Thank You, Terry Pluto . . .

for writing this, in response to pieces like this, in which the authors seem to rejoice in LeBron's recent proclamation that New York is his favorite city and that Akron is his fifth favorite City. Cleveland didn't make his top five list. These authors point fingers at the Cavs, saying things like "Thus far the Cavs have looked like the same old bumbling franchise that had the enormous fortune of winning the 2003 lottery when an otherworldly talent from just down the road happened to be available."

Same old bumbling franchise? Really? The same Cavs who were a LeBron missed layup away from taking the NBA Champion Celtics to a Game 7 overtime in the Eastern Conference semis? The same Cavs who were the second to last team standing in the NBA two seasons ago? Sure. Why let logic get in the way of the "let's watch LeBron crush Cleveland by leaving" meme?

Thankfully, Mr. Pluto intervenes:

"Listen to the talking heads on TV, most of whom don't believe James actually likes Northeast Ohio. They can't imagine anyone really wanting to live here. We're Devil's Island, only with worse weather. So James has to leave, because they would leave if they were James.


Some media types insist they've heard "from those close to James" that the Cavs star will head east the moment his contract expires in 2010. They point to how the Knicks and Nets are cleaning up their salary-cap situations, creating room to bid for James in 2010.

How about this scoop? James is now hanging around with SpongeBob SquarePants, and the two were spotted chomping crabby patties at the Krusty Krab. He must be ticketed for Bikini Bottom in 2010, not just making a cartoon for kids stressing the need to exercise.

Here's a little logic: NBA rules say the Cavs can offer James one more year and about $20 million more than any other team. This is not baseball, where Boston (Manny Ramirez), the Chicago White Sox (Albert Belle), Philadelphia (Jim Thome) and Texas (Kevin Millwood) can outbid a Cleveland team for its stars on an open market.

Here's a little history: The last player to walk away from a maximum contract (the kind James will be offered) to sign for less with another team was center Shaquille O'Neal, when he left Orlando for Los Angeles in 1996. When other big-name free agents such as Steve Nash moved in the summer, it was
because their teams did not offer a maximum deal."

Good points, all.

Dan Wetzel at Yahoo Sports, rightly points out in the above linked Danny Ferry hit piece that "LeBron doesn’t need New York to cash in as a media superstar or a marketing sensation – he’s making hundreds of millions in endorsements in Northeast Ohio. This is a different era and as big and bold as New York is, it isn’t the only place anymore. The guy signed a $105 million Nike deal out of an Akron high school, after all." Yet Wetzel persists, like others, in explaining LeBron's Newyorkophilic proclamations as digs at the Cavs front office -- "shots across the Cavaliers' bough," and sure signs that he'll leave for the East Coast in the summer of 2010.

The point that nobody makes in these "LeBron is leaving" pieces is that LeBron has every incentive to make New Yorkers and Clevelanders think that he might leave for the Knicks or Nets. Look at all the love he gets from these folks. If he plans to stay in Cleveland, it certainly doesn't hurt him any to have New Yorkers weak-kneed for another few years at the prospect of him joining their team. It only helps him sell more shoes, and whatever else he wants to sell. It only gets him more attention. One might say that if this were the case, LeBron wouldn't want to put the Cavs front office and fans on edge in such a way. But we don't know what LeBron has told the Cavs front office behind closed doors. And he knows that the fans here will always love him while he's here. And a little anxiety probably even helps. And if he does decide to stay in Cleveland, it will be that much more of an emotional victory for us here. He'll be that much more of a hero after getting us all worked up. And he can sit back at a press conference, wink, and tell us that he was going to stay all along -- that he was just pumping the New Yorkers up to sell more shoes. This might not be the case, but we have no idea that it's not, and given LeBron's incentives to make everyone think that he would leave, it's foolish to discuss LeBron's statements about New York without keeping this in mind.

Thanks to Matt Sussman at Deadspin for the links and the photoshopped image.

Update: Excellent piece on this topic here at Waiting for Next Year, and Greg Doyel of CBS Sportsline weighs in nicely here.

2008 NBA Draft Analysis

We like the Cavs pick. J.J. Hickson, 6’9, 242 pound, 19 year old freshman power forward from NC State. Why not? The Cavs wanted youth on the front line, and they got it. With upside. NC State is a solid program, and Hickson is young. Real young. Theoretically, the sky’s the limit for him, so we’ll remain optimistic until we have reason not to. Free Darko’s Shoals provided the following analysis of the pick last night on Deadspin:

"My thinking, as of right now—which is how LeBron thinks about this team, which is what matters—is that Hickson < Gooden < Boozer."

Shoals probably didn’t put much thought into this, and it’s a simple way to play into everybody’s favorite NBA storyline, “LeBron’s leaving Cleveland.” But it’s not as though Boozer was traded for Gooden who was then traded for Hickson. We’re also not sure why Hickson can’t soon develop into at least a 10 and 10 guy like Gooden was. And Hickson looks to us to be more athletic than Gooden (watch the video here). He should be able to learn a lot from LeBron, as well as the Cavs' frontline vets, and develop more quickly as a result. We’ll write more about him as more info becomes available. Welcome to Cleveland, J.J. We’re glad to have you.

