Sunday, June 29, 2008

Euro Footy 2008 Championship: A Tie for a Better Way

Coachie Ballgames has left us high and dry without a pick for today's Euro Footy Championship match between Germany and Spain. We can't let such an illustrious event pass without a pick, so it looks like we're going to have to fend for ourselves. Thankfully, we've found an angle that we can get behind.

Ballgames once wrote a fine post suggesting that goals are harder to score in soccer championship games, and that these games often end in a tie which is resolved by a shootout. He tells us that: "the average amount of goals scored at the World Cup has been falling steadily with every Cup, with the most recent Cup, in 2006 , averaging only 2.3 goals a game. The numbers fall dramatically for finals, with only 1.6 goals per game for every World Cup Final since 1990."

The weird thing about betting on these games is that, as Sportsbook tells us, "ALL SOCCER BETS WILL BE SETTLED AFTER 90 MINUTES OF PLAY." We're not sure why this rule is in place -- why they won't let us bet on who will actually be the champion, but at least they're sporting enough to give us the option to bet the tie. And this is the way for us to go today. We have no particular affinity for either of these teams (though we are glad to see that Mr. Big from Sex and the City has found something to do now that the show's run is over). If important soccer championships continue to be settled by shootout, which, as we agree with many, is a wholly unsatisfying way to end a match of such a beautiful game, perhaps we might sooner see these games resolved in a more appropriate manner. We like the idea that Coachie B. mentioned in the top linked post of taking one player off the field after every few minutes of overtime. P-P-P-Power Play! So we'll pull for the sister-kisser today. The Pick: Germany and Spain to TIE in regulation.

Friday, June 27, 2008

2008 NBA Draft Analysis

We like the Cavs pick. J.J. Hickson, 6’9, 242 pound, 19 year old freshman power forward from NC State. Why not? The Cavs wanted youth on the front line, and they got it. With upside. NC State is a solid program, and Hickson is young. Real young. Theoretically, the sky’s the limit for him, so we’ll remain optimistic until we have reason not to. Free Darko’s Shoals provided the following analysis of the pick last night on Deadspin:

"My thinking, as of right now—which is how LeBron thinks about this team, which is what matters—is that Hickson < Gooden < Boozer."

Shoals probably didn’t put much thought into this, and it’s a simple way to play into everybody’s favorite NBA storyline, “LeBron’s leaving Cleveland.” But it’s not as though Boozer was traded for Gooden who was then traded for Hickson. We’re also not sure why Hickson can’t soon develop into at least a 10 and 10 guy like Gooden was. And Hickson looks to us to be more athletic than Gooden (watch the video here). He should be able to learn a lot from LeBron, as well as the Cavs' frontline vets, and develop more quickly as a result. We’ll write more about him as more info becomes available. Welcome to Cleveland, J.J. We’re glad to have you.

Update: 12:05 P.M. -- We wrote this before checking out two fantastic posts on Hickson at Waiting for Next Year. Love the quotes here. And agree that "if you don’t believe you can get a player who will make an immediate impact, then it makes sense to pick a guy with a world of talent like Hickson." We're so on board with this Hickson pick.

Thoughts on a few more picks:

We’ve never seen him play, but we like Danilo Gallinari. Of course, Knicks fans are apoplectic that the sixth pick was used on an allegedly slow-footed European. But Danny G. is only 19, and apparently still growing. He’s also known to have impressive offensive skills -- a greeeat outside shot and a nose for the basket. His feet couldn’t be that slow, could they? And can’t this be learned? How fast are Nowitzki’s feet? How good is his “lateral movement”? How much does this matter? Additionally, it’s apparent from the many photos of him on the internet that Gallinari plays with a certain intensity, and he strikes us as having a certain star quality that seems like something different from the braggadocio that we see from American 19-year old basketball stars. And his nickname is Big Cock (he even has his own logo). There’s a fine line between a healthy confidence/cockiness and something worse. Gallinari seems to live close to this line, but how many NBA rookie lottery picks don’t? We’re going to root for him to overcome the slow-footed Euro stereotype because it would be fun to have this guy become a star in New York. Also, we’re just not sure why everyone is so quick to assume that this guy will be a bust. We expect that the draft night boos will provide substantial motivational fuel, and hope that the good people of Italy will get behind their countryman, and provide a moral/social support network for the youngster to help him along the way to stardom stateside.

Finally, bringing Derrick Rose back home to Chicago had to be the right decision. Michael Beasley reminds us of Carmelo Anthony. And why do the Bucks always draft the guy who gets the most pre-draft hype? Andrew Bogut, Yi Jianlian (since traded), and now Joe Alexander. We wouldn’t be surprised if everyone in the Bucks front office paid $900 for iPhones when they were first released.

Now that the draft is over, we’ll tune back into the NBA sometime next May -- unless the Cavs make any trades in the meantime.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Euro 2008 Final Four: Red Fawn

Coachie Ballgames from Shea Hey! is back with what is hopefully another savvy soccer selection.

