it turns out that he completely fabricated the Hardy story to help his client, Money.co.uk, direct more traffic to its website. According to Antcliff himself (look in the comments for commenter "Lyndon"), "the story is [a]bsolutely-completely-utterly a fabrication, a tissue of lies weaved in a fog of deceit. Or what most people would call satire. Nowhere do I see the author claiming this is true or that it is attributed to a news report."

When taken to task by fellow internet marketers, Antcliff was unapologetic: "[A]s I am not a journalist and as I did not claim it to be true I don't feel bad at all. I let people decide for themselves wether it is true. News organisations contstantly publish untruths dressed up and news and people don't seem to mind all that much. So when Fox news picks up a story with no corraboration or even an author and then dresses it up as true, that is where your ire should be pointed at. . . . My background is as a fiction writer, stories are written as if they actually happen, it's what Shakespeare did, it's what Hemingway did. I wrote in the style of a news report but it was fiction, just like the Daily News makes a program in the style of a news show. . . . I didn't dupe the media, the idiots duped themselves, they are responsible for what they print not me. If they are stupid enough to print a story that has no basis in fact and does not even have a writer listed then tough! I don't give a toss what they think, if they want to play fast and loose with their website it's their problem. It's a pretty stupid thing to say I am responsible for what someone else puts on their website. If you are going to print a story, get it verified. I know that and I am not even a journalist, lol."

Lol indeed. Except that we're not sure that Money.co.uk doesn't have a fraud claim against Antcliff. Philipp Lenssen points out at Google Blogoscope that Antcliff "managed to lower the image of his apparent client, Money.co.uk, who got themselves involved in a very shady marketing technique," and "Jonathan Crossfield writes [at his blog], 'if this article is incorrect, how can a reader trust any of the financial advice contained on the site?'"

Cleveland Frowns hopes that this nomination (and perhaps the big prize) will take the sting out of any judgment that Antcliff might be forced to pay. We also think that Antcliff should go back to fiction writing. The Ralph Hardy Chronicles anyone?

There's a smarmy piece on this over at Gawker as well which is worthwhile mainly for a link to this story about Jenkem. Leroy Jenkems! And pardon us for being optimists, Pareene. We think that the occasional internet hoax is a small price to pay.

We are the World, We are David Stern's

Ed’s note: Due to a technical error, this post was deleted in its entirety when we tried to edit its labels for more accurate classification. We’ve had this problem with posts that include YouTube videos. Unfortunately we don’t have a copy of our original post. We do remember that we expressed our belief that the above video provided interesting food for thought, and that issues surrounding race might be particularly interesting in Japan because of “sakoku” (meaning “country in chains”), Japan’s foreign policy, in place for over 200 years until 1853. Wikipedia tells us that under sakoku, “no foreigner or Japanese could enter or leave the country on penalty of death” for over 200 years, until 1853. In this post we also predicted that the Lakers would beat the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals. We noted that with the Chicago Bulls, of the NBA’s third largest media market, winning the NBA’s draft lottery despite the longest of odds, everything seemed to be coming up Stern; and also that this development, combined with the impending Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals, was further proof that it’s David Stern’s world that we all just live in.

BronBron Bummed By Big Brown Bomb -- Special Report by Coachie Ballgames

Studied up on the G Code.
Said stay down with the frowns.
Now I walk pigeon-toed.

BronBron staggered wildly down the court, drove to his left and threw up a desperate jumper that skidded across the rim to the right. He turned upcourt, perhaps too drained by the thousand invisible daggers protruding from his oft-discussed back to feign more than the slightest consternation over a foul call that never came.

Now, who would be the one to thrust the final dagger in his side? Jesus Shuttlesworth? Nope. Coach Calhoun's finest is still emotionally drained from the last time he balled in a big game, when he popped off Denzel over that letter of intent for Big State. Paul Pierce? He's already been stabbed on the reals soooo…. K.G.? Voltron/Ubuntu's figurehead? Too preoccupied with the peculiar way Rajon had dropped the soap after Game 6. Could he be? First the entire Cleveland crowd now Rondo? Couldn't be! Nahhhh, thought employee #5 as he, yet again, clunked his shot at glory.

Nope. In the end it came down to the aptly named P.J. Brown, either a hobo's Kurt Thomas or a Billionaire Boys Club's Horace Grant, depending on your point of view. Ugh.