Update: 12:05 P.M. -- We wrote this before checking out two fantastic posts on Hickson at Waiting for Next Year. Love the quotes here. And agree that "if you don’t believe you can get a player who will make an immediate impact, then it makes sense to pick a guy with a world of talent like Hickson." We're so on board with this Hickson pick.

Thoughts on a few more picks:

We’ve never seen him play, but we like Danilo Gallinari. Of course, Knicks fans are apoplectic that the sixth pick was used on an allegedly slow-footed European. But Danny G. is only 19, and apparently still growing. He’s also known to have impressive offensive skills -- a greeeat outside shot and a nose for the basket. His feet couldn’t be that slow, could they? And can’t this be learned? How fast are Nowitzki’s feet? How good is his “lateral movement”? How much does this matter? Additionally, it’s apparent from the many photos of him on the internet that Gallinari plays with a certain intensity, and he strikes us as having a certain star quality that seems like something different from the braggadocio that we see from American 19-year old basketball stars. And his nickname is Big Cock (he even has his own logo). There’s a fine line between a healthy confidence/cockiness and something worse. Gallinari seems to live close to this line, but how many NBA rookie lottery picks don’t? We’re going to root for him to overcome the slow-footed Euro stereotype because it would be fun to have this guy become a star in New York. Also, we’re just not sure why everyone is so quick to assume that this guy will be a bust. We expect that the draft night boos will provide substantial motivational fuel, and hope that the good people of Italy will get behind their countryman, and provide a moral/social support network for the youngster to help him along the way to stardom stateside.

Finally, bringing Derrick Rose back home to Chicago had to be the right decision. Michael Beasley reminds us of Carmelo Anthony. And why do the Bucks always draft the guy who gets the most pre-draft hype? Andrew Bogut, Yi Jianlian (since traded), and now Joe Alexander. We wouldn’t be surprised if everyone in the Bucks front office paid $900 for iPhones when they were first released.

Now that the draft is over, we’ll tune back into the NBA sometime next May -- unless the Cavs make any trades in the meantime.

BronBron Bummed By Big Brown Bomb -- Special Report by Coachie Ballgames

Studied up on the G Code.
Said stay down with the frowns.
Now I walk pigeon-toed.

BronBron staggered wildly down the court, drove to his left and threw up a desperate jumper that skidded across the rim to the right. He turned upcourt, perhaps too drained by the thousand invisible daggers protruding from his oft-discussed back to feign more than the slightest consternation over a foul call that never came.

Now, who would be the one to thrust the final dagger in his side? Jesus Shuttlesworth? Nope. Coach Calhoun's finest is still emotionally drained from the last time he balled in a big game, when he popped off Denzel over that letter of intent for Big State. Paul Pierce? He's already been stabbed on the reals soooo…. K.G.? Voltron/Ubuntu's figurehead? Too preoccupied with the peculiar way Rajon had dropped the soap after Game 6. Could he be? First the entire Cleveland crowd now Rondo? Couldn't be! Nahhhh, thought employee #5 as he, yet again, clunked his shot at glory.

Nope. In the end it came down to the aptly named P.J. Brown, either a hobo's Kurt Thomas or a Billionaire Boys Club's Horace Grant, depending on your point of view. Ugh.

Whatever your opinion on the middling efforts of Jim Paxson and Danny Ferry to surround AK-Rowdy's chosen sunn with a championship-level supporting cast or his daffy-duck-esque gait, it was still all there for the taking at the end of Game 7. What if Boobie had been the one taking the clutch threes at the end of the game? What if LeFawn had nailed his own late three? What if he had made that first free throw? Why did no one box out P.(latinum) J.(elly) Brown? What if Bron had enough biofuel left in the Escalade to block Paul "Compared to Dominique? Really? Really??" Pierce on that jump-ball scramble at half-court? Why didn't they call a flagrant on that flagrant on Bigg Z? Why they come up with the witness protection? Why they let the terminator win the election? Come on, pay attention!

What's the silver-dollar hotcake lining? A properly-motivated G can only benefit from such a heartbreaking humbling, as F. Scott Fitzgerald told us in the "The Four Fists." If Lebron truly is the AK-Rowdy Allah to Bird's Basketball Jesus then he will spend his summer working tirelessly on his jumper, as both Jordan and Bryant did before him. Required summer reading should include Bird's "Drive," for how to be a competitive asshole, Bo's "Bo Knows Bo" for Buddhist riddles such as "When I die I want to come back as an F-16" (Bo, Bo, that should be If and not When) and, of course, Frownie's yoga posts. For a title in Northeast Ohio aka The Heart of the Heart of It All, is most assuredly within reach before Jay-Z swoops in with that 40/40 Club loochi for a marquee 2010 debut as a Newark Net (Brooklyn's a bigger pipe dream than one of Mario and Luigi's acid trips). As often as the Cavalier supporting cast is derided, they were still just one errant loose ball or one-more big Bron basket from a Rolling Bones rematch. Bron needs to work on his jumper, fershure, but, like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes, he'll never go platinum without 'em.

Ed's. note: We're taking the Celtics to win their series with Detroit because of Ubuntu, because they've already taken out the best player in the league, and because David Stern wants them to win. The Pick Celtics -150 over Detroit Pistons to win the series.

