Lakers on the Brink: Globetrotter Fans Despondent

We’ve complained a lot about this Lakers Celtics match-up from the start; about the Sea Monkey (just add water) nature of this Celtics team, the overblown claims of Kobe's greatness, and the seeming inevitability of David Stern's big media made for TV dream match-up that reinforced our most disturbing and unprovable conspiracy theories about the league. But we’re finding more to like about this Series with each passing game.

First we were reminded about Paul Pierce, realized that his story is much more compelling than we'd noticed, and discovered how much we could enjoy pulling for him here. Along with this came the peace of better understanding these Celtics and how they fit together.

Then we saw how this series could show that Kobe is not, in fact, “the best player in the league.”

And now that the Lakers are on the brink, we’re glad that the Celtics are helping to put to rest the notion of Western Conference superiority. Note that both the Hawks and the Cavs played the Celtics better than the Lakers have. We’re also glad to see that the defensive-minded Celtics have kept the Lakers at or below 91 points in three of the four games so far. Folks might say that these games are ugly. This doesn’t bother us. Sometimes when two NBA forces collide, the teams play defense better than they play offense. Just because one of these results is more pretty to some than the other is does not mean that the result is more correct. And some of the most memorable NBA playoff moments come when an individual rises above the wreckage – like LeBron’s 48 point one-man demolition derby in Game 5 of last year's Eastern Conference Finals against the Pistons. In the first four games of that series, the 90 point barrier was broken only once, by one team, yet that ugly series gave us one of history’s greatest NBA Playoff moments.

The self-styled “purists” who believe that a 135-125 Suns victory over the Nuggets or Warriors is so much more preferable to a Cavs/Pistons game, or one of those good old 71-68 Knicks/Heat/Pistons slugfests from the 90s tell us about “basketball the way it was meant to be played.” If these people feel so strongly about this, they should take comfort in the fact that they’ll always have the Harlem Globetrotters. We do love the Trotters.

And of course, there’s Donaghy. People want to dismiss his charges that the league fixed and manipulated games through referees as a criminal playing on conspiracy theories in an effort to avoid jail time. Maybe they’re right. But there are millions at stake in the outcome of these games. If you believe that everyone has a price, it’s much harder not to wonder if there’s something to Donaghy’s charges. Also, it would only take a few people strategically placed in the most important games to have a big influence. If more funny business was going on, we assume that it would have involved referees much smarter than Donaghy apparently is, so what Donaghy knows might only be the tip of the iceberg. And to this end, we learn that federal agents are interviewing veteran ref Dick Bavetta.

In the above linked Free Darko piece, Shoals says that "Tim Donaghy's not a shock, he's confirmation that basketball's like everything else. . . . [a]nd if we've learned to cope with that, or at least suppress it . . . then we should be able to sit the f*ck back and enjoy these Finals." This sounds like postmodern bullsh*t to us ("everything is like everything/nothing means anything/blah blah blah"). We prefer to think of our sports as not like everything else in an important way. And we're not sure how we can cope with something that hasn't played out yet. There’s a long way to go here, and a lot to think about. How this plays out will have major consequences in every major sport. One consequence that’s already occurred is that, with the refs under the microscope, we can all feel better about picking the Celtics today to close out the series in LA. We’ll call this a gift horse and not look it in the mouth. The pick: Celtics +7 over the Lakers.

We are the World, We are David Stern's

Ed’s note: Due to a technical error, this post was deleted in its entirety when we tried to edit its labels for more accurate classification. We’ve had this problem with posts that include YouTube videos. Unfortunately we don’t have a copy of our original post. We do remember that we expressed our belief that the above video provided interesting food for thought, and that issues surrounding race might be particularly interesting in Japan because of “sakoku” (meaning “country in chains”), Japan’s foreign policy, in place for over 200 years until 1853. Wikipedia tells us that under sakoku, “no foreigner or Japanese could enter or leave the country on penalty of death” for over 200 years, until 1853. In this post we also predicted that the Lakers would beat the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals. We noted that with the Chicago Bulls, of the NBA’s third largest media market, winning the NBA’s draft lottery despite the longest of odds, everything seemed to be coming up Stern; and also that this development, combined with the impending Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals, was further proof that it’s David Stern’s world that we all just live in.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 6 Preview, and A Major Award

We wrote before Game 5 on Wednesday that while folks expected the Game 5 LeBron magic that we've grown accustomed to, LeBron did not have it in him, physically, to get it done. We were right. LeBron busted out of the gates with 23 first half points, but was ineffective in the second half. Folks who want to credit the Celtics defense for this are giving the Celtics defense too much credit. LeBron is hurt. And his hurt back is even going to his head. He's forgetting to tip waiters at his favorite restaurants, which embarrasses all of us Clevelanders. The boy needs rest.

