NCAA Pick of the Week: Missouri (6) v. Illinois (20) -- Chasing Daniel

Tonight at 8:30, the 6th ranked Missouri Tigers square off against the 20th ranked Fighting Illini of Illinois in a re-match of last season's 40-34 barnburner that Missouri needed a last minute interception at their own 1-yard line to win.

Missouri is favored to win this game by 9 points. We don't understand why this line is so high. Last year's matchup showed that the teams were relative equals, and it looks to us that Illinois might have improved more than the Tigers did.

When we see a line that looks funny to us, like this 9 point spread, we tell ourselves that the wiseguys might know something about this game that we don't. We thought at first that all the money would be on Illinois with a spread like this, but as we type, 73% of the action is on Missouri. So what's really going on here?

A few things:

One is surely anti-Big Ten bias that must be influencing a portion of the Missouri backers. There is a lot of hatred out there, not only for Ohio State, but for the entire conference. Along these lines, folks have high hopes for Missouri because, in their last game last season -- the Cotton Bowl, they blew out Arkansas 38-7. We think that Arkansas team, surrounded by a whirlwind of Darren McFadden Heisman-hype, was vastly overrated. Meanwhile, folks aren't high on Illinois because they were destroyed by a loaded USC team in the Rose Bowl. But that USC team was really really lowaded, and probably focused after blowing their chance at playing for the national title. Illinois was in uncharted waters in that Rose Bowl, and we bet (we will, in fact, wager) that it was a significant learning experience for them, that they carried with them throughout the off-season. (On this point, note in the ESPN preview the discussion of Illinois QB Juice Williams' intense off-season preparations).

Another good reason to take Illinois tonight is that folks are surely overvaluing the importance of Missouri's Heisman Hopeful, QB Chase Daniel -- who is a bona fide media darling (pictured above, with Chess-board -- smarty-pants!). Folks love a star quarterback, and will look past a number of flaws to get behind one. But Missouri appears to have lost more key players than Illinois. For example, the ESPN Insider report on this game tells us that Mizzou will miss last year's starting left tackle Tyler Luellen, "whose expected replacement, redshirt freshman Elvis Fisher, faces a baptism by fire as he will frequently line up opposite DE Will Davis (9.5 sacks last season)." This sounds dangerous for Mizzou to us. Plus, Illinois will have shutdown corner Vontae Davis to line up across Missouri star receiver Jeremy Maclin. It doesn't look like Missouri has anyone similar to line up across from Illinois own deep threat, Arrelious ("Rejus") Benn.

The summary conclusion by the ESPN Insiders who picked this game summarizes the overemphasis on Daniel that we think is a primary factor driving this line. They pick the Tigers to win by a whopping 11 points. They say that: "With both teams sporting new starters at running back and facing similar run defenses, how well each quarterback plays will have a substantial affect on the outcome of this game. In the case of Williams, expect him to make enough plays with his feet and arm to keep the Fighting Illini in this game early. But while Illinois is hoping Williams takes the next step as game manager and passer this year, Daniel has already established himself as one of the premier all-around quarterbacks in the nation. He'll be the one making plays at key points in the game and that will ultimately help Missouri pull away in the second half."

But what if William's teammates outplay Daniels'? Maybe a classic example of the general public's willingness to view the performance of a quarterback (or any individual football player) in isolation from that of his teammates. Adding this to the anti-Big Ten bias, Illinois looks to us to be another easy pick.

The Pick: Illinois +9 over Missouri.

Thanks to Mizzourah! and the Columbia (Missouri?) Tribune for the photo.

Update: Mizzou wins by 10 in a shootout, 52-42. Que mala suerte! We were done in by not one, but two kick returns for touchdowns by Missouri star Jeremy Maclin. We don't account for those when we make picks. Que mala suerte! Juice Williams arguably played a better game than Chase Daniel. Williams threw for 451 yards and 5 touchdowns, while Daniel throw for 323 and 3. Both had an interception returned for a touchdown, but Juice threw one more than Daniel. Importantly, Missouri looked like the better coached team. The worst thing about this game is that when Illinois scored a touchdown as time expired, they could have gone for a two-point conversion for a 9-point margin, and a push for us (he who gets the push today, lives to push another day). Instead, Head Coach Zook opted to kick the extra point. Zook has a reputation for being a recruiter and not a game manager, and this cements that reputation as far as we're concerned. Losing by ten looks a lot worse than losing by 9, doesn't it? Might this not be important at the end of the season when folks are trying to determine where the Illini fit into the post-season picture? Why not go for two? The inches that we needed were all around us last night Ron! Get in the game!

Jim Tressel: Thinks Globally, Acts Locally

Today at noon in Columbus the Ohio State Football Buckeyes kick off a season of high high hopes against the Youngstown State Penguins. Youngstown State is in the NCAA's FCS Division, formerly called Division 1-AA. FCS teams play a championship tournament at the end of the season, and are not eligible for bowl games. Tressel and the Bucks have been subject to much criticism for scheduling Youngstown State and teams of their ilk, even from Terry Pluto, who says that:

"[His] biggest criticism is Tressel takes the easy way out with a ridiculously soft home schedule. In 2007, it was Akron, Kent State and Youngstown State at the Horseshoe. In 2008, it will be YSU, Ohio and Troy State. Thank goodness for the trip to USC."

Well, yeah, thank goodness for the trip to USC. Who's not fired up for that?

But we love what Tressel is doing by scheduling these small local schools. We think that Tressel's enlightened redistribution scheme is GENIUS. By playing against these schools, Tressel is helping to strengthen these programs -- which eventually comes back to help the Buckeyes. For the local schools, it's not just the revenue, it's the excitement that surrounds the opportunity to play the Buckeyes. Being able to sell the chance to play the Buckeyes helps these smaller programs in their recruiting efforts, and helps to keep Ohio's young football players in Ohio. And this must trickle down to the high school level. As the local college football programs get stronger, they offer increased opportunity to the local high school players, who are then given a greater incentive to be excellent young football players. Excellence breeds excellence, and all of this strengthens Tressel's recruiting pool. This bolster's the program's long-term health -- sowing the seeds for the next generation of Buckeye football, and the generations that will follow. And whether these lads end up with long term careers in football or not, young men being inspired to more excellence than they otherwise would have been is a good thing -- for our state, and for humanity. The critics of the Buckeyes' early-season schedule, Terry Pluto included, are way-off.

As for picking these games against the point spread, we're sure that Tressel's not prone to run up the score against these local programs, which is why we'd have been happy to take the Penguins and the points today if we'd have been allowed, and will do so in the following weeks if we have the opportunity.

Go Bucks!

Update: Buckeyes win 43-0. Youngstown State would have covered the 52.5. Relatedly, unranked Bowling Green beat 25th ranked Pittsburgh yesterday 27-17. Bowling Green was on Ohio State's schedule in very recent years, and surely reaped some of the benefits of playing the Buckeyes that are discussed above. Their victory against Pitt yesterday is evidence of the harvest of the seeds that Tressel hath sown.

Frozen out on the Penguins: Sportsbook.com Taketh Away

Today at noon in Columbus the Ohio State Football Buckeyes kick off a season of high high hopes against the Youngstown State Penguins. We woke up this morning with our own high high hopes, but we're now somewhere between morose and apoplectic, because sportsbook.com does not want our action on this game today. Our online chat with the sportsbook.com representative is pasted below (name redacted to protect the innocent):

Hello, my name is Todd B_____. How may I help you today?