Are You There God? It's Me, Frownie

No. No we are not enjoying this Cavs/Celtics series. With every step LeBron takes up or down the court, we feel his pain acutely, even if he doesn’t. If we could bet on this, we would bet that LeBron is taking frequent Varsity Blues-style pain-killer shots before, during, and maybe after these games. Part of us can hardly blame him. He’s a competitor, a warrior, he knows he’s the best player in the game, and nobody is going to convince him that he can't and won’t lead the Cavs to victory in any given game. With this mindset, it is easier for him than it is for us to overlook the long term damage that he’s doing to himself. We hope we’re wrong, and we wish that we could talk ourselves out of this, but we can’t. We realize that LeBron has played some excellent ball in this series, and has made some explosive plays. But the fact that he is doing this is only a testament to his otherworldly talent, not his health, which continues to deteriorate before our eyes. He is almost lumbering down the court at times, and wears a near constant wince on his face. The fact that he’s horse-collared out of mid air by the opposing team at least 5 times per game doesn't help, and even lends an air of quixotic absurdity to his efforts. It is killing us. We want it to stop. The Pistons next round? And then the Lakers? Put the needle away LeBron. It’s not worth it. Get healthy. You have a long career in front of you. Choose life.

So today we pray to the Basketball Goddz to spare us another Pyrrhic victory and let our guys go home. And, since we’ve come this far, broken, bloodied, and bruised, we’re going to see it all the way through and put our money where our prayers are: The pick: Celtics -8 over the Cavs.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 6 Preview, and A Major Award

We wrote before Game 5 on Wednesday that while folks expected the Game 5 LeBron magic that we've grown accustomed to, LeBron did not have it in him, physically, to get it done. We were right. LeBron busted out of the gates with 23 first half points, but was ineffective in the second half. Folks who want to credit the Celtics defense for this are giving the Celtics defense too much credit. LeBron is hurt. And his hurt back is even going to his head. He's forgetting to tip waiters at his favorite restaurants, which embarrasses all of us Clevelanders. The boy needs rest.

So now David Stern turns his attention to the next round, where his Celtics must get over the Detroit Pistons in the next round to arrive at Stern's wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest. Stern knows it will be no easy task for the Boston to get over the Stones, and we don't expect he's taking any chances with this one. To get the Celtics some extra rest, he'll call in the zebras tonight in Cleveland. We're picking another Celtics victory tonight. We're not even sad about it. The state of LeBron's health right now is such that a Cavs victory would be phyrric. We'll be launching our "he better not play in the Olympics" campaign next week. The Pick: Celtics +2.5 over Our Broken Cavs.

Finally -- if anyone doubts just how powerful the forces are that are behind the impending Stern wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest, consider again the free pass that Kevin Garnett has received for pounding his chest and screaming "f*cking f*ggots" to the Cleveland crowd, all captured in slow motion on TNT. Compare this to the treatment that our own Brady Quinn received from major media outlets when he was alleged to use an anti-gay slur in a fight outside of a bar in Columbus this winter. This wasn't even captured on camera, let alone broadcast in slow-motion to millions. Try this google search, "Kevin Garnett anti-gay slur." Our Wednesday post about this issue is the number one result, with no other major media coverage of this story anywhere in sight. Try "Kevin Garnett gay slur" The results are even more remarkable. Cleveland Frowns is the third result, and the first two are stories about the ALLEGED Brady Quinn incident. We will write more about the disparate treatment these two incidents have received in the media in a later post, but for now, we wonder: are we missing something? To find out, we'll send a Major Award, aka a $50 money order, to the first Cleveland Frowns reader who can direct our attention to coverage of this issue in a major American publication this week. We'll define major loosely, as a publication that appears to be more "major" than the site of our friends at Waiting for Next Year. Email us at clevelandfrowns@gmail.com with your results. Happy hunting!

Cavs vs. Celtics: Game 5 Preview

Before we get to talking about tonight's game, we want to express our shock at the lack of reporting/public outcry about the fact that media darling Kevin Garnett shouted an anti-gay slur (f*cking f*gg*ts) at the Cleveland crowd during game four. This was picked up by and broadcast in slo-mo by the TNT crew, as you can see in the above video. While this has been discussed on some local blogs, there has been nothing on ESPN about Garnett's hateful use of the word, and a Google searches using terms like "Kevin Garnett" "slur" "gay" "anti-gay" and "f-ggot" turn up no major media stories about this incident. We're awfully curious as to why this is the case, but it is consistent with the general media fawning over Garnett and this Celtics team, and only reinforces our conspiracy theories about David Stern and his plans for an untainted Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals.

As for tonight's game: The last two games have shown that the Celtics have bigger problems than most people anticipated (excellent piece by Bill Simmons today about that), and that LeBron's supporting cast is better than they've been given credit for. The big trade for Ben Wallace, Wally Sczerbiak, Joe Smith, and Delonte West is paying big dividends, with all four players making tremendous contributions in Game 3 and 4. Now the Cavs have the momentum going into game five in Boston tonight, in a round 2 where road teams are 1-17. Cavs expert Brian Windhorst reminds us that the Cavs have been here before, and this is where LeBron has been at his best, having led the team to victory in Detroit in the exact same situation in each of the last two years.