Whatever your opinion on the middling efforts of Jim Paxson and Danny Ferry to surround AK-Rowdy's chosen sunn with a championship-level supporting cast or his daffy-duck-esque gait, it was still all there for the taking at the end of Game 7. What if Boobie had been the one taking the clutch threes at the end of the game? What if LeFawn had nailed his own late three? What if he had made that first free throw? Why did no one box out P.(latinum) J.(elly) Brown? What if Bron had enough biofuel left in the Escalade to block Paul "Compared to Dominique? Really? Really??" Pierce on that jump-ball scramble at half-court? Why didn't they call a flagrant on that flagrant on Bigg Z? Why they come up with the witness protection? Why they let the terminator win the election? Come on, pay attention!

What's the silver-dollar hotcake lining? A properly-motivated G can only benefit from such a heartbreaking humbling, as F. Scott Fitzgerald told us in the "The Four Fists." If Lebron truly is the AK-Rowdy Allah to Bird's Basketball Jesus then he will spend his summer working tirelessly on his jumper, as both Jordan and Bryant did before him. Required summer reading should include Bird's "Drive," for how to be a competitive asshole, Bo's "Bo Knows Bo" for Buddhist riddles such as "When I die I want to come back as an F-16" (Bo, Bo, that should be If and not When) and, of course, Frownie's yoga posts. For a title in Northeast Ohio aka The Heart of the Heart of It All, is most assuredly within reach before Jay-Z swoops in with that 40/40 Club loochi for a marquee 2010 debut as a Newark Net (Brooklyn's a bigger pipe dream than one of Mario and Luigi's acid trips). As often as the Cavalier supporting cast is derided, they were still just one errant loose ball or one-more big Bron basket from a Rolling Bones rematch. Bron needs to work on his jumper, fershure, but, like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes, he'll never go platinum without 'em.

Ed's. note: We're taking the Celtics to win their series with Detroit because of Ubuntu, because they've already taken out the best player in the league, and because David Stern wants them to win. The Pick Celtics -150 over Detroit Pistons to win the series.

Are You There God? It's Me, Frownie

No. No we are not enjoying this Cavs/Celtics series. With every step LeBron takes up or down the court, we feel his pain acutely, even if he doesn’t. If we could bet on this, we would bet that LeBron is taking frequent Varsity Blues-style pain-killer shots before, during, and maybe after these games. Part of us can hardly blame him. He’s a competitor, a warrior, he knows he’s the best player in the game, and nobody is going to convince him that he can't and won’t lead the Cavs to victory in any given game. With this mindset, it is easier for him than it is for us to overlook the long term damage that he’s doing to himself. We hope we’re wrong, and we wish that we could talk ourselves out of this, but we can’t. We realize that LeBron has played some excellent ball in this series, and has made some explosive plays. But the fact that he is doing this is only a testament to his otherworldly talent, not his health, which continues to deteriorate before our eyes. He is almost lumbering down the court at times, and wears a near constant wince on his face. The fact that he’s horse-collared out of mid air by the opposing team at least 5 times per game doesn't help, and even lends an air of quixotic absurdity to his efforts. It is killing us. We want it to stop. The Pistons next round? And then the Lakers? Put the needle away LeBron. It’s not worth it. Get healthy. You have a long career in front of you. Choose life.

So today we pray to the Basketball Goddz to spare us another Pyrrhic victory and let our guys go home. And, since we’ve come this far, broken, bloodied, and bruised, we’re going to see it all the way through and put our money where our prayers are: The pick: Celtics -8 over the Cavs.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 6 Preview, and A Major Award

We wrote before Game 5 on Wednesday that while folks expected the Game 5 LeBron magic that we've grown accustomed to, LeBron did not have it in him, physically, to get it done. We were right. LeBron busted out of the gates with 23 first half points, but was ineffective in the second half. Folks who want to credit the Celtics defense for this are giving the Celtics defense too much credit. LeBron is hurt. And his hurt back is even going to his head. He's forgetting to tip waiters at his favorite restaurants, which embarrasses all of us Clevelanders. The boy needs rest.