You: Mr. B_____, hi!

You: No action on the Ohio State football game today?

You: I saw a site called 1800 sports that showed a +51.5 line for Youngstown State, and it linked to sportsbook...

You: but I don't see that you guys are taking that action

You: to clarify, the 1800 sports site linked to your site, sportsbook.com

Todd B_____: Please hold on a moment while I familiarize myself with this issue....

You: ok...thanks

Todd B_____: You're very welcome.

You: Here is a link to the site that links to your site, purporting to offer action on this game: http://www.1800-sports.com/youngstown-state-vs-ohio-state-083008.shtml

Todd B_____: Thanks.

You: np

Todd B_____: I just checked and we will not be offering a line for this event today.

You: that's a huge bummer

You: any reason?

Todd B_____: I do not have a reason which lines are offered are up to our line managers.

Todd B_____: Sorry about that.

You: that's entirely understandable.

You: thanks for your help.

Todd B_____: You're very welcome.

We're not sure what more we can do here, people. Todd B. was a perfect gentleman about all of this, and we especially like his line: "I do not have a reason which lines are offered are up to our line managers." Fair enough. We feel weird about making a pick that's not available for action on sportsbook, with a line that might or might not be accurate, so our hands our tied. We feel like a kid whose only ball rolled down into the gutter before the game even started.

The only other game that interests us today is tonight's Missouri/Illinois game. If we can find an angle, we'll be up with a pick later. And we will be right up with a separate post in appreciation of Jim Tressel that will explain why we would have picked Youngstown State against the Bucks today.

Public Service Announcement: Peach Season

We were having a really crappy day the other day, until we bit into a delicious peach that we bought at a farmer’s market at the Mustard Seed Market in Akron over the weekend. We didn’t understand why the peach made us feel so much better until we did some research.

We support local farmers here at Cleveland Frowns, and we’ve come to agree with a person named Shea Dean, who wrote in Readers Digest that “food is much more than sustenance; we literally are what we eat.” Hey, Shea! You might be on to something!

We also strongly agree that “Fresh, in-season local products taste better and are generally more nutritious than foods that have been processed, stored and shipped.”

Well we’re here to tell you, it’s peach season people. These guys are delicious right now. And if we are what we eat, if we eat these peaches, we will be fresh, AND in-season -- both good qualities, to us. We feel as fresh and in-season as the crazy guys in the video above. It's a convincing tune they sing.

Here is a handy guide to what foods are in season at what times, so you don’t have to have that not-so-fresh, out-of-season feeling if you don't want it.

Lots going on these days….Tribe winning streak, Our pal got kicked out of Yankee Stadium (really, this is our pal...he's totally famous), and McCain picked a lady to be VP. Plus, we still owe a piece on why the Olympics matter. And College Football tomorrow! Good thing it’s a long weekend! Enjoy! And make sure to check on us tomorrow for picks and for more fun over the weekend.

Last Chance for Crazy 8s: NFL Preseason Finale

We said below that we would post a pick for tonight's Browns/Bears game if we could find an angle. When we got around to looking at what today's date is, our angle clubbed us in the head. It's 8/28/08. We have already explained the significance of the number 8 this month, and have used the magic number to make winning NFL pre-season picks on 8/08/08, and 8/18/08. We will apply the very same formula tonight with the Bears who have both (BOTH!) their first and second string quarterbacks wearing the number 8, Rex Grossman (8), and Kyle Orton (18). We have explained that nobody wears number 8 for the Browns, and that receiver Donte Stallworth's 18 doesn't count because almost every receiver wears a number with 8 in it. Moreover, it's Grossman and Orton. Look at these guys (pictured above -- Grossman at the top, and Orton and friend to his lower right). They are both batsh*t crazy. Truly crazy 8s. We bow our heads eight more times to the Sports Wagering Gods in recognition of today's blessing, and this month's bountiful harvest.

And we even have a backup angle, that comes from asking the question, what does a "Player's Coach" like Crennel do in the pre-season finale when his team is playing it's third game in roughly 10 days? If the last two games are any indication, he probably mails it in, and lets the guys rest up for when the games really count. Tonight, Romeo has set the standard at 'looking decent' against the Bears. That shouldn't inspire fear in the hearts of Bears backers. While Brady Quinn has our full support as he tries to improve on last Saturday's lackluster performance, the Browns' injuries, Crennels inveterate Players' Coachism, and especially the Crazy 8s, will do the Brownies in tonight. Relying on the Crazy 8s is especially exciting with our winning pre-season record on the line tonight (we are 3-2). We love fewer things more than picking pre-season NFL football games, and chart our progress as human beings by our success in doing so. Stakes is high. The Pick: The Chicago Bears +3 over our Cleveland Browns

Update: Bears win, 13-10, number 8 comes through with the Bears' only touchdown. If improvements in technology and/or healthcare somehow allow us to live until 2108, we will be wagering way more on NFL pre-season games in August of that year than we did this year.

Tom Coughlin: NOT a Player's Coach

We came across the following bit about New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin in Tuesday's New York Daily News (thanks to generous Cleveland Frowns contributor, Mr. Biz), and, as much else, it has us thinking about our Brownies.

The Daily News Reported that: "The coach appeared irritated by persistent questions about [Michael] Strahan['s Favre-like vacillating retirement status].

'There hasn't been any discussion (about Strahan) that I have been involved in,' [Coughlin] said.

Moments later, when it was pointed out that as a head coach, Coughlin would seem likely to have participated in such discussions, he snapped, 'Don't be a smart aleck.'"

First, note the excellent use of the term "smart aleck." Doesn't calling a reporter a "smart-aleck" seems like something that Paul Brown would do? Before we get to how this applies to the Browns, we think you might want to know a little bit about the term "smart aleck."

So we turn to our oracle, the source of all knowledge, who tells us that "A "smart alec" or "smart aleck" is a person regarded as obnoxiously self-assertive and an impudent person."

OK, so it's a nicer way to call someone a d*ck, or an a$$hole. That's useful. But we're even more inclined to use the term now that we know its history. Get this: "According to Gerald Leonard Cohen, author of Studies in Slang Part 1 (1985), the phrase "smart alec" arose from the exploits of Alec Hoag. A celebrated pimp, thief, and confidence man operating in New York City in the 1840s, Hoag, along with his wife Melinda and an accomplice known as "French Jack", operated a con called the "panel game", a method by which prostitutes and their pimps robbed customers . . . The key to his activities was that they did so in close association with two police officers, who shared the loot and provided protection. [Of course!]Most was done by pickpocketing, with Melinda taking the victim’s pocketbook while the victim was otherwise engaged and surreptitiously handing it to Hoag or French Jack as they walked by. Hoag's downfall came because he got into financial difficulties and tried to cheat his police protectors out of their share of the loot."

Who knew?!? We have half a mind to give Mr. Hoag the first posthumous Cleveland Frowns Person of the Year Nomination, not only for being a celebrated pimp, thief, and confidence man (where have all of the celebrated pimps, thiefs, and confidence men gone?), but for being such a celebrated pimp, thief, and confidence man that he lives on today in the admonitions of grumpy NFL coaches. This is to say nothing of the fact that he rolled with a guy called "French Jack." F*ck.