But in both of these games, LeBron has, quite literally, carried the team on his back. As Cleveland Frowns readers well know, we don't think he has it in him, physically, to do that tonight. Despite his well-rounded performance, and his jaw dropping dunk on Monday night, LeBron's scoring output is significantly down, he's still shooting well below 30% for the series, and, with rare exceptions, is not moving with the same force and speed that we're accustomed to seeing. We're going to keep hedging, and stick with the Celtics, and will of course be pleasantly surprised if our pick is wrong. The Pick: Celtics -9 over Our Cavs.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 4 Preview

We think that the above photo from Game 3 says it all about how LeBron is feeling these days. He shot 5-16 from the floor on Saturday putting up a total of 21 points. The rest of the Cavs shot 32-54 (59%) to lead the Cavs to victory. According to CBSSports.com, "James' 22.4 percent field goal percentage in the first three games is the worst of any three-game stretch in playoff history since the 1977-78 ABA-NBA merger."

It would be amazing if the rest of the Cavs could carry LeBron to another win against the Celtics tonight in Game 4. We don't think it's likely, and since our hedging strategy worked so well on Saturday, we'll do the same thing tonight. The pick: Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Lemonade: So Bitter. So Sweet.

We realize that it doesn’t take much, but our minds are absolutely blown by the fact that nobody is suggesting that LeBron’s singularly un-LeBron like poor performance in the first two games of this playoff series against the Boston Celtics is due to a back injury. LeBron sat out a number of games at the end of the season because his back was hurting. As we’ve written/proselytized at length, back problems are serious, and anyone with feet aligned as LeBron’s are would be susceptible to back problems. If his back was hurting at the end of the season, why would it be hurting any less now? After more basketball games? After playoff basketball games? Against Soulja Boy? Despite what the dummies that are paid to write about our Cavs are writing, it’s no mystery why LeBron is playing so badly against the Celtics. His back hurts. He would not be playing like this if he was not hurt. The Celtics are not the Spurs. That this is apparently not obvious goes a long way toward explaining why the Cavs are favored to win tonight. We also understand that LeBron has Juice (JUICE), especially in front of the home crowd, and people rightly believe in him. We also suppose that Cavs backers are also encouraged by the fact that all three of the other Conference Semifinalists in this year’s playoffs won and covered after returning home in their respective series in 0-2 holes. It’s true. When people make bad picks those bad picks are usually based on bad reasons. In view of LeBron’s back problems, the above mentioned are all bad reasons to take the Cavs tonight. 60% of the players are playing the Cavs here. Reee-markable.

Maybe the Cavs will win tonight, but we can’t see any good reasons why we should put our Magic Stones on them. We’re pretty sure that the sooner this season ends the better. LeBron needs rest. Let’s not get down about this sweep, Brownstowners. It should be good for LeBron, and therefore good for us, in the long term. Let’s take these playoff lemons that have been thrown at us and turn them into some lemonade. Let’s take the Celts tonight. Even if we lose, we win. The pick: Boston Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.

Eastern Conference Semifinals: Cavs vs. Celtics and Curse of Wahoo

We don’t have much to add to what’s already been said about the series between the Cavs and Celtics. We know that the Celtics are stronger on paper, and that our Cavs have problems; and the fact that the Cavs are whopping 5-1 underdogs despite LeBron’s playoff chops and the Celtics problems with the Hawks shows that the experts feel strongly about a Boston victory here. Of course, we’ve come to believe that anything is possible with LeBron. And this Celtics team is a little too contrived for our taste - it just seems like too much, metaphysically speaking, for the Boston organization to go from the cellar to the penthouse with just a few personnel moves in one off-season. But as our teams progress in the playoffs, the Curse of Wahoo grows stronger and stronger. Too strong for us to play the Cavs here. We’ll watch, and we’ll root for Cavs, but we're through banging our heads into the Curse of Wahoo. Until it lifts, we’re forced to keep our distance in circumstances like this.

LeBron Robbed; Kobe to Win MVP; Cleveland Frowns Throws Up Jazz Hands

So it looks like Kobe Bryant is our 2007-2008 NBA MVP. Kobe is our MVP even though LeBron joined Oscar Robertson and Michael Jordan this season to become the third man in NBA history to average at least 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists per game. This is so beyond dumb that it’s hard for us to get worked up about it. By every measure LeBron James is having a better season than Kobe, and I don’t think it can be questioned that the if the two players switched teams, the Lakers would be better, and the Cavs would be worse. (Would any Cavs fan trade LeBron for Kobe? No.) Anyone who wants to argue this point must explain why LeBron has elevated his Playoff game in each year of his career and was able to singlehandedly lead the Cavs to the NBA Finals last season, while Kobe has struggled to lead a stronger supporting cast to a .500 record for the last three seasons without making a peep in the playoffs. Kobe proponents point to the Lakers better record in a better conference. Kelly Dwyer, in two excellent posts at Yahoo Sports about why LeBron should be MVP, responds well to these dummies:

“[Kobe] shouldn't be handed an MVP just because Andrew Bynum can ball now and the Grizzlies decided to hand the Lakers Pau Gasol. Meanwhile, James is just destroying people in Cleveland. Pulling in more rebounds on a team that owns the boards even without him (there's not a lot of stray rebounds to go around) and racking up assists on a team that can't shoot straight (44.1 percent, 24th in the NBA).

And yet, those who still consider Bryant to be having the better season than LeBron have no issue overlooking the fact that Bryant scores less, shoots worse, rebounds worse, assists worse, and plays on a team that averages fewer possessions than James' team. To them, Kobe's better because ... well, he just is.