Hey there Frownie Faithful, it's time for more footy!!! (emerges to chorus of "booooooos", dodges rotten tomatoes, cream pies, Swenson burgers)

About last afternoon: The greatest game that no one ever saw? ESPN lost their feed of the Germany-Turkey game for large chunks of the second half, missing a goal for each team along the way. They came back in time for the perfectly executed winning goal by Phillipp Lahm in the 90th minute, then lost the feed again and pathetically had to ride out the rest of the game relying on watching the crowds on the streets surrounding the stadium to gauge their reaction of when the game ended. Turns out that UEFA mandated one TV feed for the entire world, so one storm ensured that the whole globe shared in the misery of missing out on the thrilling back-and-forth battle. Of course, I'm never against more screen time with Julie Foudy, but shouldn't/couldn't Espn have cut to a radio feed, as other countries did, rather than the studio where they had little idea of what was going on in the game?

And a terrific game it was. I’m thrilled to have been wrong about the under because it meant we saw that footy rarity, a free-flowing game in a major tournament semi-final. Turkey, with its severely depleted roster, had two choices, play everyone back in the box like the Italians and hope to score on a fluke or set piece, or throw caution to the wind and attack like Turkish prosecutors pursuing criminal charges of "insulting Turkishness" against Nobel Prize winning novelist Orhan Pamuk. They chose the latter, often outplaying the tentative Germans and enjoying the better of possession and decent chances on goal.

Today, ESPN has another chance with this delicious Eastern Front rematch, Spain against the CCCP (the Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik, or Union of Soviet Socialist Republics for you non Cyrillic folk, or volk). Of course, a lot has changed since WWII, or the Great Patriotic War, as our Ruskie pals call it. These changes are neatly summed up for us in this little ditty,

"Russian girls are dancing queens, with new wave hair, and Russian jeans! In the Soviet Union new day is coooming, and there will be no more fiiighting!!!" (The first person who can identify the source of this ditty will be awarded a Major Award. We know it exists, we just don't know where it's from. Email clevelandfrowns@gmail.com with any such info.)

Footy fans world wide are the most frontrunner fans of all the sports. This stems partly from the fact that with so many countries and clubs competing just to qualify for the major tournaments, the odds of your team being in it are slim. Another reason is that footy, and I stress this again and again, is such a defensively-skewed game that fans go ape-shit whenever that rare attacking team comes along. That is why Holland and Brasil are often referred to as everyone's second-favorite team, and that is why everyone is suddenly fawning over a previously unheralded (they did lose 3-0 to a sorry England side in qualifying) Russian team that simply eviscerated the high-flying Dutch in their quarterfinal game.

I saw Russian sensation Andrei Arshavin star for Zenit St. Petersburg in their Uefa Cup Final win against Rangers this past May but in no way did I think he feature this prominently for the Ruskies this summer. Without him they lost 4-1 to Spain in their opening game, with him this semi-final today takes on a completely different tenor. This team is young, rosy-cheeked, and they can flat-out fly like the henchman Clarence Boddicker throws out of their getaway van in "Robocop." "Can you fly, Bobby?"




Wait, where was I? Ahh yes, everybody is touting this Russia team to upset Spain, and as I've said, I'm no professional picker, I'm just your average chump, so who am I to buck the fervor, to go against the madding crowd?

Russia 2, Spain 1, commies over fascists, blintzes over tapas, vodka over sangria, Yakov Smirnoff over that bumbling Spanish bellboy from "Fawlty Towers." Das Vidanya!

And if you agree with my pick, then let's all say it together…."I'd buy that for a dollar!!!"




Ed’s Note: We’ll buy it for a dollar. The Pick: Mother Russia over Spain at 3.40-1.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Time for Footy: Euro 2008 -- A Journey into Savvy Soccer Selections

Guest Post by Coachie Ballgames of Shea Hey!

Hi there Frownie Faithful! It's your boy Coachie Ballgames checking in with the hot footy action you've all been craving.

What's that you say? Euro Footy not so popular in America's heartland? What about the long-lost Cleveland Stokers of the old NASL? What about the manly Crew getting it done in C-Bus as we speak? What about the literally hundreds of fans packing Cleveland State's Krenzler's Field to see their beloved City Stars in action?

Ok, enough already, Frowns didn't invite me over here to discuss the state of Ohio footy but rather to share my thoughts of action on this week's euro footy action.

Today's game pits Germany against Turkey, or Deutschland against Turkiye as they would prefer to be called, in the inaugural Mass-Murderers Bowl. The latest odds show the Germans at 4/9 to win, Turkey the decided underdogs at 7/1 whilst impartial observers may want to take the tie at 3/1 (games that end in a shootout are officially considered a draw). Your over/under, as usual is 2.5, for it is such a fine line between two and three goals being scored in a game.

Turkey will be missing as many as nine players through suspension and injury and could arrive at the stadium today with just 13 available outfield players. Meanwhile, Germany's best players, Michael Ballack, Lukas Podolski, Bastian Schweinsteiger, and Jens Lehmann are flying as high as the Luftwaffe.

Turkey's lack of squad depth implies that they will play back in the box, as Italy did against Spain under similar circumstances. One of the more astounding stats about Turkey's run thus far is that they have played 390 minutes of football and have had the lead for all of 9 minutes of them. Germany will have a tough time finding space for their impressive wingers, and without the size advantage they enjoyed against Portugal, will not find things as easy on set pieces from which they have scored three goals thus far this tourney.