So now David Stern turns his attention to the next round, where his Celtics must get over the Detroit Pistons in the next round to arrive at Stern's wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest. Stern knows it will be no easy task for the Boston to get over the Stones, and we don't expect he's taking any chances with this one. To get the Celtics some extra rest, he'll call in the zebras tonight in Cleveland. We're picking another Celtics victory tonight. We're not even sad about it. The state of LeBron's health right now is such that a Cavs victory would be phyrric. We'll be launching our "he better not play in the Olympics" campaign next week. The Pick: Celtics +2.5 over Our Broken Cavs.

Finally -- if anyone doubts just how powerful the forces are that are behind the impending Stern wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest, consider again the free pass that Kevin Garnett has received for pounding his chest and screaming "f*cking f*ggots" to the Cleveland crowd, all captured in slow motion on TNT. Compare this to the treatment that our own Brady Quinn received from major media outlets when he was alleged to use an anti-gay slur in a fight outside of a bar in Columbus this winter. This wasn't even captured on camera, let alone broadcast in slow-motion to millions. Try this google search, "Kevin Garnett anti-gay slur." Our Wednesday post about this issue is the number one result, with no other major media coverage of this story anywhere in sight. Try "Kevin Garnett gay slur" The results are even more remarkable. Cleveland Frowns is the third result, and the first two are stories about the ALLEGED Brady Quinn incident. We will write more about the disparate treatment these two incidents have received in the media in a later post, but for now, we wonder: are we missing something? To find out, we'll send a Major Award, aka a $50 money order, to the first Cleveland Frowns reader who can direct our attention to coverage of this issue in a major American publication this week. We'll define major loosely, as a publication that appears to be more "major" than the site of our friends at Waiting for Next Year. Email us at clevelandfrowns@gmail.com with your results. Happy hunting!

Cavs vs. Celtics: Game 5 Preview

Before we get to talking about tonight's game, we want to express our shock at the lack of reporting/public outcry about the fact that media darling Kevin Garnett shouted an anti-gay slur (f*cking f*gg*ts) at the Cleveland crowd during game four. This was picked up by and broadcast in slo-mo by the TNT crew, as you can see in the above video. While this has been discussed on some local blogs, there has been nothing on ESPN about Garnett's hateful use of the word, and a Google searches using terms like "Kevin Garnett" "slur" "gay" "anti-gay" and "f-ggot" turn up no major media stories about this incident. We're awfully curious as to why this is the case, but it is consistent with the general media fawning over Garnett and this Celtics team, and only reinforces our conspiracy theories about David Stern and his plans for an untainted Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals.

As for tonight's game: The last two games have shown that the Celtics have bigger problems than most people anticipated (excellent piece by Bill Simmons today about that), and that LeBron's supporting cast is better than they've been given credit for. The big trade for Ben Wallace, Wally Sczerbiak, Joe Smith, and Delonte West is paying big dividends, with all four players making tremendous contributions in Game 3 and 4. Now the Cavs have the momentum going into game five in Boston tonight, in a round 2 where road teams are 1-17. Cavs expert Brian Windhorst reminds us that the Cavs have been here before, and this is where LeBron has been at his best, having led the team to victory in Detroit in the exact same situation in each of the last two years.

But in both of these games, LeBron has, quite literally, carried the team on his back. As Cleveland Frowns readers well know, we don't think he has it in him, physically, to do that tonight. Despite his well-rounded performance, and his jaw dropping dunk on Monday night, LeBron's scoring output is significantly down, he's still shooting well below 30% for the series, and, with rare exceptions, is not moving with the same force and speed that we're accustomed to seeing. We're going to keep hedging, and stick with the Celtics, and will of course be pleasantly surprised if our pick is wrong. The Pick: Celtics -9 over Our Cavs.

Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.

Western Conference Semifinals Game 2: All Jazz Hands On Deck

We received the following insulting email this afternoon from the folks at Sportsbook.com:

"Hi [Cleveland Frowns],

Here's Sportsbook.com's Game of the Day:
The Lakers are peaking at the perfect time as they have won 13 out of their last 14 games straight up while covering their last seven games. Their average margin of victory in those seven covers was an impressive 15.4 points. In fact, out of those seven games, only one opponent was able to keep the final score within single digits. Utah, on the other hand, is just 1-4 against the spread in their last five games. Finally, the three times they visited the Lakers this season, Utah lost by double digits each time. Considering the intel above, it’s hard to blame the 79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers (-7).