The, "LeBron plays in the East!" cry is getting a little old. LBJ averages 29.8 points, 47.4 percent shooting, 7.1 assists, and 7.9 rebounds against Western teams. When James plays, the Cavs are 16-11 against the West. Kobe averages 29.7 points, 48.8 percent shooting, 6.5 boards, and 5.4 assists (again, in games with more possessions) against the West -- awesome -- but for some reason lets his averages go to relative pot against the East. You'd think it'd be because of the Lakers blowing Eastern teams out, but Kobe actually averages more minutes per game against Eastern squads than against Western outfits, and contributes less. Weird.

Worse, James is going to get burned by voters who will credit him for MVPs likely won from 2009-2019 and hand it to Kobe just because he's playing "unselfish" basketball."

LeBron dominates while carrying a bad team on his back, putting up better stats than Kobe in all major categories. He's nearly averaging a triple double in the playoffs, while playing with a bad back. Kobe is less productive on a better team. Kobe’s award makes clear that the NBA MVP award has become a lifetime achievement award like the kind that they hand out at the Oscars or Grammys. Dumb dumb dumb.

The least we can do about this injustice is make a play on the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semifinals. We’re not crazy about Utah; we’re concerned with Carlos Boozer’s poor play against Houston in the first round (and with the fact that he is a traitor), we’re pretty sure that the Lakers have a deeper bench; and we know that the NBA is salivating over the prospect of a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. But even aside from Kobe’s stupid award, these Lakers just don’t appeal to our BrownsTown sensibilities. We think that Kobe’s MVP award might have the same effect on him that the Heisman trophy has on college players playing in big bowl games. Plus, Utah’s Deron Williams is dope, we’d take Mehmet Okur in a knife fight over anyone on the Lakers roster, and, perhaps most importantly, don’t f*ck with Jerry Sloan. Finally, this play goes well with yesterday’s series play on the Magic because the Jazz are 3 to 1 underdogs, which means that we’d come out substantially ahead even if these two plays split. All reason enough to wave our Jazz hands. The pick: Utah Jazz +300/100 over the Lakers to win the series.

Update: 5/4/08, 3:43 PM --

Soulja Boy Gets Over on King in Bullsh*t NBA Playoff Feud

By now many of you have seen this video or have heard Jay-Z’s new anti-DeShawn Stevenson diss track “Blow the Whistle.” While the video contains some excellent highlights - showing how thoroughly LeBron dominates the Wizards in the Playoffs - this track, and Jay-Zs involvement in this “bullsh*t NBA Playoff feud,” serves only to embarrass LeBron and (especially) Jay, and unnecessarily elevates the status of DeShawn “Soulja Boy” Stevenson. In sum, if you’re DeShawn Stevenson, you call LeBron “overrated,” LeBron responds, and Jay-Z makes a track about it, you’ve already won, no matter who wins the basketball games.

To illustrate how dumb this whole thing makes Jay and LeBron look, consider the track’s inconsistency with LeBron’s initial reaction to Stevenson’s comments:

“With DeShawn Stevenson it is kind of funny. [For LeBron to respond would be] like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy. There’s no comparison. Enough said.”

Enough said. Right. Which is why, when your pal Jay-Z makes a track about it, you only demonstrate that Stevenson actually did get under your skin, giving him underdog status, and making him easier to root for.

To make this all much worse, the lyrics of the track are painfully dumb themselves. First, there’s:

“So big we ain’t gotta respond.” Yes Jay, you’ve certainly demonstrated that.

Then there’s: “Hatin’ is only gonna make him (LeBron) spend a night out of spite with the chick you’ve (Stevenson) been datin.”

Attaboy Jay. Way to make things easier on LeBron at home. Wonder what LeBron’s baby momma Savannah Brinson thinks about all of this, or with LeBron’s relationship with Jay generally. One thing is certain, Tim Duncan would never get himself wrapped up in this kind of bullsh*t. Tim Duncan has four championships.

Finally, there’s this from Jay, about himself: “Don’t compare me with nobody. I’d rather not be mentioned. I’m offended.”

First, it’s unclear who he’s addressing here because it was LeBron who first mentioned his name in this feud. Second, he’s obviously lying. If he truly didn’t want to be mentioned, he wouldn’t have cut this track. Jay is clearly enjoying himself here.

If anyone can find even one decent line in this track, please direct our attention to it in the comments.

We agree with Rob Harvilla of the Village Voice, who, in this excellently titled piece, explains that “Jay-Z is probably siding with LeBron here because he aims to woo the guy from Cleveland to Brooklyn in a couple years, just in time to join the relocated Nets, who will play in a fancy new arena.” We know that LeBron looks up to Jay-Z as a mentor. This episode should cause LeBron to question that relationship. What kind of mentor, out of obvious self interest, inserts himself into and escalates a silly dispute in which his mentee is involved, embarrassing himself and his mentee in the process? If anything, this whole episode should show LeBron that it would be a bad move for him to leave the Cavs to become further wrapped up in bullsh*t like this. To show how desperate Jay is here, consider the inconsistency of this episode with his own earlier, wiser words, from one of the greatest hip-hop diss tracks of all time, The Takeover:

“A wise man told me don’t argue with fools. Cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who.”

We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Jay.