So now David Stern turns his attention to the next round, where his Celtics must get over the Detroit Pistons in the next round to arrive at Stern's wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest. Stern knows it will be no easy task for the Boston to get over the Stones, and we don't expect he's taking any chances with this one. To get the Celtics some extra rest, he'll call in the zebras tonight in Cleveland. We're picking another Celtics victory tonight. We're not even sad about it. The state of LeBron's health right now is such that a Cavs victory would be phyrric. We'll be launching our "he better not play in the Olympics" campaign next week. The Pick: Celtics +2.5 over Our Broken Cavs.

Finally -- if anyone doubts just how powerful the forces are that are behind the impending Stern wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest, consider again the free pass that Kevin Garnett has received for pounding his chest and screaming "f*cking f*ggots" to the Cleveland crowd, all captured in slow motion on TNT. Compare this to the treatment that our own Brady Quinn received from major media outlets when he was alleged to use an anti-gay slur in a fight outside of a bar in Columbus this winter. This wasn't even captured on camera, let alone broadcast in slow-motion to millions. Try this google search, "Kevin Garnett anti-gay slur." Our Wednesday post about this issue is the number one result, with no other major media coverage of this story anywhere in sight. Try "Kevin Garnett gay slur" The results are even more remarkable. Cleveland Frowns is the third result, and the first two are stories about the ALLEGED Brady Quinn incident. We will write more about the disparate treatment these two incidents have received in the media in a later post, but for now, we wonder: are we missing something? To find out, we'll send a Major Award, aka a $50 money order, to the first Cleveland Frowns reader who can direct our attention to coverage of this issue in a major American publication this week. We'll define major loosely, as a publication that appears to be more "major" than the site of our friends at Waiting for Next Year. Email us at clevelandfrowns@gmail.com with your results. Happy hunting!

Fan-imosity: An Ugly Side of Sports -- Special Report by Dennis B.

While no major American city has a sports history that’s as remarkably tortured as Cleveland’s, the city of Philadelphia is phoremost among the few that come close. Here at Cleveland Frowns, we believe that getting over our own curse is as simple as coming to terms (and getting rid of) the racist caricature, Chief Wahoo, that represents our baseball team (and something much worse). Burying Wahoo will be no easy task, for certain, but it seems to be something little compared to what it looks like the Philly fans must get over to break their own curse. To illustrate this point, we present the following piece by loyal reader and a friend who's been with Cleveland Frowns before anyone knew what being with us was, Dennis B., a Cleveland area native who was raised a Pittsburgh sports fan. Dennis went to Tuesday night’s Stanley Cup semifinals match in Philadelphia between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Philadelphia Flyers, and has filed the following report:

Fan-imosity: An Ugly Side of Sports – by Dennis B.

I’ve never been big hockey fan, but after attending my first professional hockey game this week, I’ll quickly admit that playoff hockey comes second to none in the sports world for intensity and atmosphere. I learned this first hand Tuesday night at Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Finals between the Penguins and Flyers here in Philly. The atmosphere was as intense as I've ever experienced at a sporting event. Think fast paced action of the NBA combined with the sudden death scoring element of soccer, and the punch-your-face-in element of a street fight – and all of it on ice. The Flyers were down 0-2 in the series and a 3^rd straight loss would have put the dagger in them. So let’s just say the crowd might have been a little more fired up than usual.

I grew up in Cleveland and was raised as a Pittsburgh sports fan so I’m a something of a lost sports soul living here in Philly. I had some idea of what I was getting into by representing Pittsburgh at last night’s game, but never expected it would be as bad as it was. I went to the game with three friends who are die-hard Penguins fans. Two of them were decked out in full gear while two of us simply wore Pittsburgh hats. We were harassed a whole lot which we expected and understand, to some extent. But when the harassment turns into physical confrontation and violence, it’s time for us to re-evaluate ourselves as fans of a game. (Read that last line again, this is all over a GAME.)

I'm no stranger to rowdy and hostile environments at sporting events (I’ve been to many Eagles, Phillies, Steelers, and Big Ten football games, among others), but have never been in a situation this bad. It was so bad that I decided to take off my hat halfway through the game to appear to be neutral. I told my friends (and they agreed) that pride could take a backseat to safety. We were seemingly outnumbered 20,000 to 4, and I saw no reason to be a hero in these circumstances. A few minutes later I was in the bathroom and watched as a fan in a Pens jersey had full beers thrown at his head while he was taking a leak. There were two 8 year olds in the men’s room at the time with their dad. I jokingly asked the dad if his kids heard this kind of awful language and saw things like this on the school bus. He shook his head in disbelief. Needless to say, I can’t imagine that this father, or others in similar situations, will bring his kids to another game. And what’s scary is that some of them do. Maybe that’s the problem. As I was walking back to my seat, about 10 ushers & cops in the arena went running past me towards the bathroom. I have an idea of what could have happened.