If we had a time machine, one of the first things we'd do is try to have a beer with Alex Hoag and his wife, Melinda (we bet Melinda was a real "four-alarm fire"). We'd be leery of meeting French Jack, at least before we got to know Alex and Melinda. [Update: We now have a whole mind to nominate Hoag, posthumously, for the 2008 Cleveland Frowns Person of the Year award. It is done.]

Anyway, how this relates to the Browns is that we're pretty sure that our Coach Crennel would never call anybody a "smart aleck." Which brings us to another difference between Crennel and Coughlin. While our Coach is known, as discussed below, as a "player's coach," Coach Coughlin is known to be precisely the opposite: "[T]he old-school head coach who is rapidly becoming an anachronism in the NFL." "[T]he perception is that he is unapproachable and distant from his players." "[T]he guy who fines players for being late to meetings if they're four minutes early."

Which gets us to a more important difference between Coughlin and Crennel -- which is that Coughlin has led his team to a Superbowl win. We point this out to suggest that we might be right to be troubled, as we are, about Crennel's particular brand of "player's-coachism." In this way, Coughlin validates the complicated emotions we so often feel when we think about Coach Crennel. Of course, there must be a middle road here. And at least one commentator has suggested that Coughlin's success last season was due in no small part to his taking a step away from harsh disciplinarianism and toward a more productive understanding with his players. Perhaps the Browns could benefit from Crennel taking a similar step toward the middle.

We might be back later this afternoon with a pick for tonight's Browns/Bears game, if we can find an angle. If we can, we'll post the pick directly below as an update to this post.

Cleveland Frowns Art Gallery: Installment 2

This piece really speaks to us. At first glance it looks like it captures Coach Crennel and Shaun Smith as they witness a train wreck, or something like it. Given that this photo was taken on the sidelines of the Browns’ ugly-on-the-surface 26-6 loss to the Detroit Lions last week, there might be something to that. There were a lot of not-so-pretty plays during that game that might evoke a reaction like the one pictured here. But this piece shows more than just a reaction to a train-wreck to us. Other aspects of what is captured here evoke powerful and complicated emotions that we have toward our football team and its coach. Witness the serenity of Coach Crennel’s face in this photo, even as the rest of his body is physically repelled by what is happening on the field. Note the contrast between Coach’s demeanor and Smith's, whose expression might accurately be described as showing “resignation to failure,” if not “disgust” or “fear.” This, to us, evokes so many of Crennel’s maddening post-loss press conferences and interviews, in which he never seems to do enough to let us miserable fans know that he understands and appreciates just how sh*tty it was for us to watch that game we just watched. F**********CK! (We get worked up just thinking about it.)

And as we get worked up we think that maybe this same quality of Crennel's that gets us so worked up is the same reason why he's known as such a good guy among his players -- why he’s such a “player’s coach.” Yes the Browns love Romeo. They “go all out for him,” we’re told. As upset as Smith is by what’s going on on the field, something about him appears reassured as he assumes the exact same stance as his teddy-bear-man of a coach -- much like a young boy mimics the actions of his father. There is something precious about this, and we suppose that this kind of locker-room loyalty is important, if not necessary to a team’s success. But it certainly can’t be sufficient, and is no doubt worthless if it isn’t applied to winning ends on the football field. Maybe we started to see some winning ends last season, but not at the end of the season, when it mattered the most. And something about the demeanor that we see here signifies a “what me worry?” approach on the part of Coach Crennel. Like, “hell guys, it’s up to the GM to get us the right troops on the ground, like the guy in New England does for Belichick, and until he does that, well, hell, we’re not going to break ourselves, right? We’re millionaires.” “Yessir Coach!” Yes. A real player’s coach. We hope that’s not what we really see here. But we’re suspicious.

Or, maybe they’re just doing the Roc-away. Remember Fat Joe? “Lean back … Lean back …” (See chorus here.) If that is what they’re doing, Smith definitely needs to pull up his pants.

Whatever they are doing, we are thankful to AP photographer Duane Burleson for creating such a mysterious work of art and to Ohio.com for posting it.

We’ll be back either tomorrow or Thursday with a piece explaining why the Olympics are important (in response to this piece by Dan Steinberg of the Washington Post). We’ll pick Thursday’s Browns/Bears Pre-season finale if we can find an angle, and we’ll definitely be up by Saturday morning with our College Football Opening Weekend Pick-tacular. Please post suggestions for a title for Installment 2 in the comments.

Notes from a Brady Quinn Apologist

Well, that didn't go as planned. On the surface, the Browns looked pathetic against the Detroit Lions yesterday on both sides of the ball. But we're not ready to proclaim that the sky is falling just yet. Nor are we ready to pin the blame for yesterday's offensive woes on Brady Quinn. Yes, Quinn made some bad throws to wide open receivers, but what quarterback doesn't make a few bad throws from time to time? At least Brady didn't throw any interceptions. And at least one commentator has noted that he played with poise. There were also some dropped passes, and missed blocking assignments by his teammates. And the Browns defense couldn't keep the Lions offense off the field. Maybe the Browns missed Braylon, Jamal Lewis, Cribbs, and the other injured starters more than we expected they would. And might we not have seen some more creative play-calling by the Browns with the Lions routinely stacking 8 in the box to put pressure on our young quarterback?

But maybe the pre-season isn't the time for creative play-calling, which gets us to a broader point about yesterday's result: While Coach Crennell and his staff will continue to trot out their tried and true aphorisms of football coach-speak (we can't use our injuries as excuses, we can't be sure we'll just be able to flip the switch when the regular season starts, blah, blah, blah), we simply don't know what the coaching staff's agenda was going into last night's exhibition game. These pre-season games can be employed for a number of different purposes by different teams -- to test certain players, plays, or schemes, or something else. Winning is certainly not as important an objective as doing what it takes to prepare the team to win when the regular season rolls around. It would be hard for us as outsiders to know just what the team was trying to do yesterday, and it wouldn't be in the team's interest to share that information with their competitors. This presents difficulties in picking these pre-season games against the spread and in analyzing these games in general, but it's easier for us to take this pre-season loss because we can still cling to our high hopes for our opener against the Cowboys and for the regular season as a whole. We'll reserve our judgment for the team's performance there. It's worth noting the pre-season records of the last three Superbowl champions here: 2007 Giants (1-3), 2006 Colts (1-3), 2005 Patriots (2-2).

Finally, we're not above trotting out unprovable conspiracy theories here at Cleveland Frowns, so what if the Browns staff deliberately left Quinn under pressure through their play-calling both to test him and to set him up for short-term failure, thus dampening the quarterback controversy that the team is doing their best to ignore? For those who view yesterday's result as proof that Derek Anderson is the answer at quarterback, we'll refer you to this nicely detailed breakdown by Brian McPeek at The Cleveland Fan of the many ways that Anderson failed under pressure last season -- his Pro Bowl season. 29 touchdowns, for what? Don't let's let numbers lie to us, people.

The college football regular season starts this weekend. We'll be here with picks and prose.

Brady's Big Day

We think that the Browns are an excellent pick to cover the spread today against the Lions in Detroit at 4 p.m. (Lions -2.5).

Superstar backup quarterback Brady Quinn will start for the Browns today and is expected to play a full three quarters due to a concussion suffered in Monday night’s game that left Derek “Lucky Stars” Anderson, seeing stars. We expect that Quinn will make the most of this chance.