PS: We really hope the Cavs can get it done tonight. It looks like the Hawks are going to battle the Celtics, and it would be great if our guys could get some rest in the meantime. The Celtics are led by veterans, so a longer series with the Hawks should take an extra toll on them physically. Also, the Hawks are an incredibly fun team to watch. Josh Smith looks like a superstar, he’s from Atlanta, and the hometown crowd is eating it up. LeBron, take note. There’s no love like home town love.

PPS: There are good times are to be had in the comments at the Village Voice piece. A major award goes to anyone who can locate this “King of Crakron” dude and get him to start commenting over here. “Reppin the 330 to the 216, Crakron to Thieveland.” Word.

Update: From Dan Steinberg at the Washington Post -- DeShawn's doing an excellent job playing up his newfound underdog/thug status (excellent links in this post). Didn't Jay learn anything in his beef with Jim Jones? LeBron's involvement in this nonsense is enough to make us want to take the Wizards and the points tonight (even though we're rooting for the Cavs). Check back later for a pick.

Update -- 5:17 PM: So yeah, we're going to pick the Wizards +5 in this one. We want the Cavs to win, but with silly self-made distractions like this stupid Jay-Z track, LeBron and the Cavs have made it harder on themselves. And we're sure that Jay wouldn't have released this track without checking with LeBron first. As such, Bron himself has had a hand in Jay-Z publicly contradicting one of his own better works of art. Friends don't let friends. This couldn't be anything that the basketball Goddz look upon with any favor. This also isn't anything that dumb bettors would be wise to (75% are going with the Cavs). We'd love to go Cavs here, but our moral profile won't let us. We'll be rooting for the home team, but this play will take some of the sting out if they lose. The Pick: Wizards +5 over the Cavs.

Update -- 5/1/08, 5:27 PM: DeShawn Stevenson's swagger was undeniable last night in the Wizards win. He had 17 points and 5 rebounds, and threw himself all over the court. He ripped his jersey off after the win and threw it in to the stands at the Q. Hope that this wears off by tomorrow's game.

Greek Easter at the Jake: Holiday Bonus Pick

Of course, the principles applied in our analysis of Friday night's game in Friday's post are generally applicable to the entire series between the Tribe and the Yankees in Cleveland this weekend. It was Tribe time again today at the Jake with a walk-off bases loaded single by Victor Martinez sealing a 4-3 win for the good guys with the bad logo. After a slow start, the Tribe is now 12-12 with today’s victory bringing their winning streak to five games. This streak might be the start of one of the sustained good runs that we’ve become accustomed to seeing from the Tribe over the last few years. It feels like one of those weekends at the Jake, with the home team feeding off a crowd that’s energized by the winning streak and the presence of the overblown and overpaid Yankees. And the Indians aren’t the only ones on a five game winning streak. Despite our concern over big C.C., we’ll join forces with the home team to see if we can’t both extend our streaks to six, together. The pick: Cleveland Indians at 105/100.

Also, we have mixed feelings about the name of the ballpark changing from "Jacobs" to “Progressive" Field. We like Progressive as a company -- our friends who work there tell us that it's a good place to work. We also like that the ballpark's named after a good company that's headquartered in Cleveland and employs a lot of people here, and that the Tribe will collect some millions of dollars for the naming privileges. But "the Pro," "Pro-Field," and everything else we've heard or could think of all sound dumb so we’ll keep calling it “the Jake” for short until someone comes up with something better.

UPDATE: One hour before game time at the Jake and 85% of the point spread action and 67% of the money line action at sportsbook.com is on the Yankees. I don't get it. The below photo of Joba Chamberlain says it all about the Yanks at the Jake these days. My favorite thing about the photo is that Joba is choking on fruit flies at the same time he is choking away the ballgame, and the series. The expression on his face clearly reflects all three ways in which he's choking. We wish we were at the Jake today. Also, we don't care much if the Cavs lose today because part of us wants LeBron to go home, rest his back, and go see a yoga expert.

Salty Saturday

The weather has been beautiful this week and we’re still salty. The curse of Chief Wahoo is really wrecking sh*t these days.

The Tribe is now 5-9 after dropping two straight to Boston in the ninth inning. Oh, by the way, hope you didn’t want to see Boston play in Cleveland any more this season, because after that two game series this week, they won’t be back 2009. That’s right. Our old American League rival, and last year’s opponent in the ALCS only plays in Cleveland twice this season, in April. The outdoor temperature in these games ranged from between 25 and 50 degrees. The San Diego Padres play more games in Cleveland this year than the Red Sox do. So FOX can make more money on Red Sox/Yankees and Yankees/Mets? Retarded. Oh, and hope you’re not busy next weekend if you wanted to catch the Yankees this year. They won’t be back until next season either. Retarded. Just like our retarded muscle-bound closer who finally figured out that his triceps hurt after Manny took him deep in the ninth on Monday. You pitch baseballs for a living. You are wrecking your bones, joints, and ligaments by lifting weights and that is why you can’t throw. Dummy. We will ask again. Who the f*ck is training these guys?

On to the Cavs, who are in even worse shape, as they head into a postseason that has disaster written all over it. The options appear to be twofold: First there is the potential epic embarrassment of going down to the Wizards who will be bloodthirsty for revenge after being bounced from the playoffs by Cavs in each of the last two seasons. With LeBron’s bad back, the Wizards’ chances are better than ever. The thought of Deshawn “Soulja Boy” Stevenson getting over on the King makes us cringe. What’s worse is that LeBron is likely to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening, and is liable to cause serious long term damage in the process. We said before LeBron’s back injury surfaced, that his duck-toed gait was a recipe for future long term back problems. These back issues are likely much more serious than LeBron realizes.