And here’s where it gets worse for our group. As we’re walking to our car after the game, the harassment continued, but in more dangerous form - full bottles and cans were continually fired at us in the parking lot. Even the die-hard Eagles fan who was in our group couldn't believe the hostility. (And Eagles fans are known to be the worst. After all, they booed Santa Claus one year at a home game in December) We were advised to pick up and carry beer bottles with us all the way to the car just in case something went down.

I understand and accept hard-core fans and home team pride, hell, I love those things, and I am those things. But I'll never understand resorting to physical violence and wanting to put someone in the hospital because they wear a different colored jersey. I realize that booze fuels a lot of this, but even buzzed friends can prevent friends from getting involved in this nonsense. I’m not pointing my finger just at Flyers or Philadelphia fans. It happens in every city to some extent. But it's a damn shame, especially for those of us who live in the city where it's most rampant. And after all that I’ve seen first hand at Philadelphia sporting events and elsewhere, I’m sure that it doesn’t get worse than it gets here. It’s also a shame that after this experience I’ll never find myself rooting for the Flyers, even though I came into the game as a relatively unbiased fan, and now call Philadelphia my home.

Of course, with all of that said, if the Pens look like a sucker bet in Game 4, there’s only one thing to do: pony up on the Flyers and root up, because, as Frownie up there knows well, bizness is bizness.

Cavs vs. Celtics: Game 5 Preview

Before we get to talking about tonight's game, we want to express our shock at the lack of reporting/public outcry about the fact that media darling Kevin Garnett shouted an anti-gay slur (f*cking f*gg*ts) at the Cleveland crowd during game four. This was picked up by and broadcast in slo-mo by the TNT crew, as you can see in the above video. While this has been discussed on some local blogs, there has been nothing on ESPN about Garnett's hateful use of the word, and a Google searches using terms like "Kevin Garnett" "slur" "gay" "anti-gay" and "f-ggot" turn up no major media stories about this incident. We're awfully curious as to why this is the case, but it is consistent with the general media fawning over Garnett and this Celtics team, and only reinforces our conspiracy theories about David Stern and his plans for an untainted Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals.

As for tonight's game: The last two games have shown that the Celtics have bigger problems than most people anticipated (excellent piece by Bill Simmons today about that), and that LeBron's supporting cast is better than they've been given credit for. The big trade for Ben Wallace, Wally Sczerbiak, Joe Smith, and Delonte West is paying big dividends, with all four players making tremendous contributions in Game 3 and 4. Now the Cavs have the momentum going into game five in Boston tonight, in a round 2 where road teams are 1-17. Cavs expert Brian Windhorst reminds us that the Cavs have been here before, and this is where LeBron has been at his best, having led the team to victory in Detroit in the exact same situation in each of the last two years.

But in both of these games, LeBron has, quite literally, carried the team on his back. As Cleveland Frowns readers well know, we don't think he has it in him, physically, to do that tonight. Despite his well-rounded performance, and his jaw dropping dunk on Monday night, LeBron's scoring output is significantly down, he's still shooting well below 30% for the series, and, with rare exceptions, is not moving with the same force and speed that we're accustomed to seeing. We're going to keep hedging, and stick with the Celtics, and will of course be pleasantly surprised if our pick is wrong. The Pick: Celtics -9 over Our Cavs.

Cleveland Frowns 2008 Person of the Year Nominee: Ralph Hardy

It’s taken awhile, but we’ve finally found someone worthy of being nominated for the Cleveland Frowns 2008 Person of the Year Award. It’s 13 year-old Ralph Hardy, from Newark, Texas, whose story is brought to us by Money magazine by way of PerezHilton.com:

“A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order. . . Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel. . . .

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr. Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities. . . .

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead."

Now for the best part:

“Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.”

We agree with friend of the Frown, DF, who asks and answers: What kind of 13 year-old boy threatens a $1000 an hour call-girl with a discrimination claim? HINT: The best kind.