Moreover, games, and "squeaky bums" as Sir Alex Ferguson puts it, get tighter in the final stages of a tournament. So take the under and run for cover. Maybe the Pros are right in thinking of O/U action as minor or ancillary to proper picking in other sports, but the O/U seems perfect for footy because goals are so rare.

As for the winner, we'll take a page from Frowns’ book and look at the x-factors. Both countries spent time during the first half of the 20th century attempting to annihilate an entire group of people. The Germans went about their attempt in typically well-organized and complex-engineered German fashion, while the Turks went about theirs, typically, brutally and haphazardly.

Thankfully, the Germans were made to pay the price, through the prosecution and punishment of the masterminds, through reparations, through education and proper teaching of its history, and in the great pains the country and its people have made to make amends. Turkey, however, was never made to pay any price and has gone to great lengths, more than 90 years later, to completely disavow that anything remotely wrong ever took place. Proving George Santayana right, Turkey has moved on to f*cking with the Kurds in its eastern territories.

Turkey's membership in the European Union has been held up over its human rights record and concern over its growing anti-secularism. Instead of addressing its past and solving its current problems, Turkey has chosen instead to put lipstick on a pig by attempting to cast a new image for itself in the west. To that end, they’ve adopted new alternate footy jerseys of white and turquoise and have embarked on a campaign to have their country referred to as Turkiye, as they call their own land, instead of Turkey, because of that word's perceived negative relation to that lean, dry, but tasty 1/3 of a Terducken in English. Understandable goal, but seems like they’re putting the cart before the horse.

Let's roll with the repentant Germans over the obdurate Turks at 1-nil.

Ed’s note: We appreciate that obduracy has its place in certain instances, but this pick sounds good to us. The Pick: We’ll go with the Germans to win at 4-9.

Check back for a preview of tomorrow’s Spain/Russia match, and check out Shea Hey! for regular reports on The Beautiful Game.

Monday, June 23, 2008

The Curse of Chief Wahoo

Whatever one thinks of Chief Wahoo, the face of the Cleveland Indians, one must find remarkable that so few people talk about a “Curse of Chief Wahoo” here in Cleveland, the city suffering the longest and arguably most painful championship drought in major American professional sports. Surveys show that an overwhelming majority of Americans prefer to believe in some metaphysical order, so it’s no surprise that as bad results accumulate, speculation about the metaphysical source of those results -- a curse -- is soon to follow. So, if the Boston Red Sox had to endure an 86-year curse for trading Babe Ruth, and if the Chicago Cubs have been cursed for the last 63 years simply because they wouldn’t let a Greek bring his Billy Goat to a ballgame, why don’t more believe that the Indians, if not all Cleveland franchises, have been cursed for what many view as a hateful affront to the entirety of Native American culture and a callous disrespect for the beginnings of American history? The answer to this question lies in understanding that for a great many, if not most, Indians fans, Chief Wahoo represents something entirely different. It’s long past time for us to come to terms with the Chief. This will not happen until the activists and others who are so convinced of Wahoo’s evil can understand the good that he represents to so many others.

To understand why Chief Wahoo has endured for so long in this world that long ago turned Bullets into Wizards, and Redskins and Redmen into Red Hawks and a Red Storm, one must also understand that for so many Tribe fans, Wahoo represents the very best of “Take me out to the Ballgame.” In Northeast Ohio, one can live in beautiful country that is only a short trip away from a relatively big city. It’s no surprise that many choose to do this. And because such a small percentage of Tribe fans live in Cleveland proper, so much of the joy of going to a ballgame is inseparable with the joy of coming to the big city on the big lake. For so many of us, our first trips to the Stadium were our first times in any real city. So many of us can remember the wonder that came with seeing the bridges over the Cuyahoga for the first time, standing in the Flats and looking up at the city on the cliff, or craning our necks to try to see the top of the first skyscrapers that we’d ever seen. Our parents didn’t want to get stuck in post-game traffic in the Stadium lot. So they parked at the Terminal Tower, or in the Muni Lot, or southwest in the Flats, or southeast by the Greyhound station, and we made the trek through the city to the Stadium together with so many others of all shapes and colors. And many of us had never seen so many different people of so many different shapes and colors. And we saw, many of us for the first time, that those people were no different from us – at least because we all wanted the home team to win.

And at the end of this fascinating trek, as we crossed Route 2 and approached the magnificent structure on the lake, we saw it; the 35-foot tall neon-lit Chief Wahoo of glass and steel, perched atop the southeast corner of the Stadium roof, eyes gleaming, smile beaming, bat cocked, leg raised, ready to knock the next pitch all the way back down to Youngstown. And we didn’t think of Native Americans, or any kind of person at all. All of the magic of the trip to the ballpark coalesced in that smiling slugging alien angel of joy as we entered the Stadium gates. And then there was the magic of the ballgame itself, with Wahoo smiling in approval all the while -- from the stadium roof, our heroes’ uniforms, and seemingly everywhere else. Indians executive Bob DiBiasio touched on this when he told the New York Daily News in March 2007 that, "[w]hen some people look at our logo they see baseball . . . They see Bob Feller and Omar Vizquel and Larry Doby.”

