Euro Footy 2008 Championship: A Tie for a Better Way

Coachie Ballgames has left us high and dry without a pick for today's Euro Footy Championship match between Germany and Spain. We can't let such an illustrious event pass without a pick, so it looks like we're going to have to fend for ourselves. Thankfully, we've found an angle that we can get behind.

Ballgames once wrote a fine post suggesting that goals are harder to score in soccer championship games, and that these games often end in a tie which is resolved by a shootout. He tells us that: "the average amount of goals scored at the World Cup has been falling steadily with every Cup, with the most recent Cup, in 2006 , averaging only 2.3 goals a game. The numbers fall dramatically for finals, with only 1.6 goals per game for every World Cup Final since 1990."

The weird thing about betting on these games is that, as Sportsbook tells us, "ALL SOCCER BETS WILL BE SETTLED AFTER 90 MINUTES OF PLAY." We're not sure why this rule is in place -- why they won't let us bet on who will actually be the champion, but at least they're sporting enough to give us the option to bet the tie. And this is the way for us to go today. We have no particular affinity for either of these teams (though we are glad to see that Mr. Big from Sex and the City has found something to do now that the show's run is over). If important soccer championships continue to be settled by shootout, which, as we agree with many, is a wholly unsatisfying way to end a match of such a beautiful game, perhaps we might sooner see these games resolved in a more appropriate manner. We like the idea that Coachie B. mentioned in the top linked post of taking one player off the field after every few minutes of overtime. P-P-P-Power Play! So we'll pull for the sister-kisser today. The Pick: Germany and Spain to TIE in regulation.

Euro 2008 Final Four: Red Fawn

Coachie Ballgames from Shea Hey! is back with what is hopefully another savvy soccer selection.

Hey there Frownie Faithful, it's time for more footy!!! (emerges to chorus of "booooooos", dodges rotten tomatoes, cream pies, Swenson burgers)

About last afternoon: The greatest game that no one ever saw? ESPN lost their feed of the Germany-Turkey game for large chunks of the second half, missing a goal for each team along the way. They came back in time for the perfectly executed winning goal by Phillipp Lahm in the 90th minute, then lost the feed again and pathetically had to ride out the rest of the game relying on watching the crowds on the streets surrounding the stadium to gauge their reaction of when the game ended. Turns out that UEFA mandated one TV feed for the entire world, so one storm ensured that the whole globe shared in the misery of missing out on the thrilling back-and-forth battle. Of course, I'm never against more screen time with Julie Foudy, but shouldn't/couldn't Espn have cut to a radio feed, as other countries did, rather than the studio where they had little idea of what was going on in the game?

And a terrific game it was. I’m thrilled to have been wrong about the under because it meant we saw that footy rarity, a free-flowing game in a major tournament semi-final. Turkey, with its severely depleted roster, had two choices, play everyone back in the box like the Italians and hope to score on a fluke or set piece, or throw caution to the wind and attack like Turkish prosecutors pursuing criminal charges of "insulting Turkishness" against Nobel Prize winning novelist Orhan Pamuk. They chose the latter, often outplaying the tentative Germans and enjoying the better of possession and decent chances on goal.

Today, ESPN has another chance with this delicious Eastern Front rematch, Spain against the CCCP (the Soyuz Sovetskikh Sotsialisticheskikh Respublik, or Union of Soviet Socialist Republics for you non Cyrillic folk, or volk). Of course, a lot has changed since WWII, or the Great Patriotic War, as our Ruskie pals call it. These changes are neatly summed up for us in this little ditty,

"Russian girls are dancing queens, with new wave hair, and Russian jeans! In the Soviet Union new day is coooming, and there will be no more fiiighting!!!" (The first person who can identify the source of this ditty will be awarded a Major Award. We know it exists, we just don't know where it's from. Email clevelandfrowns@gmail.com with any such info.)

Footy fans world wide are the most frontrunner fans of all the sports. This stems partly from the fact that with so many countries and clubs competing just to qualify for the major tournaments, the odds of your team being in it are slim. Another reason is that footy, and I stress this again and again, is such a defensively-skewed game that fans go ape-shit whenever that rare attacking team comes along. That is why Holland and Brasil are often referred to as everyone's second-favorite team, and that is why everyone is suddenly fawning over a previously unheralded (they did lose 3-0 to a sorry England side in qualifying) Russian team that simply eviscerated the high-flying Dutch in their quarterfinal game.