The world is not a particularly friendly place for the average 13 year old. So much tough talk on the playgrounds and at the mall -- and tv, and the movies, and the internet. What's a kid to make of it all with such little experience to draw upon (and a father who's too busy to pay any attention)? Not much, which is why we can only admire the fearless leadership that young Mr. Hardy demonstrated in his quest to better understand the ways of the world. He provides us with a welcome reminder that with each generation comes the promise of a better day. Which leads us to the closing line of the Money mag story:

“Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician.”

We think he's off to a great start. Once again, we can’t put it better than DF:

Ralph Hardy - 2032: Because it's time to get America back on track.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 4 Preview

We think that the above photo from Game 3 says it all about how LeBron is feeling these days. He shot 5-16 from the floor on Saturday putting up a total of 21 points. The rest of the Cavs shot 32-54 (59%) to lead the Cavs to victory. According to CBSSports.com, "James' 22.4 percent field goal percentage in the first three games is the worst of any three-game stretch in playoff history since the 1977-78 ABA-NBA merger."

It would be amazing if the rest of the Cavs could carry LeBron to another win against the Celtics tonight in Game 4. We don't think it's likely, and since our hedging strategy worked so well on Saturday, we'll do the same thing tonight. The pick: Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Lemonade: So Bitter. So Sweet.

We realize that it doesn’t take much, but our minds are absolutely blown by the fact that nobody is suggesting that LeBron’s singularly un-LeBron like poor performance in the first two games of this playoff series against the Boston Celtics is due to a back injury. LeBron sat out a number of games at the end of the season because his back was hurting. As we’ve written/proselytized at length, back problems are serious, and anyone with feet aligned as LeBron’s are would be susceptible to back problems. If his back was hurting at the end of the season, why would it be hurting any less now? After more basketball games? After playoff basketball games? Against Soulja Boy? Despite what the dummies that are paid to write about our Cavs are writing, it’s no mystery why LeBron is playing so badly against the Celtics. His back hurts. He would not be playing like this if he was not hurt. The Celtics are not the Spurs. That this is apparently not obvious goes a long way toward explaining why the Cavs are favored to win tonight. We also understand that LeBron has Juice (JUICE), especially in front of the home crowd, and people rightly believe in him. We also suppose that Cavs backers are also encouraged by the fact that all three of the other Conference Semifinalists in this year’s playoffs won and covered after returning home in their respective series in 0-2 holes. It’s true. When people make bad picks those bad picks are usually based on bad reasons. In view of LeBron’s back problems, the above mentioned are all bad reasons to take the Cavs tonight. 60% of the players are playing the Cavs here. Reee-markable.

Maybe the Cavs will win tonight, but we can’t see any good reasons why we should put our Magic Stones on them. We’re pretty sure that the sooner this season ends the better. LeBron needs rest. Let’s not get down about this sweep, Brownstowners. It should be good for LeBron, and therefore good for us, in the long term. Let’s take these playoff lemons that have been thrown at us and turn them into some lemonade. Let’s take the Celts tonight. Even if we lose, we win. The pick: Boston Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.

Western Conference Semifinals Game 2: All Jazz Hands On Deck

We received the following insulting email this afternoon from the folks at Sportsbook.com:

"Hi [Cleveland Frowns],

Here's Sportsbook.com's Game of the Day:
The Lakers are peaking at the perfect time as they have won 13 out of their last 14 games straight up while covering their last seven games. Their average margin of victory in those seven covers was an impressive 15.4 points. In fact, out of those seven games, only one opponent was able to keep the final score within single digits. Utah, on the other hand, is just 1-4 against the spread in their last five games. Finally, the three times they visited the Lakers this season, Utah lost by double digits each time. Considering the intel above, it’s hard to blame the 79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers (-7).