Those who want to bury Wahoo have to acknowledge why he has lasted so long -- that in doing so they would be burying more than a racist caricature; they would be burying a part of our childhood and our culture. They must acknowledge that our collective attachment to Wahoo has little to nothing to do with an intent to disparage a race of people. So much of the resistance to attempts to get rid of Wahoo is a natural reaction by Tribe fans who feel that those who protest Wahoo are accusing them of racism, and telling them that there is something fundamentally wrong with those magical trips to the ballgame. This would offend anyone’s sense of justice. These activists must acknowledge the innocent aspects of our attachment to Wahoo before their appeals to his harmful effect will ever be well-received.

Once Tribe fans believe that our love for Wahoo is understood, we will be more apt to ask ourselves why we would want to be attached any longer to a symbol as potentially demeaning to a race of people as Wahoo is.

An honest examination of Wahoo’s origins would be a good place to start in answering this question. Any such look back gives lie to the company line that the Cleveland baseball franchise was named “Indians” to honor former Cleveland second baseman Louis Sockalexis, the first Native American to play Major League Baseball. According to an October 2007 story in a Maine newspaper, the Kennebec Journal, for which the reporter interviewed the author of a book on Sockalexis, Sockalexis’ arrival in Cleveland in 1897 “created such a sir that local newspapers jokingly dubbed his team, the Cleveland Spiders, the ‘Cleveland Indians.’” This was not done to honor Sockalexis’ Native American heritage, but rather because, "[r]acism was accepted in journalism in that day . . . Sportswriters would write things like, 'He's gonna be scalping people.'" Sockalexis was “burdened by alcohol abuse and racist taunts from opposing players and fans,” and his time with the Indians was short, ending in 1899.

In 1915, two years after Sockalexis’ death, the president of the Cleveland ball club enlisted the help of local sportswriters to rename the team, then called the “Naps” after star Napoleon “Nap” Lajoie, who had recently been traded to Oakland. The name “Indians” was chosen by the sportswriters. According to research conducted by the Committee of 500 Years of Dignity and Resistance, none of the four daily Cleveland newspapers mentioned Sockalexis in reporting the name change. Three of these four reports (available here) refer to stereotypes about Native Americans. A January 17, 1915 report in the Cleveland Leader reported that “[i]n place of the Naps, we’ll have the Indians, on the warpath all the time, and eager for scalps to dangle at their belts.” The Plain Dealer of the same day included a cartoon titled “Ki Yi Waugh Woop! They’re Indians.” This cartoon (pictured above) depicts, among other things, a frowning umpire scolding a Native American: “When you talk to me, talk English, you wukoig.” “Wukoig,” according to the Plain Dealer cartoon, is an “Indian” word.

After reading these reports it should be difficult to disagree with Kansas City Star sportswriter and Cleveland native Joe Posnanski, who “find[s] that this Sockalexis story might be a bit exaggerated or, more to the point, complete bullcrap.” Posnanski points out that “the story never made much sense to begin with” because it raises the question: “Why exactly would people in Cleveland — this in a time when native Americans were generally viewed as subhuman in America — name their team after a relatively minor and certainly troubled outfielder?” Of course, they didn’t.

But despite the dubious origins of the name “Indians,” at least the name could conceivably honor Native Americans, something that Chief Wahoo could never do. Choctaw Nation member Gavin Clarkson, who teaches Native American Studies at the University of Michigan, points out that Wahoo reinforces the image of Indians as "anachronistic savages." Charlene Teters, member of the Spokane Nation and founder of the National Coalition on Racism in Sports and the Media told the Plain Dealer in April 2008, that Wahoo is “the most offensive racial icon in the country” and that his existence “really speaks to how invisible native people are in this country.” With alcoholism, unemployment, and poverty plaguing Native reservations across America, a grinning, hook-nosed, fire engine red-faced caricature that reinforces beliefs that Natives are subhuman is particularly harmful. What’s worse, as Esquire Magazine's Scott Raab has pointed out, is that Wahoo “could be interpreted as mocking the genocide of our nation's First Peoples.” New York Daily News columnist Filip Bondy puts this more pointedly: “One race can't commit genocide against another, then turn that race into a mascot. A soccer team in Hamburg would never call itself the Jews and adorn its uniforms with caricatures.”

With Wahoo seemingly standing alone as the only racist caricature currently accepted in American society, it’s hard to tell Natives like the ones quoted above to “lighten up.” Blackface has long since been understood to be unacceptable in this country, yet redface is alive and well here in Cleveland. How else to explain this disparity if Ms. Teters isn’t at least partially correct about the invisibility of Natives in America? So do we really want to be a part of reinforcing this invisibility? An insensitivity to these matters that was more understandable in the less integrated society of our parents’ day must certainly be much less so now. At some point our intention – the innocence behind our attachment to Wahoo -- ceases to matter.

Which brings us back to the Curse. Native voices have told us loudly and clearly that Wahoo offends; and given his origins and singular status among racial caricatures in America, it’s not at all hard to see how this might be true. If there is at least one Native in this country for whom Wahoo reasonably reinforces a belief that her or his race is invisible or subhuman -- thus making it even a little bit harder to engage in life’s everyday struggle -- isn’t that enough to bring a curse on our sports teams? It sure seems worse than trading Babe Ruth or banning goats from a ballpark. So why would we even want to take this chance? Haven’t we all had enough of the exquisitely painful losing? There are a lot of Natives buried in these parts. If it’s not the Curse of Chief Wahoo, what else could it be? What else would we want it to be? At least a Curse of Chief Wahoo makes sense. At least it’s a curse that we might do something to end.