Regular readers of this site know that we call Derek “Lucky Stars” because we think that the impressive statistics that he garnered during his Pro-Bowl (alternate) season last year was largely a function of the performance of his teammates on offense. In other words, Anderson is lucky to play with so many stars (like Braylon, and Kellen, and Joe Thomas, and Eric Steinbach, etc.). We think it is obvious that Quinn has the potential to be a much better quarterback and leader of this Browns team, and a bona fide star himself. His athleticism, and pre-NFL pedigree appear to be superior to Anderson’s, and he’s also known to have an impressive work ethic. Those qualities, and the constant trashing that Quinn receives from much of the sports media who are annoyed by him for one reason or another reminds us of Peyton Manning, and we think that Quinn has the potential to be a Peyton Manning-type leader for the Browns.

Folks expect that the Browns will make a decision to proceed with either Quinn or Anderson after this season, and trade the other. We think it would be a huge mistake for the Browns to stick with Anderson without giving Quinn a chance. But we understand that if Quinn gets no meaningful playing time during the season, it will be difficult for the Browns to separate Anderson’s performance from that of his teammates on offense. How would the Browns know how Quinn would have performed under the same circumstances? Well, they might just look at the two guys and how they play and guess that Quinn would have been better, like we do. But while we can hope for such vision on the part of the Browns front office, their failure to trade Anderson in the off-season or open up the first team quarterback position to competition during this pre-season might show that this vision is not forthcoming. It might also show that the Browns are bent on receiving something valuable in return for Anderson if they’re going to trade him, come hell or high water. So we’re left in the less than fun position of hoping that Anderson is a turd this season (like he was in the must-win game against the Bengals last season), or that Quinn really shines during any chance he might have to play.

So today is Brady’s time to shine, and we expect that he will. Based on today’s pre-game write-ups in the local papers, it looks like he is grateful for the opportunity to play with the starters, and is looking forward to having some fun out there today. We like this approach, and look forward to seeing what Brady can do with it.

Also, while the Browns roster is thin for today’s game due to a multitude of injuries, we think this might play in their favor during a pre-season game. The guys that will play today, Quinn included, will get more reps, and will have a better chance to get in a groove than in a typical pre-season game. And it looks like the Lions plan to take the opposite approach. Groovy.

Finally, after crapping all over themselves on national TV on Monday against the Giants (good thing they were wearing those Brown pants), we expect that the Browns will play with a greater sense of urgency today. We’re told that the Browns had a much crisper practice going into today’s game, which is encouraging. Coach Crennell attempted to excuse last Monday’s performance by telling us that he’d been going easy on the guys in practice in the days leading up to the game. Perhaps one reason that he did this was that he knew they’d have to play today so soon after the Monday night game, and wanted to save some energy for that. That doesn’t sound entirely unreasonable, so we’ll hope that the Browns plan to let it rip today, and will do the same with our v-chips in support. The Pick: Cleveland Browns +2.5 over the Detroit Lions.

The Freakin' Weekend

Time for a Friday look around the interwebs. A real mixed bag for you today:

We'll start with this remarkable quote from L.A. rapper, The Game (pictured above), about Jay-Z:

“I heard a rumor that Jay dissed me at Wimbledon, so I’m gonna go on the radio and talk shit, f*ck that. Ok, so now it doesn’t look like he ever said those things, so let me renege. But you know what? LAX is hitting stores soon, so f*ck it, I’m still dropping this diss track. But man I love that guy, he’s my idol.”

Funny enough to drop a diss track about your idol whom you love, who may or may not have dissed you at a tennis tournament, but, yes, note that first sentence. "I heard a rumor that Jay dissed me at Wimbledon . . ." Jay dissed you where? At Wimbledon??? Nawwwww______ . . . No f*ckin' way that ______ dissed you at WIMBLEDON . . . In front of Jude Law? And Steffi Graf? F*ck _____, you betta f*ck that _____ up, ______.

Some folks might say that something like this is evidence that Nas is right about hip-hop, but we're not so sure. Our source on the subject, Wikipedia, quotes a writer named Manthia Diawara, who, in his book In Search of Africa "explains that hip hop is really a voice of people who are down and out in modern society. He argues that the 'worldwide spread of hip-hop as a market revolution' is actually global 'expression of poor people’s desire for the good life,' and that this struggle aligns with 'the nationalist struggle for citizenship and belonging, but also reveals the need to go beyond such struggles and celebrate the redemption of the black individual through tradition.'" We're not sure that Jay-Z's attendance and potential dissing of The Game at Wimbledon is inconsistent with any of this, and certainly must signify "redemption" of some sort. At least this provides food for thought for during the commercials of NFL Pre-season games this weekend.

And more food for thought: This truly incredible piece at Kissing Suzy Kolber about certain habits of NFL great Charles Haley that are recounted in a soon to be released book by Jeff Pearlman about the Cowboy's recent "Aikman-Smith-Irvin glory years." Note, this piece is not safe for work and is not at all for the kids, nor is it for folks who are at all squeamish or easily offended by reference to human anatomy. Nevertheless, to the extent that stories like this are true (and we have no reason to believe that this story is not at this point), we think that knowing stories like this helps us to make better sense of the world and our place in it as non-professional athletes. We share this story in that vein. Also, Drew's comment about "Bob from accounting" is hilarious. We will not comment on the homophobic Brady Quinn joke included in the KSK piece at this time, but promise to touch on it in a later piece.

Here is a recap of yesterday's US Track and Field debacle in the Olympics. Yesterday marked the first time that neither a men's nor women's US team did not compete in the 4 x 100 relay medal heat since 1940-something. We think that this failure is particularly notable because women's relay team member Lauryn Williams blamed a voodoo curse on the loss. (She also said "My hand was there. The stick was there. What I'm telling people is that the stick had a mind of its own. It's not my fault, it's not her fault, it's not either of our fault.") We feel for Ms. Williams, and for the rest of the U.S. team, and are generally sympathetic of the fact that these athletes are required to speak to reporters so soon after they compete in these truly life-altering events, but we can't not note that we think that anyone who is so quick to blame voodoo on her failures probably does not deserve to win a medal at the Olympics, or at the Medina County Fair. We hope that future U.S. athletes will be more accepting of personal responsibility for their failures.

Finally, here is a story about Baltimore Ravens fans. After reading this, the only conclusion that we can draw from it is that Baltimore Ravens fans are inveterate racists, which seems like as fine a conclusion as any to send us into the weekend.

Be safe people -- don't do anything that Charles Haley wouldn't do. We'll see y'all on Saturday and/or Sunday for some more NFL Pre-season action. For those keeping track, we're 3-1 against the spread so far this season on the NFL Pre-season action.

A Golden Opportunity

Shawn Johnson is America’s new golden girl after winning Olympic gold on the balance beam yesterday in China, edging her teammate Nastia Liukin who had just bested her for the gold in the all-around competition. America loves their lady gymnasts. Them and the figure skaters. Their lithe figures and impossible movements enchant young and old alike. And when they bring home gold medals for America, lucrative endorsement deals soon follow. We expect that Miss Johnson's face will be on a Wheaties box soon, and many other places, thanks to her gold medal winning performance. Liukin might make it on that cereal box too, but Johnson’s spritely demeanor, Middle-American roots, and impossibly cute and beaming smile should make it hard for Luikin to match her advertising appeal. And there’s one potential endorsement that should be only Johnson’s to lose. Imagine … Iowa meets New York … the perfect combination of Midwestern charm and urban sophistication.
Shawn John, anyone? How does Diddy not go for this?