Regards,

The Sportsbook.com Team"

Regards? More like reTards. As best we can tell this email tells us that the Lakers are on a good streak, and the Jazz are on a bad one. Only someone who is retarded would consider this information to be “intel.” And if this is all the info that the “79% of the early bettors pounding the Lakers -7” are going on then we can, in fact, blame them. We can blame them for BWR -- betting while retarded. This intel-insulting message from Sportsbook.com gives us reason enough to take the Jazz and the points tonight, but we probably would have anyway. We’re still mad about Kobe’s MVP award, and the Jazz looked good to us on Sunday even though they lost by 11. Deron Williams was all over the place, demonstrating his dopeness and consistently setting his teammates up with wide open looks which they consistently clanked off the iron. We expect them to hit more of these wide open shots tonight. Plus, now Kobe has his stupid award, so the Heisman effect will be more likely to have kicked in by now. Our attitude toward the “79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers” is aptly demonstrated in the above photo of Utah forward Andrei “I Must Break You” Kirilenko. The pick: Utah Jazz +7 over L.A. Lakers.

Update -- 5/8/08-- 7:36 AM: The NBA obviously really wants to see the Lakers in the NBA Finals. We thought we didn't have to worry about this after the Tim Donaghy scandal last year, but the refs were all over the Jazz last night, who were whistled for ten more fouls than the Lakers, and more importantly, shot only 16 free throws to the Lakers' 43. If the refs had it in for a team (like we think they do for Utah), they'd have to be careful to call enough fouls on the other team so that things wouldn't be too suspicious. They'd try to call these fouls against their favored team when these fouls wouldn't matter. There were more than a few times when Utah would pull down a defensive rebound and the refs would whistle the Lakers on a ticky-tack foul, giving the Jazz the ball out of bounds, when they already had the ball and a fresh shot clock anyway. These fouls are inconsequential to the outcome of the game. Phil Jackson himself even noticed the inconsistency of the refs, complaining publicly after game 1, saying: "It's a very uneven refereed ballgame. You know, they're calling little fouls one place and not fouls the other. It makes it very difficult to play a good, emotional game. So, that's tough. " This is exactly what the refs were doing, but we think they were doing so to create an advantage for the Lakers, who shot 16 more free throws than the Jazz in Game 1.

We still think that the Jazz look like a better team than the Lakers, but the refs are simply not letting them play their game. Two Utah starters have fouled out in each of the two games, and Utah star Carlos Boozer sat for most of the first half last night with foul trouble. Conspiracy theory? Excuse? Perhaps. But we can't deny what we see out there. And the free throw numbers don't lie. Plus, there is a lot of money to be made with a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. If markets are efficient, we have to be suspicious. David Stern was interviewed at halftime of last night's game and couldn't help himself, gushing like a schoolgirl about the turnaround seasons of the Lakers and Celtics, saying that these two teams "give hope" to the fans of other NBA teams. Nonsense. With the way this Lakers/Jazz series is playing out, it's precisely the opposite.

One last note: We're not blind to the possibility that the Jazz might be being punished by the Basketball Goddz for this. Yikes.

Update -- 5/7/08 -- 1:26 PM: We're not the only conspiracy theorists out there. T.J. Simers has this to say in today's LA Times:

"NBA Commissioner David Stern stopped by the press room before the game and said he had just met with the referees, I presume to remind them how excited he is about the upcoming Boston-L.A. Finals.

For some reason when this game started, the refs called four fouls on Utah, none on the Lakers, and then tagged Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan with a technical foul.No need to make it so obvious, guys.If Stern is worried about a Lakers-Celtics matchup, he ought to be spending most of his time with Boston. . . .

Utah shot the ball well early, but once the referees got into the game, it began to tip toward the Lakers. No doubt Tim Donaghy would have bet as much.Stern's crew took Utah's best player, Carlos Boozer, out of the game with a pair of first-quarter fouls, and then added another 19 seconds after he returned to start the second quarter. Boozer finished the half with no points, the refs doing the best job of defense on Boozer in the NBA this season.

Bryant also picked up two fouls, but his second came with the Lakers up by 15 with less than 30 seconds left in the first quarter and Bryant probably headed to the bench anyway for a rest.Final first-half stats, the Lakers making 15 of 19 free throws, the Jazz going four for six from the line and Stern being treated to a 14-point Lakers advantage.

The Lakers had 27 free-throw attempts, Utah eight after three quarters, and the Jazz still managed to keep it close. But that's the NBA for you, every game seemingly arranged so it will somehow remain close going into the final two minutes -- like that really happens.The Lakers won, Bryant got his Podoloff, and all in all, a good night for Stern and the NBA."

These are facts.

Note: We expressly disavow Simers' statements in his piece about Kobe's MVP award.

