WEB OF THE WIDE WORLD
Executive Department
OFFICE OF FROWNS
Cleveland
RESOLUTION
WHEREAS, LeBron James is a professional basketball player in the National Basketball Association (“NBA”) and one of the greatest athletic talents in recorded world history, who was born and raised in Akron, Ohio, and who played the first seven years of his NBA career in Cleveland, Ohio for the Cleveland Cavaliers franchise, such seven years having been the most thrilling and rewarding seven years that fans of a basketball team could hope to enjoy absent a championship victory; and
WHEREAS, LeBron James made a “Decision” to leave the employ of the Cleveland Cavaliers for that of the Miami Heat franchise, thus breaching express and implied promises to the people of Northeast Ohio and others that he would lead the Cavaliers to an NBA championship and make Cleveland “light up like [Las] Vegas[, Nevada]“; and
WHEREAS, no remotely sane person could characterize James’ Decision as anything other than the prioritization of base short-sighted self interest at the direct expense of civilization and human progress, thus, a complete failure, also, incredibly sad and a tragedy; and
WHEREAS, seven years of undiluted obsequiousness on the part of the local and national press, the Cavaliers’ front office, and the rest of the posse of sycophants that surrounded James from the moment he became an instant hundred millionaire at the age of eighteen could not have failed to have had a significant negative impact on James’ ability to correctly respond to the circumstances that gave rise to the Decision, nor could having been born in poverty to a homeless, crack-addicted single mother; thus the failure represented by the Decision is not that of James alone but also a failure of society; and
WHEREAS, the Decision would have remained a complete failure, also, incredibly sad, a tragedy, and no less so no matter which team prevailed in the recently concluded NBA Finals Series between the Dallas Mavericks and Miami Heat; and
WHEREAS, it is the preference of a significant number of remotely sane citizens of the State of Ohio to avoid celebrating failures of society or reveling in the personal weaknesses of others.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, Peter Pattakos, publisher of the website Cleveland Frowns do hereby name:
GOVERNOR JOHN R. KASICH
as a shameless and feckless hack who will forever be remembered for using the public fisc, whatever portion of any state employee’s time that could have been spent doing anything else, the occasion of an incredibly sad and tragic failure of society, and the outcome of one NBA Finals Series to work a cheap political play to pander to a billionaire campaign donor and casino profiteer as well as some of the worst prejudices of certain of his constituents at the expense of understanding said failure and moving The State of Ohio forward in its wake.
What an A-hole.*
Excelsior.
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