I saw Russian sensation Andrei Arshavin star for Zenit St. Petersburg in their Uefa Cup Final win against Rangers this past May but in no way did I think he feature this prominently for the Ruskies this summer. Without him they lost 4-1 to Spain in their opening game, with him this semi-final today takes on a completely different tenor. This team is young, rosy-cheeked, and they can flat-out fly like the henchman Clarence Boddicker throws out of their getaway van in "Robocop." "Can you fly, Bobby?"




Wait, where was I? Ahh yes, everybody is touting this Russia team to upset Spain, and as I've said, I'm no professional picker, I'm just your average chump, so who am I to buck the fervor, to go against the madding crowd?

Russia 2, Spain 1, commies over fascists, blintzes over tapas, vodka over sangria, Yakov Smirnoff over that bumbling Spanish bellboy from "Fawlty Towers." Das Vidanya!

And if you agree with my pick, then let's all say it together…."I'd buy that for a dollar!!!"




Ed’s Note: We’ll buy it for a dollar. The Pick: Mother Russia over Spain at 3.40-1.

Time for Footy: Euro 2008 -- A Journey into Savvy Soccer Selections

Guest Post by Coachie Ballgames of Shea Hey!

Hi there Frownie Faithful! It's your boy Coachie Ballgames checking in with the hot footy action you've all been craving.

What's that you say? Euro Footy not so popular in America's heartland? What about the long-lost Cleveland Stokers of the old NASL? What about the manly Crew getting it done in C-Bus as we speak? What about the literally hundreds of fans packing Cleveland State's Krenzler's Field to see their beloved City Stars in action?

Ok, enough already, Frowns didn't invite me over here to discuss the state of Ohio footy but rather to share my thoughts of action on this week's euro footy action.

Today's game pits Germany against Turkey, or Deutschland against Turkiye as they would prefer to be called, in the inaugural Mass-Murderers Bowl. The latest odds show the Germans at 4/9 to win, Turkey the decided underdogs at 7/1 whilst impartial observers may want to take the tie at 3/1 (games that end in a shootout are officially considered a draw). Your over/under, as usual is 2.5, for it is such a fine line between two and three goals being scored in a game.

Turkey will be missing as many as nine players through suspension and injury and could arrive at the stadium today with just 13 available outfield players. Meanwhile, Germany's best players, Michael Ballack, Lukas Podolski, Bastian Schweinsteiger, and Jens Lehmann are flying as high as the Luftwaffe.

Turkey's lack of squad depth implies that they will play back in the box, as Italy did against Spain under similar circumstances. One of the more astounding stats about Turkey's run thus far is that they have played 390 minutes of football and have had the lead for all of 9 minutes of them. Germany will have a tough time finding space for their impressive wingers, and without the size advantage they enjoyed against Portugal, will not find things as easy on set pieces from which they have scored three goals thus far this tourney.

Moreover, games, and "squeaky bums" as Sir Alex Ferguson puts it, get tighter in the final stages of a tournament. So take the under and run for cover. Maybe the Pros are right in thinking of O/U action as minor or ancillary to proper picking in other sports, but the O/U seems perfect for footy because goals are so rare.

As for the winner, we'll take a page from Frowns’ book and look at the x-factors. Both countries spent time during the first half of the 20th century attempting to annihilate an entire group of people. The Germans went about their attempt in typically well-organized and complex-engineered German fashion, while the Turks went about theirs, typically, brutally and haphazardly.

Thankfully, the Germans were made to pay the price, through the prosecution and punishment of the masterminds, through reparations, through education and proper teaching of its history, and in the great pains the country and its people have made to make amends. Turkey, however, was never made to pay any price and has gone to great lengths, more than 90 years later, to completely disavow that anything remotely wrong ever took place. Proving George Santayana right, Turkey has moved on to f*cking with the Kurds in its eastern territories.

