Sixth Annual Cleveland Frowns NFL Draft Party: Thursday, April 28 at Map Room

by Cleveland Frowns on April 15, 2016

“Extraordinary people survive under the most terrible circumstances and they become more extraordinary because of it.”Robertson Davies


It would be understandable if people were thinking that there wouldn’t be a draft party this year. As the years pass, it keeps getting harder to see the NFL as anything other than the worst kind of brand exploitation, and this would be true even if the Browns could manage to show up as something other than a historic league-laughingstock. And even if one manages to look past the larger concerns, after the way last season went, and with Haslam’s newest strategy of throwing money at a bunch of Ivy-degreed technocrats who’ve stripped the roster down to expansion-era levels just in time to give the new quarterback a lifetime of Tim Couch PTSD-shakes, there still isn’t be a whole lot new to feel, think, or say about the orange helmets.

But as spectacularly as the Browns have failed to reach their potential as a community asset, football is still fun and the orange helmets still offer as much of a collective experience and memory as anything else. At least in this corner of the internet. Which itself is worth celebrating, not least because the lessons of Vanilla Sky and The Whore of Akron won’t soon be lost on us. Of course, if it weren’t for terrible things, there could never be anything great. And a hometown NFL franchise that’s an endless void of disappointment and despair is also a fine reminder that the possibilities for draft parties and everything else are theoretically limitless. Not to mention that this could be our last chance to get together in Cleveland as we know it what with the looming existential threat posed by this summer’s RNC.

So let’s party like Jim Pyne in 1999.

The location, as always, is the basement of Gillespie’s Map Room (1281 West 9th St., just north of Saint Clair in the Warehouse District). The party will start at 6PM and will last through the draft’s first round on Thursday night. Domestic draft beer is usually on special, and the kind folks at Map Room usually give us a round or so of free shots plus some free appetizers and award-winning pizza (also available for purchase). Five years and counting and nobody has ever left this party broke or hungry.

Celebrity blogger and Cheddar Bay-types usually show up along with heads of state, other media-types and most of Cleveland’s sexiest singles. This year we’re expecting an especially distinguished out-of-town guest from the comments section, plus a bona-fide football handicapping prodigy. And we have high hopes that 2016 Cleveland Frowns Person of the Year Pedro Rodriguez will show up as well. There will be door prizes for best tweets, a fully equipped DeChiefing station, wistful remembrances of the Mangini era, more free legal advice* than you could ever want, and of course, your hardiest and most understanding friends there mostly to enjoy talking about Cleveland, Browns, and things with you.

A facebook page for the event is here if you’d like to check in and invite whomever. Hopefully we’ll see you soon at Map Room.


*Not to be relied on as legal advice.

  • Cleveland Frowns

    Hint re: the bona fide football handicapping prodigy: Her initials are A.B.

  • PML

    I can’t think of a better way to welcome Laremy Tunsil to this dumpster fire.

  • bupalos

    Awwww HELLS yes! Down to Frown, with bells on, if necessary!

    • Cleveland Frowns

      You have a lot of catching up to do after last year’s debacle.

  • trashycamaro

    Definitely looked in to a plane ticket. Next year!

    Are we all on the Tunsil train?

    • Cleveland Frowns

      We’re all on the flaming dumpster train. I think the big question is whether Joe Thomas is still a Brown by the end of the night.

      You have a good excuse for missing this year but next year the Exec. Comm. won’t take such a failure so lightly.

  • 6thCity

    I can’t help but be a little excited about DePodesta. I know more about analytics than Xs and Os so I feel I can more accurately pretend to know what I’m talking about now. I will be at the draft party in spirit, while physically pampering my kid after he gets his tonsils removed.

    • Cleveland Frowns

      Best wishes on the surgery. Send extra painkillers to Map Room and please keep us posted on what there is to be excited about.

      • 6thCity

        Alright, kiddo is doing okay but the bike currier I hired to deliver the pills to the Map Room got “lost.” I can at least attempt to explain what excites me about Berry, DePodesta, and to some extent Brown and Jackson having say in how we stop being bad. Some of this is with the benefit of hindsight since the draft has passed.

        1. Presser language and actual draft actions speak to a multi-year plan to leverage the advantage of being given multiple years ( I don’t trust Haslam to follow through this but I never said I was excited about him) over GMs in win-now mode. Next years’ second round picks aren’t as valuable if you won’t be there to use them or your window to win is short. See the Eagles and the Titans who we extorted in this fashion. We got huge value in this draft and all we had to bet was that 6 picks this year and two next year would help us more than Wentz.

        2. DePodesta probably isn’t doing much but what he brings isn’t a laptop full of spreadsheets, it isn’t Scheiner business “acumen,” and it isn’t football genius. What he does is expertise and experience with three things: “Systems Analysis” and “Organizational Leadership,” two fields that are about how to make any group of humans assigned a task complete that task efficiently, and “Competitive Intelligence,” a field of practice concerning use of data about competitors, the environs, and individual actors to reduce uncertainty for decision-makers. Every NFL team will have 15 guys doing this within the next 10 years. We already have, I believe, the best 4-5 that are already specialized in sports, a large advantage in-and-of-itself.

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