Eastern Conference Semifinals: Cavs vs. Celtics and Curse of Wahoo

We don’t have much to add to what’s already been said about the series between the Cavs and Celtics. We know that the Celtics are stronger on paper, and that our Cavs have problems; and the fact that the Cavs are whopping 5-1 underdogs despite LeBron’s playoff chops and the Celtics problems with the Hawks shows that the experts feel strongly about a Boston victory here. Of course, we’ve come to believe that anything is possible with LeBron. And this Celtics team is a little too contrived for our taste - it just seems like too much, metaphysically speaking, for the Boston organization to go from the cellar to the penthouse with just a few personnel moves in one off-season. But as our teams progress in the playoffs, the Curse of Wahoo grows stronger and stronger. Too strong for us to play the Cavs here. We’ll watch, and we’ll root for Cavs, but we're through banging our heads into the Curse of Wahoo. Until it lifts, we’re forced to keep our distance in circumstances like this.

Magic Stones Game 2 Pick

After sitting for a few extra days upon easily disposing of the Toronto Raptors in 5 games, we expected the Orlando Magic to come out rusty in Game 1 of their series with Detroit. We like their chances to right the ship tonight in Game 2. The Magic rely on the 3-point shot, but only made two on Saturday; their lowest output of the year. Magic star Dwight Howard only scored 12 points, to go with 6 rebounds and no blocks -- his lowest output of the postseason by far. We’ll chalk this up to the long layoff and opening night jitters. While the Magic played Detroit close through the first three quarters, they never found their rhythm. In keeping with our series play, we think that things can only get better for the Magic tonight. Plus, the Pistons are running their mouths, which is dumb. We’ll join the 27% of Game 2 players at Sportsbook.com who are taking the points tonight. The pick: Orlando Magic +6.5 over Detroit Pistons.

Update - 5/6/08 -8:43 AM: The Magic's 100-93 loss was what we call in the business "a bad beat" for those who took the points last night. Dwight Howard was vastly improved last night, pulling down 22 points and 28 boards, and the Magic were knocking down their threes (11-26). Down by 2 with roughly 30 seconds left in the game it looked like they had the cover locked up, but they couldn't make a play in those last 30 seconds and the Pistons hit all of their free throws to finish ahead by 7. Making matters worse, the referees mishandled a clock malfunction by allowing a Chauncey Billups' three-pointer at the end of the third period to stand, even though replays showed that it should have been disallowed. A bad beat. The last thing we'll say is that as Magic backers, we'd rather see the ball in Hedo Turkoglu's hands instead of Rashard Lewis's at the end of a game. We'll be back later this afternoon with a look at tonight's NBA action.

LeBron Robbed; Kobe to Win MVP; Cleveland Frowns Throws Up Jazz Hands

So it looks like Kobe Bryant is our 2007-2008 NBA MVP. Kobe is our MVP even though LeBron joined Oscar Robertson and Michael Jordan this season to become the third man in NBA history to average at least 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists per game. This is so beyond dumb that it’s hard for us to get worked up about it. By every measure LeBron James is having a better season than Kobe, and I don’t think it can be questioned that the if the two players switched teams, the Lakers would be better, and the Cavs would be worse. (Would any Cavs fan trade LeBron for Kobe? No.) Anyone who wants to argue this point must explain why LeBron has elevated his Playoff game in each year of his career and was able to singlehandedly lead the Cavs to the NBA Finals last season, while Kobe has struggled to lead a stronger supporting cast to a .500 record for the last three seasons without making a peep in the playoffs. Kobe proponents point to the Lakers better record in a better conference. Kelly Dwyer, in two excellent posts at Yahoo Sports about why LeBron should be MVP, responds well to these dummies:

“[Kobe] shouldn't be handed an MVP just because Andrew Bynum can ball now and the Grizzlies decided to hand the Lakers Pau Gasol. Meanwhile, James is just destroying people in Cleveland. Pulling in more rebounds on a team that owns the boards even without him (there's not a lot of stray rebounds to go around) and racking up assists on a team that can't shoot straight (44.1 percent, 24th in the NBA).

And yet, those who still consider Bryant to be having the better season than LeBron have no issue overlooking the fact that Bryant scores less, shoots worse, rebounds worse, assists worse, and plays on a team that averages fewer possessions than James' team. To them, Kobe's better because ... well, he just is.