Turkey's membership in the European Union has been held up over its human rights record and concern over its growing anti-secularism. Instead of addressing its past and solving its current problems, Turkey has chosen instead to put lipstick on a pig by attempting to cast a new image for itself in the west. To that end, they’ve adopted new alternate footy jerseys of white and turquoise and have embarked on a campaign to have their country referred to as Turkiye, as they call their own land, instead of Turkey, because of that word's perceived negative relation to that lean, dry, but tasty 1/3 of a Terducken in English. Understandable goal, but seems like they’re putting the cart before the horse.

Let's roll with the repentant Germans over the obdurate Turks at 1-nil.

Ed’s note: We appreciate that obduracy has its place in certain instances, but this pick sounds good to us. The Pick: We’ll go with the Germans to win at 4-9.

Check back for a preview of tomorrow’s Spain/Russia match, and check out Shea Hey! for regular reports on The Beautiful Game.

Lakers on the Brink: Globetrotter Fans Despondent

We’ve complained a lot about this Lakers Celtics match-up from the start; about the Sea Monkey (just add water) nature of this Celtics team, the overblown claims of Kobe's greatness, and the seeming inevitability of David Stern's big media made for TV dream match-up that reinforced our most disturbing and unprovable conspiracy theories about the league. But we’re finding more to like about this Series with each passing game.

First we were reminded about Paul Pierce, realized that his story is much more compelling than we'd noticed, and discovered how much we could enjoy pulling for him here. Along with this came the peace of better understanding these Celtics and how they fit together.

Then we saw how this series could show that Kobe is not, in fact, “the best player in the league.”

And now that the Lakers are on the brink, we’re glad that the Celtics are helping to put to rest the notion of Western Conference superiority. Note that both the Hawks and the Cavs played the Celtics better than the Lakers have. We’re also glad to see that the defensive-minded Celtics have kept the Lakers at or below 91 points in three of the four games so far. Folks might say that these games are ugly. This doesn’t bother us. Sometimes when two NBA forces collide, the teams play defense better than they play offense. Just because one of these results is more pretty to some than the other is does not mean that the result is more correct. And some of the most memorable NBA playoff moments come when an individual rises above the wreckage – like LeBron’s 48 point one-man demolition derby in Game 5 of last year's Eastern Conference Finals against the Pistons. In the first four games of that series, the 90 point barrier was broken only once, by one team, yet that ugly series gave us one of history’s greatest NBA Playoff moments.

The self-styled “purists” who believe that a 135-125 Suns victory over the Nuggets or Warriors is so much more preferable to a Cavs/Pistons game, or one of those good old 71-68 Knicks/Heat/Pistons slugfests from the 90s tell us about “basketball the way it was meant to be played.” If these people feel so strongly about this, they should take comfort in the fact that they’ll always have the Harlem Globetrotters. We do love the Trotters.

And of course, there’s Donaghy. People want to dismiss his charges that the league fixed and manipulated games through referees as a criminal playing on conspiracy theories in an effort to avoid jail time. Maybe they’re right. But there are millions at stake in the outcome of these games. If you believe that everyone has a price, it’s much harder not to wonder if there’s something to Donaghy’s charges. Also, it would only take a few people strategically placed in the most important games to have a big influence. If more funny business was going on, we assume that it would have involved referees much smarter than Donaghy apparently is, so what Donaghy knows might only be the tip of the iceberg. And to this end, we learn that federal agents are interviewing veteran ref Dick Bavetta.

In the above linked Free Darko piece, Shoals says that "Tim Donaghy's not a shock, he's confirmation that basketball's like everything else. . . . [a]nd if we've learned to cope with that, or at least suppress it . . . then we should be able to sit the f*ck back and enjoy these Finals." This sounds like postmodern bullsh*t to us ("everything is like everything/nothing means anything/blah blah blah"). We prefer to think of our sports as not like everything else in an important way. And we're not sure how we can cope with something that hasn't played out yet. There’s a long way to go here, and a lot to think about. How this plays out will have major consequences in every major sport. One consequence that’s already occurred is that, with the refs under the microscope, we can all feel better about picking the Celtics today to close out the series in LA. We’ll call this a gift horse and not look it in the mouth. The pick: Celtics +7 over the Lakers.

