Cleveland Frowns 2008 Person of the Year Nominee: Ralph Hardy

It’s taken awhile, but we’ve finally found someone worthy of being nominated for the Cleveland Frowns 2008 Person of the Year Award. It’s 13 year-old Ralph Hardy, from Newark, Texas, whose story is brought to us by Money magazine by way of PerezHilton.com:

“A 13 year old from Texas who stole his Dad's credit card and ordered two hookers from an escort agency, has today been convicted of fraud and given a three year community order. . . Ralph Hardy, a 13 year old from Newark, Texas confessed to ordering an extra credit card from his father's existing credit card company, and took his friends on a $30,000 spending spree, culminating in playing "Halo" on an Xbox with a couple of hookers in a Texas motel. . . .

Police said they were alerted to the motel by a concerned delivery clerk, whom after delivering supplies of Dr. Pepper, Fritos and Oreos had been asked by the kids where they could score some chicks and were willing to pay. They explained they had just made a big score at a "World of Warcraft" tournament and wanted to get some relaxation. On noting the boys age the delivery clerk informed the authorities. . . .

Ralph had reportedly told police that his father wouldn't mind, as it was his birthday last week and he had forgot to get him a present. The father, a lawyer said he had been too busy, but would take him on a surprise trip to Disneyland instead."

Now for the best part:

“Asked why he ordered two escorts, Ralph said he thought it was the thing to do when you win a "World of Warcraft" tournament. They told the suspicious working girls they were people of restricted growth working with a traveling circus, and as State law does not allow those with disabilities to be discriminated against they had no right to refuse them.”

We agree with friend of the Frown, DF, who asks and answers: What kind of 13 year-old boy threatens a $1000 an hour call-girl with a discrimination claim? HINT: The best kind.

The world is not a particularly friendly place for the average 13 year old. So much tough talk on the playgrounds and at the mall -- and tv, and the movies, and the internet. What's a kid to make of it all with such little experience to draw upon (and a father who's too busy to pay any attention)? Not much, which is why we can only admire the fearless leadership that young Mr. Hardy demonstrated in his quest to better understand the ways of the world. He provides us with a welcome reminder that with each generation comes the promise of a better day. Which leads us to the closing line of the Money mag story:

“Ralph's ambition is to one day become a politician.”

We think he's off to a great start. Once again, we can’t put it better than DF:

Ralph Hardy - 2032: Because it's time to get America back on track.

Garbucks

We’ll have our Sweet Sixteen picks for you by Thursday afternoon, with our Elite Eight picks to follow this weekend. Astute Cleveland Frowns commenter Ben correctly notes below that “bettors would . . . be up” if they had played our NCAA picks so far.

Until the Tourney starts back up, we have for you this uplifting story about a coffee shop operated by special-ed students at Akron’s Garfield High School, Garbucks. Garfield is the alma mater of Buckeye football star, Chris “Beanie” Wells; former Buckeye football star and current Minnesota Viking, Antoine Winfield; and loyal Cleveland Frowns grandmother and duly canonized Saint, Grandma Christine, a.k.a. Grandma.

We appreciate the efficiency of a solution that satisfies both the need for good coffee at Garfield, and the provision of practical education for special needs students, but we can’t help but wonder about the Garfield students who drink the coffee served at Garbucks. Specifically, we can’t help but note that the increased demand for coffee in high schools is a symptom of the societal illness that is the perpetual sleep deprivation of our nation’s high school and junior high students.

Stephen Moore makes a good case in the 9/1/06 Wall Street Journal: “As a father of two teenage boys, I can attest to the fact that the single greatest teen crisis in America is not drugs, alcohol, smoking or early sexual activity, but sleep deprivation. . . . The National Sleep Foundation finds that teens now average between 6.5 and seven hours of uninterrupted sleep on a weeknight and only one in five gets the recommended nine hours. . . . Studies show that spurting growth hormones in teens alter their circadian rhythm and naturally turn them into night owls, physiologically uninterested in 9:30 p.m. bedtimes and fiercely opposed to 6:15 a.m. wake-up calls. . . . Amy Wolfson, a professor at Holy Cross who studies Americans’ sleep patterns tells me: ‘The evidence is pretty clear that students in the later starting schools get more sleep and have less tardiness, fewer behavior problems, and do somewhat better in school.’” And we wonder why most teenagers are such jerks. Read the whole thing here.

As home schooled students continue to run circles around the rest with respect to academic performance, and with movements such as the one described in Moore’s piece, we are confident that we will soon enough see a wholesale restructuring of the American educational “workday” so that, whatever else, it will allow students to get more sleep.

Until then, if we’re not going to let the kids sleep, we might as well make sure they have decent coffee. And once the problem of teen sleep deprivation is fixed? They could turn Garbucks into a gourmet salad bar. GarFields of Green?