Patrick McManamon: Loyal Cleveland Frowns Reader?

Yesterday we wrote about how the Browns were all atwitter at the prospect of playing on Monday night against the Giants, and in Prime Time on several occasions in this upcoming season. We predicted that they would not cover against the Giants, partly because we believed that their excitement about these prime-time games seemed misdirected.

We wrote that:

"[W]e don’t think that this kind of excitement about Monday night games is helpful. First, we don’t think that Paul Brown would like it. He was the one who said that we should pretty much act the same way in victory and in defeat. . . . What Paul Brown would say to these guys is, you’re getting paid to play football for the Cleveland Browns and you should play your best g*ddam football no matter what time it is and no matter who’s watching whether it’s Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday afternoon, or Thursday morning. . . . G*ddamit! That’s what Paul Brown would say."

In today’s Akron Beacon Journal, Patrick McManamon provides a detailed breakdown of the Browns’ many missteps in last evening’s eyesore of a performance (we really like the title of his piece). We’re glad to report that Mr. McManamon shares our concerns about the Browns' misdirected excitement. He wrote this:

"[H]ere's another thought: One thing that can really mess up the Browns this season would be if they approached the season as if they'd made it. It's not like they got five prime-time games after not making the playoffs, is it? It was kind of bothersome to hear some of the players talk before the game about how excited they were going to New York to play on Monday night. This could well have been a case of guys just pretty much answering questions in the most routine of ways. ''Are you excited about going to New York for Monday night?'' ''Sure I'm excited about going to New York for Monday night.'' But it seemed a little bit like the attention was on the wrong thing. . . .

"This was a preseason game, and the approach should have been on playing well, playing smart and competing — whether the game was in New York or New Carrollton. The players could have said that, too. The Browns played like buffoons. . . Most important, though, was the lack of maturity and proper attention. A team doesn't have to win in preseason, but it sure needs to give a good, smart effort. . . . They have many talented players, but if they don't approach the games like professionals, if they think they are better than they actually are, there will be problems. The effort Monday night was not professional or mature. The TV networks gave the Browns a lot of love, but the cart is before the horse. The love came on potential, not achievement."

We are glad that Mr. McManamon agrees with us about the Browns' misplaced focus going into last night's game, and we wonder if our preview of that game was the source of his “another thought” quoted above. If so, we are happy to help Mr. McManamon, and hope that he continues to visit Cleveland Frowns to find good things for him to write about in the Beacon Journal. We also hope that our Brownies get it together real soon. Less than three weeks until the Cowboys come to town . . .

All Our Rowdy Friends are Really Tired on Tuesday: Monday Night Browns/Giants Pre-season Pick Special

Time to pick who covers when the Browns visit the Giants in a nationally televised NFL pre-season tour de force (8PM ET, Giants favored by 1).

We’ll start with the two local papers. Both of them have stories today about how our Brownies are all atwitter about playing the Giants tonight, specifically, and on so many Monday nights and other prime time slots this season, generally.

"We're excited," said receiver Josh Cribbs. "A lot of teams have looked at Cleveland and looked the other way. We're usually the team that other teams have their highlights on -- but no more."

"It's a pretty big thing for Cleveland," said safety Sean Jones. "We haven't been on Monday night for the five years since I've been here. It's a big stage for us to play on, and it's good to see where we are against the world champions, especially the starters and first-teamers."

Fair enough regarding a good test for our guys, but we don’t think that this kind of excitement about Monday night games is helpful. First, we don’t think that Paul Brown would like it. He was the one who said that we should pretty much act the same way in victory and in defeat. What Paul Brown would say to these guys is, you’re getting paid to play football for the Cleveland Browns and you should play your best g*ddam football no matter what time it is and no matter who’s watching whether it’s Sunday night, Monday night, Tuesday afternoon, or Thursday morning. . . . G*ddamit!

Also, these guys are getting excited about something that sucks. The NFL really bends us over with these Monday night games. Especially for us on Eastern Standard time. Maybe Monday night football was cool when there were two channels and three good things to watch on TV for each entire week (A.L.F., Perfect Strangers, and the Browns game). Now it’s nothing but a five-hour commercial-laden corporate crapfest with two geriatric announcer-“legends” who might not say anything interesting on a liter of pre-game truth serum. To say nothing of the fact that we’re subjected to a full Sunday of no Cleveland Browns football, which is pretty much what Sundays are for. Mondays are for coming home from work early to rest because you can’t get anything done at work anyway because you’re too tired from watching so much football. And it’s not like we’re not going to be watching football all day Sunday anyway, even if the Browns don’t play. So a Browns game that ends at 1AM on Tuesday morning? Thanks, NFL, for guaranteeing an effed up start to our week.

And the Browns’ misdirected excitement about something that is such a crapfest is only one reason to take the Giants tonight. The Giants home crowd should also be a factor. One thing we like about the NFL Pre-season, and one reason why it doesn’t bother us so much that season ticket holders are forced to purchase the pre-season tickets as well as the rest, is that it gives fans who might not otherwise be able to afford it, a good chance to go to an NFL stadium to see two NFL teams of NFL players football against each other. In New York this is even more important, because with so many folks living within in the area in which folks are prone to calling themselves New York fans, Giants (and Jets, but especially Giants) tickets are a relatively impossible score. So these people should be especially fired up tonight, and the Giants starters and backups should feed off of that, especially because it will be the first time for the whole Giants family back in the Meadowlands for a football game after January’s Superbowl win. It’s just the pre-season anyway. Why shouldn’t these folks really enjoy themselves tonight? We hope they do.

Finally, let’s not forget that today is another lucky day in China -- 8.18.08. Since this worked out so well for us last time (on 8.8.08 -- this will make no sense unless you read this post, after which it might make even less sense), we’re going to scan the rosters of each team for . . . YEAH! David Carr, backup Giants quarterback, rocks the number 8. There’s no number 8 on the Brownies, and with everything coming up 8 these days, this is dangerous. We realize that receiver Donte Stallworth wears number 18, but pretty much every receiver wears a number with an “8” in it, so those guys cancel each other out. Anyway, the Giants have an 18 too, punter Jeff Feagles. And we saw how important special teams can be last Saturday when Jets kicker Mike Nugent spoiled our chance at an unblemished NFL pre-season (get in the game, Nuge!!!). So with the crazy 8s lining up for the Giants, in addition to the above, we should again consider ourselves lucky that the Sports Wagering Goddz are smiling down on us with such good reasons to make a pick once again today.

The Pick: New York Giants -1 over our Cleveland Browns

Update: Giants get it done, building a 30-3 lead on the Browns, and holding on for the 37-34 win and cover. The Browns looked pathetic. Really really bad.

2008 Cleveland Frowns Parents of the Year Nominees

We met these folks while we were in Pittsburgh on Saturday enjoying a fine weekend of baseball tourism along with swaths of happy Mets fans, loyal Pittsburgh fans, and others.

We nominate them for our 2008 Parents of the Year award not just because they realize that bringing their son and his pal to the ballgame is great family fun, they further recognize that Seal was right -- we're never gonna survive unless we get a little crazy.