So let’s not hesitate in giving Wahoo a dignified burial. In doing so, we should recognize that while Wahoo might have been born out of something bad, he turned into something very good for many of us. We should acknowledge the complexity of the lives of both persons and personifications. And we should acknowledge progress. We need not abandon the name “Indians,” and we have no shortage of persons indigenous to Northeast Ohio who would be worthy models for a new logo; one that truly honors Native Americans. We could call him, simply, “The Chief.”

Click here to sign an online petition to help end the Curse of Chief Wahoo and help bring a championship to Cleveland, and please pass this on.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Mr. Bubble Goes Pop?

With the basketballs out of the way, we’re free to focus on more important things, like NFL training camp. To that end, let's drop in on burly ex-Buckeye and New York Jets first round pick Vernon Gholston. According to this recent New York Post report, he's behind most other rookies in learning the Xs and Os due to Ohio State's late graduation date, and an NFL/NCAA rule that prohibits rookies from participating in training camp until their class graduates.

Jet's coach Eric Mangini is unsympathetic: "It's not his fault that he couldn't be here, but it's not like he was getting his master's . . . He had plenty of free time. In between 'Judge Judy' and what is it, 'Days of Our Lives,' whatever is on during the daytime, you can study. There are enough hours in the day regardless of how many curls you're going to do."

We think that the Mangenius touches on something important with that last comment about curls, as does Jets safety Kerry Rhodes, who astutely observes about Gholston that, “he’s a big dude.” Indeed. We wonder how he can even move through all of that muscle. We can’t remember ever seeing a rookie enter the NFL looking as muscle-bound as Gholston. We don't think that this portends well for his NFL future.

We generally like Gholston, based on what we read about him. Word is, he’s a good kid. And whether or not he’s used steroids, he obviously has a strong work ethic. While we wish Vernon the best, we’re afraid that his hard work on his body has been largely misplaced. This is because he looks like the prototypical product of an American athletic training culture that grossly overemphasizes a build-up of the muscular system at the expense of all of the other human body systems -- skeletal, circulatory, nervous, all of them. This starts in high school, where the athletic training of football teams is focused almost entirely on lifting weights and running, with little to no attention paid to the underlying structure that holds the muscles together. A little bend over and (try to) touch your toes, maybe a few jumping jacks, then hit the weights, kid. This is why there’s more snap, crackle and pop in American football training camps than in a bowl of Rice Krispies. Take a look at the NFL injured lists in August and you’ll see.

Yet this culture prevails, despite the fact that it might take years of focused exercise, say yoga practice, for example, for one to achieve the alignment of the arms, legs, and spine that is necessary for optimal health. Binding one’s self with one’s muscles moves one in exactly the wrong direction here. Leaving aside the lack of mobility and the resulting risk of long term back problems, how long before one of Gholston’s tendons or ligaments snaps under the pressure of all of that beef? Our guess is not very long. This is why we’ll be shocked if Gholston makes it through his first season or two in the NFL without losing a significant amount of time to a major injury. LeCharles Bentley, Kellen Winslow, and Braylon Edwards are recent local examples of this ligament-snapping phenomenon, and these gents weren't nearly as overloaded as young Gholston.

One might suggest that becoming bound with muscle and the attendant injury risk is the price of success in the National Football League. But young folk in Ohio and elsewhere who want to get in good shape to play football might look at the divergent examples of two recent Ohio college football stars as proof that this is not the case. Miami Dolphins defensive lineman, perennial Pro-Bowler, 2006 NFL Defensive Player of the Year, and Dancing with the Stars Finalist Jason Taylor (pictured at left, too sexy for his shirt) provides convincing proof that a musclebound physique is not required to achieve NFL greatness, even in the trenches. In fact, Taylors lithe physique likely contributes to his success.


And surely we remember the last former Buckeye to get carried away with building his musculature. Ease up on the iron kids. Choose life.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Great Moments in Advertising: Bronx Zoo Sells New Yorkers a Slice of Home

This is some trick they're playing up in the Bronx. As best we can tell, the Bronx Zoo is trying to get people to come there by telling them that there will be cockroaches there -- over 100,000 of them, as part of a new exhibit showcasing the creatures and environs of the island of Madagascar. We’ve seen this roach infested ad campaign on this website, and as a banner ad on the New York Post website - the bugs crawl across the ad as the page is loading.

“Hey New Yorkers, are you bored with the same old cockroaches? Maybe you didn’t know just how creepy a cockroach could be. Well come on up to the zoo because we’ve got hissing cockroaches here. Yeah, that’s right. ‘Hssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!’ One at a time people. Plenty of room for everyone . . . plenty of room.”

Leaping f*cking lemurs. It gets better. According to The Architect’s Newspaper, there’s “an ‘immersion’ feature where visitors can step inside the pitch black, hollowed-out trunk of a simulated baobab tree. As your eyes adjust you notice that things are starting to move…because you’re sharing the trunk with over 100,000 cockroaches! They’re actually Hissing Cockroaches, indigenous to Madagascar and—so they say—completely harmless.”