And the Browns have three Monday night games next season. This is bullsh*t. Football is for Sundays. Monday nights are for sleeping. Sometimes the Monday night games last until 1am. That f*cks up the whole week. And the Monday night announcers suck.

Finally, and worst of all, it looks like the Curse of Wahoo has spread to New York, probably due to our affiliation with Shea Hey. Has anything sadder than this happened at a ballpark recently? Ever? F*ck.

We’re going to the game tonight so we'll make a pick. Since Sabathia is pitching tonight, we’re taking the over. 87% of the bettors at Sportsbook.com like the under. These dummies obviously don’t understand what a mess big CC is this year. We do. The pick: Indians and Tigers OVER 9.5.


Also, if you think we care that it's not Saturday you are dumber than Borowski.

Home Cookin'

Golden Flashes. Damn... Can’t win ‘em all.

But you can win two out of three. In fact, two out of three is the goal. If the sucker bets didn’t win some of the time, the suckers’ money wouldn’t be there the rest of the time. It’s what makes the world go round, as they say. Or what makes the universe not collapse on itself…

But damn…Kent State. Bummer. So you see why we had planned to wait until Round 2 before we made some picks. But we couldn’t resist supporting a run with the local boys. And we’re not afraid to do it again tonight.

Tonight LeBron is all but assured of becoming the Cavaliers’ all time leading scorer – all but assured of passing the great Brad Daugherty – in front of the home crowd…his home crowd…on a most special Friday night. And it can never be more special for LeBron anywhere else but here in Cleveland. Here in Northeast Ohio, where he was born, where he is home, and where he was homeless – where he lived in his mother’s car. Where basketball meant as much to him than it could have possibly meant to anyone else. From his mother’s car, to Akron St. Vincent/St. Mary, to the ping-pong balls bouncing……just so that he would end up playing for the city and the people who could, would, and do love him the most.

And that’s why he would be a fool to leave.

Because no matter where he goes, no matter how much money Nike, Jay-Z, or anyone else promises to pay him, he will never mean more, could never mean more, than he does mean, and could mean to the people in Northeast Ohio. That means that no one could ever mean more to LeBron than we can.

And rest assured that, win or lose, the crowd at the Q will let LeBron know what he means to them tonight, and he will return the favor.

So we’ll pick the Cavs -5 tonight against the Raptors. Not because we think it’s an especially Savvy play, but because we think it’s a special one. Tonight should be one of those nights, another special chapter in what could and should be a long line of them.

So yeah, we’re picking the Cavs because we want them to win. We want to live in a world where LeBron blows us away tonight. We want to live in a world where LeBron stays a Cavalier. We want to live in a world where LeBron has no intention of leaving the Cavs, but pretends that he does so that he can sell New Yorkers some silly Yankee shoes. And if that’s not the world that we live in? It’s disposable income – we don’t pick to work, we pick to play.

Enjoy the NCAAs today folks. Our attention is on the pros tonight in Cleveland.

Check back tomorrow for Round 2 NCAA picks.

Frownie Bytes

I agree with loyal Cleveland Frowns reader Big Dood, who said, “I think you’re due for a sports post now.” Currently in the works is an essay on why Roger Clemens is the most sympathetic figure in sports today. The piece will be titled “You Would Too” as in when Biggie Smalls said “you should too, if you knew, what this game would do to you.” Until then, some thoughts on the recent trades and free agent signings by the Browns and Cavs:

It was a busy week for the Browns, who signed quarterback Derek Anderson to a three-year deal and former Patriots receiver Donte Stallworth for seven years, and added defensive linemen Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams via a pair of trades. These moves in total demonstrate that GM Phil Savage knows that football teams win by controlling the line of scrimmage. As Marla Ridenour points out in today’s Beacon Journal, the Browns realized terrific results with last season’s offensive line upgrade, and hope for the same on the other side of the ball in 2008. Savage candidly proclaimed that Rogers and Williams will help the Browns more than any of the defensive linemen likely to be available with the draft picks that the Browns traded away. Time will tell if he is correct, but at the very least, both of the new defensive linemen will help some; as their performance for their previous teams was by all accounts better than any the Browns received from anyone on their d-line last season.

The primary area of concern with the new linemen is with Rogers’ character. According to Ridenour, Rogers has tremendous physical ability, but “his attitude, consistency and conditioning have often been questioned. He never speaks to the media. He once jokingly said at the Lions' complex, 'Cut me. I'm a cancer.' Last June, he allegedly groped a woman at a strip club. He served a four-game league suspension in 2006 for taking a banned dietary supplement and underwent knee surgery.” We have reason to be optimistic that Rogers won’t be nearly as much trouble in Cleveland. As Coach Romeo Crennel points out, “a lot of people need motivation to be at their best, and that’s part of coaching.” Further, the tone of any organization is set at the top. It can be argued that the Lions have the most incompetent managers of any team in recent NFL history, and that a change of scenery and better leadership in Cleveland will provide Rogers an environment in which he is more likely to settle down off the field, and thrive on it.