Not too crazy, just a little. What better way to let these energetic lads get a little crazy than to allow them to don some hypo-allergenic black and gold face paint and hair dye to show their support for the local ballclub. Such a display also teaches these boys the importance of civic pride and loyalty. These people are no fair weather fans -- it doesn't matter that the Pirates have been playing relatively dismal ball for the better part of the last 15 years. Pittsburghers like these realize that they're blessed to have such storied franchises as the Steelers and Penguins representing their town, and anyway, the Pirates 1979 "We are Family" championship season seems like it was just this morning compared to the last time any Cleveland team won a big one.

Finally, this face and hair paint also reflects a deserved appreciation for the aesthetically-pleasing gold and black color scheme that all three of the town's pro teams share. Hines Ward jersey dirty for the big game? No worries, just throw on your Nate McClouth or your Sid Crosby. You'll blend right in, and will still be able to contribute to the intimidation of the visiting team created by the visual impact of your home-town solidarity ("damn, they're all wearing black and gold").

Studies have shown that gratitude is a primary contributing factor to happiness. Pittsburgh fans have a lot to be thankful for. Our Parents of the Year nominees know this, and want to raise happy children, like all good parents should. We heartily salute and thank these folks for this, and hope that they will find this page and leave us a comment.

We'll be back before tonight's Browns/Giants game with a pick.

Saturday Sportsbook Special: New York, New York -- Mets, Jets, and Flyover Country

This weekend, while the Angels visit Cleveland from the West Coast to play our Indians, the New York Mets are in Pittsburgh to play the Pirates -- two teams from each coast’s biggest city converging in the heart of the Rust Belt. One nice thing about this is that it gives the City Slickers who live in New York and L.A. a good excuse to come see some ballgames, and expand their horizons by learning how lovely Cleveland and, yes, even Pittsburgh, can be. With the two cities and their respective beautiful ballparks only about a two-hour drive away from one another, this weekend provides a nice opportunity for folks from the coasts to check two ballparks off on the list of parks that they’ve visited. Surely even city folk have those lists, no?

Another nice, even great, thing about trips like this, is that they are a powerful antidote to the cancerous attitude carried by some folks that gives rise to the idea that our two cities are in a place called “flyover country.” Wikipedia defines “flyover country” as follows: “Flyover country or flyover states is a somewhat derogatory Americanism popular among entertainers, businessmen, and others concerned with doing business on the coasts. The name comes from the fact that many such individuals shuttle between coastal locations — e.g., Manhattan and Los Angeles — by air. "Flyover country" thus refers to the part of the country that such Americans only view by air. Even Chicago, one of the larger cities in the U.S., is often considered part of the region.”

Holy crap! What a bunch of jerks!

We get that these folks actually do "fly over" these parts of the country, but that's no excuse for signifying a baseless disdain for, or fear of the "other." We’ve linked before to a great post at Waiting for Next Year that touches on this topic and think that most of the negative attitude about our towns comes from folks who are here just to do business who don’t spend any meaningful time with the people who actually live here. In our experience, pretty much everyone we know who has come to visit us from New York, LA, Chicago, or similar “fancy” places has come away pleasantly surprised with what we have going on here in our respective river valleys. These people get to learn, firsthand, just how different life is out here than it is in their cities. Specifically, they learn that life is a lot different when folks don’t have to live so close together and in such small places. One common refrain heard from these visitors goes something like, “man, people are so nice out here.”  Right. While there are surely numerous reasons for this, one simple explanation is that we don’t have to live so close together in such small places if we don’t want to. We're not saying one way of living is necessarily better or worse than the other -- just different, and certainly not worthy of derision or disdain.

Of course, there’s so much more to say on this topic, but not today, because we have to make some picks.

First, it’s the Mets at the Pirates tonight at 7:05. Pedro Martinez takes the hill for the Mets against Zack Duke. Pedro has never given up a home run at PNC Park. Duke has never lost against the Mets (2-0 in four starts). Will either or both of these remarkable streaks continue? With the Mets in first place by only one game over the Phillies in the NL East, and the Pirates lineup resembling a high school junior varsity team after trading Jason Bay and Xavier Nady, the Mets need this win more than the Bucs, and should get it. Of course, “should” doesn’t always work out but the better reason to pick the Mets today is the brave and thoughtful New Yorkers who are willing to look past common misconceptions, confront prejudices, and come to visit our towns and our ballparks. And we happen to know for a fact that some of them are doing this this very weekend. We expect that the Baseball Gods will smile on these hardy souls, and help to bring the Mets a victory, sending their fans back to the Big City with smiles on their faces, their souls aglow with Midwestern warmth and hospitality. The Pick: New York Mets -160 over the Pittsburgh Pirates.

And we promised a football pick today as well. So why not Brett Favre and the Jets tonight over the Washington Redskins? We like this pick mainly for reasons stated here, that relate to our support for Favre’s comeback. And also because the Redskins have been hot thus far in the preseason, with their quarterbacks playing well. This might mean that Redskin backers who don’t share our support for Favre’s comeback are helping to drive the line, and we’re happy to put our v-chips up against them. Finally, the Jets have backup receiver David Clowney on their side, who went bananas against our Browns last week with two 70+ yard touchdown catches. Perhaps more importantly, Clowney rhymes with Frownie. We’re so down-ey. The Pick: New York Jets -3 over the Washington Redskins.


Update: Baseball Gods, Mets, send fans home from Pittsburgh happy, win 7-4.

Jets lose, 13-10. Favre got off to a good start with his new team, completing 5-6 passes for 48 yards and a touchdown . Frownie favorite David Clowney led Jets receivers with 4 catches for 59 yards. Jets kicker, ex-Buckeye Mike Nugent, missed a 23-yard field goal as time expired that would have sent the game into overtime. Nugent also missed a 43-yarder in the 3rd quarter. Get in the game, Nuge! WTF???

Summer Friday MLB Special: LeBron, Cliff Lee, and a Better Kind of Redemption

We’ve done a lot of griping here recently about our homegrown megastar LeBron and his money-chasing, non-injury-recuperating, global icon status-seeking ways. With ‘Bron having all of this in full swing with his Redeem Team over in China trying to "avenge" Olympic losses by earlier teams of bored NBA superstars, there’s nothing else for us to do but head to Progressive Field tonight for what we think is the perfect antidote for all of LeBron’s nonsense -- Indians pitcher Cliff Lee. The best pitcher in baseball takes on baseball’s best team, the Angels, tonight in a 7:05 matchup.


LeBron has a lot to learn from Lee about how to spend an off-season.

Lee entered last off-season wanting to put the previous year behind him. Like Lee, LeBron must want to put the playoff failures of the last two seasons behind him by finally winning a championship. But unlike LeBron, who continues to pound his body up and down the hardwood over in China, “Lee spent the offseason working harder on his "core" body area more than ever before. Two abdominal pulls and two sports hernia surgeries taught him the importance of staying in peak physical condition. He had always worked, he just worked harder.”

Folks like Redeem Team fans, or the guys at baseball blog Walk Off Walk, might not want to hear about the importance of off-season training regimens and core strength. But how could there not be a connection between Lee's new regimen and his dominance this season (16-2, 2.45 ERA). 

With LeBron over in China as we speak, doing the opposite of taking care of his core and getting himself in peak physical condition, the Athletic Training Gods seem especially likely to smile on Lee tonight, so we’re taking the Tribe, -139 favorites tonight against the Angels.

Also worth noting in this study of contrasts is that it appears that Cliff Lee is not at all interested in becoming a global icon. From Northwest Arkansas’ News Source:

“For those closest to Lee, the surprise hasn’t been his success. The surprise comes when they have to stop to remind themselves that their hunting buddy, their workout partner and the guy who coaches their kids also happens to be a millionaire cutting up major league hitters.