Completely harmless? Until one of them decides to burrow into your ear, or somewhere else (!?). And then what, smarty?

What we’re having the hardest time understanding here is the way the roaches are prominently featured in the ad campaign, like, “yeah, lemurs are cute, and we did spend millions renovating this beautiful building to create a stunning exotic island environment, but once they see these roaches they’ll really come in droves.” We suppose there might be a “confront your fears/have a transcendental experience” angle to sell with respect to the roach tunnel, but it doesn’t look like they’re selling that. We can’t find a mention of the feature anywhere on the Zoo’s website.

Even with no roaches crawling near our holes we’re still scratching our heads because we’re sure that the Zoo paid lots and lots of money for these ads. We hope that someone at New York's esteemed Comptroller's Office might take a closer look at City procurement of advertising agencies. We’re not sure how the success of ad campaigns is measured, but if this one is somehow proven to work, maybe John Doe really does have the upper hand.

“What’s in the box?”

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Lakers on the Brink: Globetrotter Fans Despondent

We’ve complained a lot about this Lakers Celtics match-up from the start; about the Sea Monkey (just add water) nature of this Celtics team, the overblown claims of Kobe's greatness, and the seeming inevitability of David Stern's big media made for TV dream match-up that reinforced our most disturbing and unprovable conspiracy theories about the league. But we’re finding more to like about this Series with each passing game.

First we were reminded about Paul Pierce, realized that his story is much more compelling than we'd noticed, and discovered how much we could enjoy pulling for him here. Along with this came the peace of better understanding these Celtics and how they fit together.

Then we saw how this series could show that Kobe is not, in fact, “the best player in the league.”

And now that the Lakers are on the brink, we’re glad that the Celtics are helping to put to rest the notion of Western Conference superiority. Note that both the Hawks and the Cavs played the Celtics better than the Lakers have. We’re also glad to see that the defensive-minded Celtics have kept the Lakers at or below 91 points in three of the four games so far. Folks might say that these games are ugly. This doesn’t bother us. Sometimes when two NBA forces collide, the teams play defense better than they play offense. Just because one of these results is more pretty to some than the other is does not mean that the result is more correct. And some of the most memorable NBA playoff moments come when an individual rises above the wreckage – like LeBron’s 48 point one-man demolition derby in Game 5 of last year's Eastern Conference Finals against the Pistons. In the first four games of that series, the 90 point barrier was broken only once, by one team, yet that ugly series gave us one of history’s greatest NBA Playoff moments.

The self-styled “purists” who believe that a 135-125 Suns victory over the Nuggets or Warriors is so much more preferable to a Cavs/Pistons game, or one of those good old 71-68 Knicks/Heat/Pistons slugfests from the 90s tell us about “basketball the way it was meant to be played.” If these people feel so strongly about this, they should take comfort in the fact that they’ll always have the Harlem Globetrotters. We do love the Trotters.

And of course, there’s Donaghy. People want to dismiss his charges that the league fixed and manipulated games through referees as a criminal playing on conspiracy theories in an effort to avoid jail time. Maybe they’re right. But there are millions at stake in the outcome of these games. If you believe that everyone has a price, it’s much harder not to wonder if there’s something to Donaghy’s charges. Also, it would only take a few people strategically placed in the most important games to have a big influence. If more funny business was going on, we assume that it would have involved referees much smarter than Donaghy apparently is, so what Donaghy knows might only be the tip of the iceberg. And to this end, we learn that federal agents are interviewing veteran ref Dick Bavetta.

In the above linked Free Darko piece, Shoals says that "Tim Donaghy's not a shock, he's confirmation that basketball's like everything else. . . . [a]nd if we've learned to cope with that, or at least suppress it . . . then we should be able to sit the f*ck back and enjoy these Finals." This sounds like postmodern bullsh*t to us ("everything is like everything/nothing means anything/blah blah blah"). We prefer to think of our sports as not like everything else in an important way. And we're not sure how we can cope with something that hasn't played out yet. There’s a long way to go here, and a lot to think about. How this plays out will have major consequences in every major sport. One consequence that’s already occurred is that, with the refs under the microscope, we can all feel better about picking the Celtics today to close out the series in LA. We’ll call this a gift horse and not look it in the mouth. The pick: Celtics +7 over the Lakers.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Cleveland Frowns Art Gallery: Installment 1

This piece really takes us somewhere else. It also calls to mind the words of Columbus, Ohio native James Thurber: "He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes."

We're told that this piece was inspired in part by Rickey Henderson's life work, and in part by a painting that hung for months in the Fulton Street Moshell's in NYC until, one day, it wasn't hanging there anymore. It needs a name, so please offer your suggestions, and/or comments and interpretations of this artwork in the comments.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

2008 NBA Finals, Stakes is High: Can Celtics Bring Order Back to "Best in the League" Discussion?

So far this Finals series looks like it might provide us with merciful relief from the insulting chorus of claims that Kobe Bryant is “the best,” or worse, “clearly,” or “unquestionably the best” player in the NBA.

Best we can figure out, people think that Kobe is the best player in the NBA because he has the prettiest jump shot. Or is it because he’s a Laker? A combination of both? What else could it be? His obsession with dominating the court (obsessive compulsive disorder)?