That the Browns did not overcommit to Derek Anderson further demonstrates that Savage understands the tremendous influence that the guys in the trenches have on the performance of the skill position players. A three year deal with $10 million guaranteed for Anderson is eminently reasonable and is nowhere close to the ridiculous deals like Matt Schaub’s that Anderson was pointing to as comparable to what he deserved. This gives Quinn another year to develop as an NFL quarterback, provides the Browns security in case of an injury, and creates a healthy competition for the Browns starting job. Anderson is no dummy. He almost certainly could have signed a longer term deal with more money elsewhere, but wherever he landed he was highly unlikely to end up on a team with as much offensive talent as the Browns. If he were to end up on another team it might easily have been proven that Anderson is much closer to a mediocre quarterback than a Pro Bowl quarterback. Of course, people can change. There’s a chance that Anderson gets hungry, realizes what’s at stake and what’s at his disposal, and elevates his game to another level next season. In any event, with Anderson and Quinn, the Browns are surely stronger at the quarterback position than they would have been with Quinn and whoever would have replaced Anderson.

One commentator has noted that the Anderson signing leaves the Browns with “one paranoid starter and one sulking backup,” a situation that could “throw a wrench” into the Browns ascent. But this signing will only play out in a negative way if the Browns are indecisive as to the results of what should be a healthy competition between the two quarterbacks. One last thing to consider regarding Anderson is that Savage likely realizes that Anderson’s value is generally overinflated, and for this reason is a trading chip that is more valuable than the late first and third round picks that the Browns would have received if they lost him in free agency. The Browns can get more for Anderson now that he’s signed to a relatively inexpensive three-year deal.

Donte Stallworth is a first-round talent with 1,000+ yard potential, and, coupled with Braylon Edwards gives the Browns a pair of deep threats who could end up in the end zone on any given play. Joe Jurevicius is a solid possession receiver, but does not have Stallworth’s game breaking potential. The concern with Stallworth is injury risk.

On the subject of injury risk, we’ll have to be patient in evaluating last week’s Cavs trade because injuries have kept the team from playing with all of its pieces in place. In addition to Ilgauskas and Boobie Gibson, who are both currently out with injuries, LeBron has been plagued with an ankle issue, Varejao has had problems, and Gooden and Hughes both missed significant time before being traded to the Bulls. At what point do we have to ask, who the hell is training these guys? The Cavs are one LeBron injury away from being a D-League squad, and LeBron’s duck-toed gait is a good recipe for future long term back problems. The obvious solution here is yoga. For now I will say that for all of the attention that athletes generally pay to their musculature, they pay shockingly little attention to the bones, tendons and ligaments that provide the underlying structure to this musculature. This will be a subject of a future post about Cleveland Frowns favorite, Kelvim Escobar. Stay tuned.

Wallyball!

One thing that I find unsettling about the NBA, in comparison with the other major sports, is how dramatically the character and quality of a team can change in an instant with one (or two) big trade(s) or free agent signing(s). Shaq’s moves to the Lakers and then to the Heat, LeBron joining the Cavs via the draft, and this year’s Celtics are good recent examples of this phenomenon -- which bothers me much less when it’s my own favorite team that is the beneficiary. Yesterday’s blockbuster between the Cavs, Sonics, and Bulls might be the most recent example. There is little question in my mind that the Cavs are a much better team after sending Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Ira Newble, Shannon Brown and Cedric Simmons packing for Ben Wallace, Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, and Joe Smith.

Anyone who doesn’t think that the Cavs are substantially better likely overestimates the contributions of Hughes and Gooden, who both came out of college with their games focused entirely on scoring points -- almost entirely from mid-to-close-range. Neither of them shoots a consistent three pointer, and neither is a dominating physical presence inside. Neither Hughes nor Gooden does anything that LeBron does not already do much better (see Exhibit A below), yet both demanded their shots, and complained when they didn’t get them. They both seemed to think that they were there to play the same role as LeBron, which is somewhat understandable because this was the role that they both played in college. Neither adjusted to being second fiddle. Gooden was rarely in the lineup at the end of close games, and little needs to be said of Hughes blog-inspiring performance in last year’s playoffs. Finally, neither Hughes nor Gooden carried themselves on the court in a way that projected any discernable veteran leadership.

Ben Wallace and Wally Szczerbiak each bring something to the Cavaliers that was missing before. Szczerbiak gives the Cavs a three point threat that they have not had in the LeBron era. He has improved his shooting percentage from behind the arc in each of the last five seasons, and is shooting 42.8% from downtown so far this season. Szczerbiak will open the floor for LeBron and Z inside, and instantly makes the Cavs a more dangerous team on offense. Wallace brings a physical presence that is matched by very few in the league. While he has been a disappointment in Chicago, the Cavs do not need him to be the same player that he was when he was four-time Defensive Player of the Year in Detroit. Wallace can bang with any big man in the league --East or West -- something else the Cavs have not had in the LeBron era. Moreover, a change of scenery is particularly likely to rejuvenate Wallace, who was a bad fit in Chicago from the start. Recall that former Bulls coach Scott Skiles would not let Wallace wear a headband in games. Would you not be disgruntled if you had hair like Ben Wallace's and Skiles told you that you weren't allowed to pull it back with a headband? Wallace will be treated like a grown man on the Cavs, who should reap the benefits of Ben’s new outlook.

Delonte West and Joe Smith are