‘Typical Arkansas guy,’ [Arkansas high school athlete and Lee mentee, 18 year old Luke] Kordsmeier said. ‘He just talks about duck hunting and deer hunting.”

Steve Lee [Cliff’s father] just shakes his head. In all honesty, he doesn’t get it. Why so much fuss ? All this attention, just for throwing a ball.

One gets the idea his son feels the same way. So when the baseball season ends, expect even more time than usual in the deer woods for Cliff Lee, who like his grandfather and father, prefers to do good, then vanish.

But don’t expect him to vanish from the town he calls home. ‘I could move pretty much anywhere,’ Lee said. ‘But my family’s there and my wife’s family’s there. It’s what I know. I don’t think I’ll ever leave. It’s my home.’”

Heartwarming.

The Pick: Cleveland Indians -139 over the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles.

Update: The Indians win, 3-2. A complete game gem for Cliff Lee.

Need Mo' Info

If you read the sports section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer this morning, you would have learned that the Cavaliers traded Joe Smith and Damon Jones to obtain point guard Maurice (Mo) Williams from the Milwaukee Bucks. Among the many seemingly relevant things that you would not have been able to learn from reading Cleveland's only major sports page today are: 1) Whether Williams played college ball; 2) If he did play in college, where he played; 3) How long Williams has been in the league; 4) Whether he has played for any team other than the Bucks; 5) Which team drafted him, in which round, and with which pick; and 6) Williams' career statistics.

The Plain Dealer's Mary Schmitt Boyer, Bill Livingston, and Bud Shaw each filed a separate story about the Williams trade, and none of them mentions any of this information. Nor can this information be found anywhere else in the newspaper. We realize that it's easy enough to find this info on the internet, but our reading of the three Plain Dealer reports this morning would have been a significantly more meaningful experience (read, so much less irritating) with the context that this background info would have provided. This all must have something to do with the increasing irrelevance of print-media that we hear so much about.

So it turns out that Williams did, in fact, play college ball, at Alabama, after which he was drafted by the Utah Jazz with the 18th pick of the second round of the 2003 NBA Draft. He spent one season with Utah, after which he was traded to the Bucks, where he has played the last four seasons. In each of the last two seasons, Williams has averaged over 17 points and 6 assists per game. That's more points and assists per game than any Cav averaged last season except for LeBron. Williams' scoring and ball-handling skills should help. Injuries and defense are a concern for him, but GM Danny Ferry "is certain the Cavs can correct" his "suspect defense" and "is not worried about the variety of injuries that kept Williams out of about 50 games the past three seasons." If you say so, Danny.

We'll miss Joe Smith inside, but the Cavs appear to be pleased with J.J. Hickson's progress. We're OK with that. It looks like the Cavs are confident in Williams' ability to step up at crunch time, and that the Cavalier players generally respect his game. Plus, based on the photo above, he looks limber -- like he might be able to easily fit his way into small and/or awkward places. And a scoring-minded point guard should be a particularly good fit with the Cavs, who can and often do easily run the offense through LeBron, who is an excellent distributor. If Williams can be a more reliable ball handler and second scoring threat than anyone else the Cavs have had over the last few years, and it looks like he could be that, this move is a step in the right direction.

In other Cavs news, our very own Global Icon continues his quest for world domination this morning in China against the Greek team. We're pulling for the Greeks here, as we will pull for any team that USA basketball comes up against in this Olympic tournament. This is mostly because we hate that NBA pros play in the Olympics -- a no win situation. What's to prove? If the NBA pros win, OK, they damn well should have. What could be more boring? If they lose, well, that really sucks, as we've seen. We understand that it might be good for the global development of the game to have the NBA's best players play in the Olympics, but Cleveland fans have the most to lose here. The NBA season is brutal enough, and worse if your team makes the playoffs. More importantly, the NBA where the world's best basketball is played. The NBA is what counts. A Cleveland Cavaliers championship is what counts. These guys need a break, an off-season, especially our guy. We hope you'll join us in withholding support for this Redeem Team nonsense.

We'll be back tomorrow to talk Tribe, and then on Saturday for some NFL Preseason action.

Update: A nice breakdown of the Williams trade at Waiting for Next Year: "[O]nly 6 players (LeBron, Baron Davis, Chris Paul, Andre Miller, Dwyane Wade, and Mo) averaged 17 points, 6 assists, and 3.5 rebounds per game last year. 2 of those guys now play together in Cleveland . . ."

Update: Roger Federer, way smarter than LeBron and other Redeem Teamers, knows deep down how dumb it is to waste energy in the Olympics when his sport is played at its highest level elsewhere, and loses to James Blake in straight sets in Beijing today. ESPN fawns. Federer pretends he is mad. Goes home. Rests up for tournaments that count.

C.C. Sabathia: No Friend of Chief Wahoo

While we were on vacation, C.C. Sabathia and his family took out a full page ad in the Cleveland Plain Dealer to thank Cleveland Indians fans and others for their support during his 10+ years in Cleveland. As Coachie Ballgames of Shea Hey! points out, this was a classy move by the big fella, made much moreso by what appears to have been a conscious decision to keep the image of Chief Wahoo out of the ad. A Google image search of "C.C. Sabathia" reveals that the C.C. had lots of good photos to choose from to include in this ad, and the great majority of them prominently depict Wahoo on his hat and/or sleeve. We appreciate the subtle political statement by Sabathia, and that while he no longer takes the hill for our Tribe, is nonetheless helping to bring us that much closer to a championship by doing at least a small part to reverse The Curse of Chief Wahoo. Once these Cleveland Frowns ad revenues start coming in, we might take out a full page ad ourselves to thank him.

Relatedly?: According to U.S. Justice Department Statistics, "American Indian women who live on tribal lands are more than twice as likely to be raped or sexually assaulted as other women in the United States. . . . More than 80 percent of Indian victims identify their attacker as non-Indian." These "rapes against American Indian women are also exceedingly violent; weapons are used at rates three times that for all other reported rapes."

Perhaps not coincidentally, "exceedingly violent" also describes the nature of the dry heaves that are induced when we think of how empty Progressive Field will be when October rolls around.

Nice Hats

First it’s Braylon’s “war cologne,” now we have LeBron, Kobe, and the rest of the US Olympic Team dressed like Nantucket schoolchildren at an Easter egg hunt. “Oh, mummy, , look! A Cadbury cream egg! Can I eat it now? Please?”

Seriously, what’s with the hats? Seems a more simple uniform might have been in order, but that might be just the thing to go out the window when marketing folks and “image consultants” get involved.

So Ralph Lauren gets to pimp the Olympic Ceremony and all of Team USA to sell his Polo brand and “lifestyle.” Ugh.

Here's a decent round-up of the Opening Ceremony outfits here at The Preppy Princess. 

Of course, we could get away from this kind of nonsense if we reverted back to the ideals of the original Olympics of the Ancient Greeks, where the athletes didn’t wear any clothes.

It’s hard not to agree with the Plain Dealer’s Tim Warsinsky, who wrote that

“[t]he Opening Ceremonies are a spectacle like none other in sports. They combine pageantry and peaceful themes, if sometimes performed a bit awkwardly and over the top. The athletes' procession is a parade of shiny, happy people in the peak of their lives. Their joy softens the jaded, and the lighting of the Olympic flame warms the heart.”