Regards,

The Sportsbook.com Team"

Regards? More like reTards. As best we can tell this email tells us that the Lakers are on a good streak, and the Jazz are on a bad one. Only someone who is retarded would consider this information to be “intel.” And if this is all the info that the “79% of the early bettors pounding the Lakers -7” are going on then we can, in fact, blame them. We can blame them for BWR -- betting while retarded. This intel-insulting message from Sportsbook.com gives us reason enough to take the Jazz and the points tonight, but we probably would have anyway. We’re still mad about Kobe’s MVP award, and the Jazz looked good to us on Sunday even though they lost by 11. Deron Williams was all over the place, demonstrating his dopeness and consistently setting his teammates up with wide open looks which they consistently clanked off the iron. We expect them to hit more of these wide open shots tonight. Plus, now Kobe has his stupid award, so the Heisman effect will be more likely to have kicked in by now. Our attitude toward the “79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers” is aptly demonstrated in the above photo of Utah forward Andrei “I Must Break You” Kirilenko. The pick: Utah Jazz +7 over L.A. Lakers.

Update -- 5/8/08-- 7:36 AM: The NBA obviously really wants to see the Lakers in the NBA Finals. We thought we didn't have to worry about this after the Tim Donaghy scandal last year, but the refs were all over the Jazz last night, who were whistled for ten more fouls than the Lakers, and more importantly, shot only 16 free throws to the Lakers' 43. If the refs had it in for a team (like we think they do for Utah), they'd have to be careful to call enough fouls on the other team so that things wouldn't be too suspicious. They'd try to call these fouls against their favored team when these fouls wouldn't matter. There were more than a few times when Utah would pull down a defensive rebound and the refs would whistle the Lakers on a ticky-tack foul, giving the Jazz the ball out of bounds, when they already had the ball and a fresh shot clock anyway. These fouls are inconsequential to the outcome of the game. Phil Jackson himself even noticed the inconsistency of the refs, complaining publicly after game 1, saying: "It's a very uneven refereed ballgame. You know, they're calling little fouls one place and not fouls the other. It makes it very difficult to play a good, emotional game. So, that's tough. " This is exactly what the refs were doing, but we think they were doing so to create an advantage for the Lakers, who shot 16 more free throws than the Jazz in Game 1.

We still think that the Jazz look like a better team than the Lakers, but the refs are simply not letting them play their game. Two Utah starters have fouled out in each of the two games, and Utah star Carlos Boozer sat for most of the first half last night with foul trouble. Conspiracy theory? Excuse? Perhaps. But we can't deny what we see out there. And the free throw numbers don't lie. Plus, there is a lot of money to be made with a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. If markets are efficient, we have to be suspicious. David Stern was interviewed at halftime of last night's game and couldn't help himself, gushing like a schoolgirl about the turnaround seasons of the Lakers and Celtics, saying that these two teams "give hope" to the fans of other NBA teams. Nonsense. With the way this Lakers/Jazz series is playing out, it's precisely the opposite.

One last note: We're not blind to the possibility that the Jazz might be being punished by the Basketball Goddz for this. Yikes.

Update -- 5/7/08 -- 1:26 PM: We're not the only conspiracy theorists out there. T.J. Simers has this to say in today's LA Times:

"NBA Commissioner David Stern stopped by the press room before the game and said he had just met with the referees, I presume to remind them how excited he is about the upcoming Boston-L.A. Finals.

For some reason when this game started, the refs called four fouls on Utah, none on the Lakers, and then tagged Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan with a technical foul.No need to make it so obvious, guys.If Stern is worried about a Lakers-Celtics matchup, he ought to be spending most of his time with Boston. . . .

Utah shot the ball well early, but once the referees got into the game, it began to tip toward the Lakers. No doubt Tim Donaghy would have bet as much.Stern's crew took Utah's best player, Carlos Boozer, out of the game with a pair of first-quarter fouls, and then added another 19 seconds after he returned to start the second quarter. Boozer finished the half with no points, the refs doing the best job of defense on Boozer in the NBA this season.

Bryant also picked up two fouls, but his second came with the Lakers up by 15 with less than 30 seconds left in the first quarter and Bryant probably headed to the bench anyway for a rest.Final first-half stats, the Lakers making 15 of 19 free throws, the Jazz going four for six from the line and Stern being treated to a 14-point Lakers advantage.

The Lakers had 27 free-throw attempts, Utah eight after three quarters, and the Jazz still managed to keep it close. But that's the NBA for you, every game seemingly arranged so it will somehow remain close going into the final two minutes -- like that really happens.The Lakers won, Bryant got his Podoloff, and all in all, a good night for Stern and the NBA."

These are facts.

Note: We expressly disavow Simers' statements in his piece about Kobe's MVP award.