The, "LeBron plays in the East!" cry is getting a little old. LBJ averages 29.8 points, 47.4 percent shooting, 7.1 assists, and 7.9 rebounds against Western teams. When James plays, the Cavs are 16-11 against the West. Kobe averages 29.7 points, 48.8 percent shooting, 6.5 boards, and 5.4 assists (again, in games with more possessions) against the West -- awesome -- but for some reason lets his averages go to relative pot against the East. You'd think it'd be because of the Lakers blowing Eastern teams out, but Kobe actually averages more minutes per game against Eastern squads than against Western outfits, and contributes less. Weird.

Worse, James is going to get burned by voters who will credit him for MVPs likely won from 2009-2019 and hand it to Kobe just because he's playing "unselfish" basketball."

LeBron dominates while carrying a bad team on his back, putting up better stats than Kobe in all major categories. He's nearly averaging a triple double in the playoffs, while playing with a bad back. Kobe is less productive on a better team. Kobe’s award makes clear that the NBA MVP award has become a lifetime achievement award like the kind that they hand out at the Oscars or Grammys. Dumb dumb dumb.

The least we can do about this injustice is make a play on the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semifinals. We’re not crazy about Utah; we’re concerned with Carlos Boozer’s poor play against Houston in the first round (and with the fact that he is a traitor), we’re pretty sure that the Lakers have a deeper bench; and we know that the NBA is salivating over the prospect of a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. But even aside from Kobe’s stupid award, these Lakers just don’t appeal to our BrownsTown sensibilities. We think that Kobe’s MVP award might have the same effect on him that the Heisman trophy has on college players playing in big bowl games. Plus, Utah’s Deron Williams is dope, we’d take Mehmet Okur in a knife fight over anyone on the Lakers roster, and, perhaps most importantly, don’t f*ck with Jerry Sloan. Finally, this play goes well with yesterday’s series play on the Magic because the Jazz are 3 to 1 underdogs, which means that we’d come out substantially ahead even if these two plays split. All reason enough to wave our Jazz hands. The pick: Utah Jazz +300/100 over the Lakers to win the series.

Update: 5/4/08, 3:43 PM --

Bring Out the Magic Stones!

Ours are out, and they're telling us that the Orlando Magic are an excellent play to beat the Detroit Pistons (the 'Stones) in the Eastern Conference Semifinals series that starts tonight in Detroit.

Any good Cleveland sports fan who's been around the block knows that the NBA Playoffs are where new blood comes to a boil. We saw it with LeBron last season, and it reminded us an awful lot of when the then-upstart Bulls sent our Daugherty, Price, Nance, Hot Rod and company packing in the 1989 Conference Finals. We think that the Pistons are a prime candidate for a scalding once again this year. Magic star Dwight Howard averaged 22.6 points, 18.2 rebounds and 3.8 blocks in Orlando's 4-1 series win over the Raptors. The former first overall draft pick has developed into a legitimate superstar. If you had to pick one guy to start a franchise with right now, he'd almost certainly be your number two pick behind LeBron. Hedo Turkoglu, Rashard Lewis, and Jameer Nelson provide a solid supporting cast for Howard. If we can't say for certain that this year's playoffs is Howard's time to shine, we can say that it's damn near close enough to make the Magic an easy pick as 2.5 to 1 underdogs. To clarify, a play of 100 magic stones on Orlando would net you a profit of 250 if they come through.


The Magic and Stones split their regular season series, with each team winning a close game, and a blowout. Detroit swept Orlando in the first round of last year's playoffs, but that was a different Magic team, which didn't have it's second and third leading scorers, Turkoglu and Lewis (who can both play like stars on any given night). Moreover, the experience from last year can only help the Howard and the Magic in this year's series.

We think that Magic coach Stan Van Gundy was trying to complement the Pistons when he recently called them basketball's version of the Atlanta Braves. We think the comparison is particularly apt because, despite all of their regular season success, the Braves have been bounced from the early rounds of the Playoffs in every season in recent memory. Being a team of veteran professionals who know how to endure the grind of the regular season and show up day after day is one thing. As the Pistons learned from LeBron last year, the playoffs are something different. We think the creaky-legged Pistons know this deep down, and will settle well into the role of washed up playoff losers. The Pick: Orlando Magic +240 /100 over Detroit Pistons to win the series.