So if the Opening parade is meant to showcase these shiny, happy people at their peak, why half-step?

These are the best bodies in the world. Why not let them shine?  Tasteful, flesh colored Speedo briefs and bikinis would be an easy way to comply with public decency laws. 

Then we'll really be talking about pageantry and peace -- softening the jaded, and warming the heart. The sculpture garden at the Met coming to life in all different shapes and colors.

Surely the only way we can reverse civilization’s decline -- marked by white pressed pants and newsboy caps -- and recapture the “pageantry and squalor,” of the original games, “with its beautiful bodies, rotting meat, flies, and broiling heat.”

Ralph Lauren might not like this, but think of what it would do for NBC's ratings. 

Crazy Eights: Olympic Opening Ceremony NFL Preseason Pick Special

Today is 8/8/08, which is pretty awesome. Also, the 2008 Summer Olympics kick off in Beijing, China today. This is no coincidence. To many Chinese, the number 8 is an “auspicious” number. Apparently “auspicious” means a lot more than just “lucky,” because folks in China will pay big bucks  to have the number 8 in their phone number or license plate. According to this story at CNN.com, an airline paid $300,000 to buy the telephone number “8888-8888.”

And the CNN report is corroborated by this fantastic New York Times Report about a government auction held inside a “dingy badminton gymnasium,” where the government auctioned 200 lucky-numbered license plates for a total of 2,932,000 yuan, or $366,500. A young businessman named Ding paid the equivalent of $6,750 for a license plate. Another man paid the equivalent of $10,000 for a plate reading “AC6688.” And that one doesn’t even start with an 8! Lucky you, if you have one of those. A man in Hangzhou offered to sell his “A88888” license plate for 1.12 million yuan, or nearly $140,000.

According to this trustworthy looking site on Chinese astrology, the number 8 is considered lucky mainly because

“the pronunciation of the word for the number 8 in China. It is pronounced ‘ba’ and sounds like the word for prosperity which is pronounced ‘fa.’ Another reason why the number 8 could be considered lucky is because it is a perfect symmetrical shape. You can cut the number 8 in half vertically or horizontally, and both halves mirror themselves perfectly. Perfect symmetry lends itself to perfect balance. In Chinese Astrology, perfect balance is considered the ideal.”

Hard to argue with that.

Additionally, there is the Noble Eightfold Path of Buddhism, the eight-day Jewish holiday of Hanukkah, the eight Islamic angels who carry The Holy Throne of Allah, and the eight limbs of yoga. And, perhaps most importantly, members of the Mormon faith “believe that humans are responsible for their actions by the age of 8,” when they will then have “sufficient knowledge to commit sin.” Finally, there are twenty-four hours in a day: 8 hours to work, 8 hours to rest, and 8 hours to play.

Of course, all of this means that it is mandatory that we take the Raiders -3 tonight in their pre-season battle royale with the 49ers. This is obvious because Raiders third-string quarterback Marques Tuiasosopo wears jersey number 8. And what’s not to like about Tuiasosopo? He is the only person in NCAA history to throw for 300 yards and rush for over 200 yards in the same game, which is baaaaaaddd ass. Plus, he’s competing with Andrew Walter for the Raider’s back-up QB job. Coach Kiffin tells us that “Preseason will be big for those two [Tui and Walter]” so they’re both sure to be fired up. Also, we’re told that Number 8 “had a superb passing session during the Raiders’ first night practice.” SOLD.

A third string quarterback is seldom if ever as important to the outcome of a game as he is in the Preseason opener. The Sports Wagering Gods smile upon us from Mount Olympus to the Yay on this lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky lucky day.

The pick: Oakland Raiders -3 over the San Francisco 49ers. (Note also that 7 is an unlucky number in China: “Seven is considered spiritual or ghostly. The seventh month of the Chinese calendar is also called the “Ghost Month.” During this month, the gates of hell are said to be open so ghosts and spirits are permitted to visit the living realm. It is not commonly associated with luck.” Jeepers Creepers! 7 * 7 = 49! Could these 67% of Sportsbook.com bettors who are taking the 49ers today be unemployed ghostbusters, looking for work?)

Update, 8/9/08: Final score -- Raiders 18, 49ers 6. Not only an easy cover, but 18 + 6 = 24. Of course, 24 is 8 three times. Amazing. We can't wait for 9/9/09.

NFL Preseason Kickoff: Working, Playing, and Picking

You might have heard that Brett Favre is in town today with his new employer, the New York Jets. You’ve undoubtedly heard the commotion over Favre’s decision to un-retire from the NFL after an offseason change of heart. You might have also noticed that there’s a significant amount of irrational hatred of Favre out there, a lot of which is probably due to the fact that Big Sports Media as a whole tends to act as his personal publicist/lapdog. Flowing from this is a substantial element that takes on a negative “enough already!” attitude toward Favre’s oscillating employment status. This is so much misplaced energy to us. We’re pulling for Favre. Not because of that real-man-recovering-painkiller-addict-aw-shucks-Wrangler-wearin-buy-ya’-a-beer way that he carries himself, but rather because it looks like he wants to keep playing until the wheels fall off.

We like what Favre is doing here so much because we've often wondered just what is so great about retiring before the wheels fall off. Everyone we know who’s retired has essentially pressed the fast forward button on their trip to the grave in doing so -- at least everyone we know who has retired without picking up something of equal or greater substance to work on. And this isn’t just the fate of ordinary Joes. John Elway had a tough time after he retired. And look at what happened to two of LeBron's heroes, each of whom had plenty left in the tank when he tried to retire “while he was on top,” only to re-enter the game after it was too late:




Ugh.

Godspeed, Mr. Favre. You have our full support, as do your Jets tonight, + 3.5 against our Browns.

Another reason to pick the Jets tonight is that the Browns have made the seemingly impossibly stupid decision to name Derek “Lucky Stars” Anderson their starting quarterback for this season, thus foreclosing any meaningful pre-season competition between Anderson and Brady Quinn. (He’s “Lucky Stars” because he’s so lucky that he plays with so many stars -- except in a must-win-to-get-in-the-playoffs-game against the lowly Bengals. The lucky stars didn’t help there.) We’ve written at length about this in the past, and will continue to, because Lucky Stars Anderson scares the hell out of us. For now it’s enough to note that Quinn should rightly be depressed about this situation. Additionally, we should point out that Quinn will be playing with backups tonight, which should cause his value to be inflated due to the public's willingness to view a quarterback in isolation from his team. Note finally that 90% of Sportsbook.com players are backing the Brownies -3.5, which tells us that the irrational Quinn backers and Favre haters are in full force tonight. If we didn’t know how hard this business was, we’d say that this looks like an easy way to start the picking season.

The Pick: New York Jets +3.5 over the Cleveland Browns.

Update: Final Score -- Jets 24, Browns 20. Easy peasy.

The Working Man is a Sucker,

and the hibernating beast rises slowly. We walked past folks in Leroy Hoard and Brady Quinn jerseys on our way into the office this morning, glanced eastward at the Muni Lot, and saw scattered orange trailers and solo cups amidst the cars of us workaday suckers. Someone already has a speaker blaring. These people teach us that Braveheart was right -- every man dies, but not every man really lives.

We’ll be back before gametime with our preview and pick for tonight’s Browns/Jets tilt. Finally, Brett Favre is back in Cleveland.