If the Lakers don’t at least take the Celtics to game 7, how is Kobe any “better” than LeBron? LeBron played hurt throughout these playoffs, and still came within one shot of a game 7 overtime with these Celts. Would he have been able to do more with this Lakers roster? If the Lakers don’t win this thing, anyone who wants to say that Kobe is better than LeBron has to also say that the Cavs roster minus LeBron is better than the Lakers roster sans Kobe. Could the latter be true? Are, say, Gasol, Odom, and Fisher worse than Ilgauskas, Delonte West, and who? Szczerbiak? Joe Smith? Tough one, but we don’t hear anyone asking these questions when they tell us that there’s no question that Kobe’s the NBA’s best. Oh, where have you gone Kelly Dwyer?

And are either Kobe or LeBron better than Paul Pierce? Probably. But we owe a special debt of gratitude to Free Darko’s Shoals for reminding us that Pierce is the Celtics’ guy. For all of the attention that’s focused on Garnett -- he’ll get 20, he’ll get 10, he’ll D your face off, and he’ll do it every day -- he’s not the guy like Pierce is the guy who will make plays to take over a game and win it. And this is how it played out against the Cavs. Thinking about the Celtics in this way -- with Pierce as the guy, and Garnett as the most solid of supporting cast members, or even with Pierce as the leader at one end of the court, and KG as the leader at the other -- makes them seem a lot more dangerous. And so does the fact that everybody’s favorite Celtic, Eddie House, should be getting more burn due to Sam Cassell’s injured wrist.

We’re not going to pick this one because it will hurt too much to feel like we’ve walked into another one of Mr. Stern’s traps, but; GO! CELTICS! Help us turn this “Kobe is the best” noise OFF.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Tips About Tips: LeBron Not Such a Jerk After All?

So LeBron James might not be such a bad tipper, or such a jerk, after all. About a month ago we linked to this Deadspin post that discussed this Cleveland Scene item that reported that LeBron left a $10 tip on an $800 bill at Cleveland’s XO Steakhouse after eating and drinking there with a group of folks until approximately 4AM.

Last week we came across this letter to the editor by Davey Houston of Lakewood on Page 5 of the June 4-10 issue of Cleveland Scene, in response to the Scene piece about the alleged incident. Houston’s letter reads, in part: "You’re taking LeBron to task for a misunderstanding. Didn’t anyone see the report on Channel 19 that said the b*tchy little crybaby server looked at the bill wrong and was actually left a very generous tip?”

No. No we did not see the report on Channel 19. Nor can we find any evidence of this report on the Channel 19 Action News website, or anywhere else. Has anyone out there seen this report? This is important. A quick Google search of “LeBron bad tipper” reveals a number of published items about this alleged incident, none friendly to The Chosen One. LeBron has taken a lot of heat for this, and -- as much fun as it is for us to believe that anyone richer or more famous than we are must be moral failures with rotting souls -- if Mr. Houston’s letter is accurate, the good name of King James should be restored.

We’re inclined to believe Mr. Houston. Foremost, LeBron is surely savvy enough to know the damaging effect that such an action would have on his image. And we’re sure that he eats out a lot. If he’s such a bad tipper, why haven’t we heard a story like this before? The “black people don’t tip” explanation offered by many in comments on the various posts about this story doesn’t pass the smell test either. Could Mr. Houston be making this up about a Channel 19 story as part of a crusade against “b*tchy crybaby servers” everywhere? Not likely. And maybe someone at Cleveland Scene saw the Channel 19 report, which is why they published Houston’s letter in the first place.

Moreover, a statement by one of LeBron’s representatives to the New York Post's Page Six corroborates Houston’s account. James’ rep said that “[t]here was a misreading of the receipt, and the appropriate tip was provided.” As evidence of the hit that LeBron’s image has taken from this story, this quote was spun in the New York Post item, snarkily titled “Needs Glasses,” to mean that it was LeBron who misread the receipt. This still makes LeBron look like a jerk, because, of course, who could misread a receipt that badly? But the more likely story, consistent with Houston’s letter, is that the server misread the receipt, and James’ rep’s statement meant that “the appropriate tip was provided” in the first place. If this is, in fact, the case, it was a reserved statement by LeBron’s rep, and a classy move not to call out the server in retribution for the damaging non-story.

Under normal circumstances, one letter to the editor referring to a news report that we can’t find much evidence of (yet) wouldn’t be a very big deal. But there wasn’t much behind this story in the first place. It was based on an anonymous tip, yet it proliferated quickly and widely, with damaging effect to LeBron. We have emails and calls in to Channel 19’s sports and news directors, and will follow up if/when we hear from them. In the meantime, please share any info you might have on this in the comments, or via email.

Update 6/9/08, 1:12PM: We just received an email from Ryan Minnaugh of the Channel 19 Sports Department who confirmed that a story about LeBron's XO tip did run on 19 Action News, and was able to forward an excerpt from what he called "the copy from the story that ran on Channel 19 Action News." The excerpt reads as follows: "BUT JUST THIS AFTERNOON, THE RESTAURANT MANAGER RELEASED A STATEMENT. HE'S CALLING THE WHOLE THING A "MISUNDERSTANDING". SAYING, THE WAITER MUST HAVE SEEN THE WRONG TIP AMOUNT ON THE RECEIPT. LEBRON REPORTEDLY SENT AN EVEN BIGGER TIP, TO CLEAR THE WHOLE THING UP."

We realize that this could be a case of XO's management protecting the reputation of a good customer, but we don't think that this explanation is any more credible than the story that's been accepted and spread throughout the internet -- that the image conscious and media-savvy LeBron would be such a jerk by leaving such an insulting tip. We're going to give him the benefit of the doubt here.

Update 6/10/08, 6:55AM: Thanks to commenter Zak who posted a link to this piece from TMZ.com which contains a more complete statement from XO Steakhouse management about the tipping incident:

“For the record, XO would like to clear up a misunderstanding resulting from a story that appeared in the Cleveland Scene on May 7th...Upon completion of his meal, Mr. James paid his bill with a credit card. Our waiter mistakenly read the receipt, inferring that Mr. James had left him only a $10 tip. To clear up the misunderstanding, Mr. James arranged for an appropriate tip to be delivered to the restaurant for the waiter.”

This statement should not have been so hard to find among the dozens of items bashing LeBron on this story (“LeBron sucks at tipping,” “How LeBron Stays Rich: By Stiffing Restaurant Employees on Tips,” “Bad Tipper: LeBron James tips 1.25% on $800 Tab”). Folks have asked how this post proves anything about LeBron’s tipping habits. The point is that it proves that he tips well (or at least not $10 on $800 bad) at least as much as the widely proliferated Scene story proves that he doesn’t. Thanks to Davey Houston of Lakewood, Ryan Minnaugh and Fox 19 Action News, Deadspin, TMZ, and commenter Zak for helping to get the other side of the story out there.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

2008 NBA Finals Preview: A Pierce-ing Analysis

The much ballyhooed NBA Finals matchup between the Celtics and Lakers starts tonight in Boston. We’re not crazy about either of these teams, or the idea of either of them getting a title, but we have to pick one of them. We’re picking the Celtics for three primary reasons.

1) Selfish crybabies shouldn’t get to win Championships. We realize that Kobe has matured as a person and a player. We also realize that life isn’t fair. But, and we’re not going to get into a detailed history here, what should have been a Lakers dynasty that should have won two or three more NBA titles was broken up because LA wasn’t big enough for both Kobe and Shaquille O’Neal. Kobe wanted the Lakers to be “his team.” This is similar to when Stephon Marbury left the Timberwolves because the team wasn’t big enough for him and Garnett. So now the Lakers are Kobe’s team. Because Kobe got what he asked for, and because he has so much to lose by not winning one without Shaq, there might be an element of added pressure on him in this Series. There’s also a Ray Allen/Kobe Bryant feud at play here, which favors the Celtics if only because Allen’s been dead-on in predicting how Kobe’s career will play out. And we’ve been reading lately about how Kobe Bryant cannot stand to lose; how he has for his whole life been “obsessed with dominating the court.” How does this play out? Is this the result of an inferiority complex? An obsessive disorder? These things don’t generally play out well.

2) If these games are fixed or manipulated in any way, and, as we’ve discussed, there is a tremendous perceived financial incentive for the league to fix these games, this favors the Celtics. If each game means millions more for the league, then we’re more likely to see a Game 7. Game 7 would be in Boston.

3) We think that the Celtics have better roster chemistry than the Lakers. We think that the Kobe/Lamar Odom/Pau Gasol troika has a similar skill set, and we compare Odom and Gasol to a poor man’s Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden as those two players fit with LeBron (see Venn diagrams here). These three are all primarily scorers. The Celtics should have a drastic rebounding advantage against the Lakers in this series, despite Odom’s and Gasol’s size. And finally, as explained in the best piece that we’ve read about this Series, by Free Darko’s Bethlehem Shoals, the X factor in this series is not Kevin Garnett, it’s the perpetually underrated Paul Pierce:

“Underrated on draft night, almost died from a stabbing, excelling with a relative lack of fanfare, suffered through some doldrums just as Garnett did, dealt with criticism, and now, is the real moral center of this series. He should be the pride of the Celtics, and as a Los Angeles native, this series couldn't have higher stakes for him. Checks the stats; as Nate Jones reminded me, dude's always energized by playing in front of the city he still loves. Pierce is about to hijack these finals the way Tony Parker so often with the Spurs, making himself into the marquee name when there's a surefire Hall of Famer defining his legacy.” (Read the rest here).

The Pick: Celtics +150 to win the 2008 NBA Finals over the Lakers.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Short Frownie Bytes for a Long Day

Quote of the Day: “No man needs a vacation so much as the man who just had one.” -Elbert Hubbard, US Author (1856-1915) (pictured above).

Website of the Day: “On Being Bukharian in New York” - The Q&A with Iris Marcus on the right-hand side of the page is a must-read. An excerpt: "We used to live in Brighton Beach, and there were a lot of Russians there. The women would come in with mink coats and food stamps. And it was very annoying. They knew how to work the system, which we found very aggravating."

Lawsuit of the Day: Class action for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress brought by all persons named Peter against THIS.

Person of the Day: 2008 Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee winner Sameer Mishra, for the deadpan look on his face in this video when he asks “numb-nut?” before a national television audience. It reminds us of the South Park episode where Cartman pretends that he has Tourette’s Syndrome.

Look for an NBA Finals Preview on Thursday.