2008 NBA Finals Preview: A Pierce-ing Analysis

The much ballyhooed NBA Finals matchup between the Celtics and Lakers starts tonight in Boston. We’re not crazy about either of these teams, or the idea of either of them getting a title, but we have to pick one of them. We’re picking the Celtics for three primary reasons.

1) Selfish crybabies shouldn’t get to win Championships. We realize that Kobe has matured as a person and a player. We also realize that life isn’t fair. But, and we’re not going to get into a detailed history here, what should have been a Lakers dynasty that should have won two or three more NBA titles was broken up because LA wasn’t big enough for both Kobe and Shaquille O’Neal. Kobe wanted the Lakers to be “his team.” This is similar to when Stephon Marbury left the Timberwolves because the team wasn’t big enough for him and Garnett. So now the Lakers are Kobe’s team. Because Kobe got what he asked for, and because he has so much to lose by not winning one without Shaq, there might be an element of added pressure on him in this Series. There’s also a Ray Allen/Kobe Bryant feud at play here, which favors the Celtics if only because Allen’s been dead-on in predicting how Kobe’s career will play out. And we’ve been reading lately about how Kobe Bryant cannot stand to lose; how he has for his whole life been “obsessed with dominating the court.” How does this play out? Is this the result of an inferiority complex? An obsessive disorder? These things don’t generally play out well.

2) If these games are fixed or manipulated in any way, and, as we’ve discussed, there is a tremendous perceived financial incentive for the league to fix these games, this favors the Celtics. If each game means millions more for the league, then we’re more likely to see a Game 7. Game 7 would be in Boston.

3) We think that the Celtics have better roster chemistry than the Lakers. We think that the Kobe/Lamar Odom/Pau Gasol troika has a similar skill set, and we compare Odom and Gasol to a poor man’s Larry Hughes and Drew Gooden as those two players fit with LeBron (see Venn diagrams here). These three are all primarily scorers. The Celtics should have a drastic rebounding advantage against the Lakers in this series, despite Odom’s and Gasol’s size. And finally, as explained in the best piece that we’ve read about this Series, by Free Darko’s Bethlehem Shoals, the X factor in this series is not Kevin Garnett, it’s the perpetually underrated Paul Pierce:

“Underrated on draft night, almost died from a stabbing, excelling with a relative lack of fanfare, suffered through some doldrums just as Garnett did, dealt with criticism, and now, is the real moral center of this series. He should be the pride of the Celtics, and as a Los Angeles native, this series couldn't have higher stakes for him. Checks the stats; as Nate Jones reminded me, dude's always energized by playing in front of the city he still loves. Pierce is about to hijack these finals the way Tony Parker so often with the Spurs, making himself into the marquee name when there's a surefire Hall of Famer defining his legacy.” (Read the rest here).

The Pick: Celtics +150 to win the 2008 NBA Finals over the Lakers.

We Get By with a Little Help from our Friends

Our friend Bryan at Me and Pedro has strong feelings about tonight's Pistons/Celtics game. We're not going to argue with his seemingly impenetrable logic. We'll only add that Bryan rarely speaks with such certitude about the outcome of a ballgame, and that we're sure that Stern will still come through with a call into the zebras for the men in green in Game 7, should it come to that.

The pick: Pistons -5 over Celtics

We are the World, We are David Stern's

Ed’s note: Due to a technical error, this post was deleted in its entirety when we tried to edit its labels for more accurate classification. We’ve had this problem with posts that include YouTube videos. Unfortunately we don’t have a copy of our original post. We do remember that we expressed our belief that the above video provided interesting food for thought, and that issues surrounding race might be particularly interesting in Japan because of “sakoku” (meaning “country in chains”), Japan’s foreign policy, in place for over 200 years until 1853. Wikipedia tells us that under sakoku, “no foreigner or Japanese could enter or leave the country on penalty of death” for over 200 years, until 1853. In this post we also predicted that the Lakers would beat the San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals. We noted that with the Chicago Bulls, of the NBA’s third largest media market, winning the NBA’s draft lottery despite the longest of odds, everything seemed to be coming up Stern; and also that this development, combined with the impending Celtics/Lakers NBA Finals, was further proof that it’s David Stern’s world that we all just live in.

BronBron Bummed By Big Brown Bomb -- Special Report by Coachie Ballgames

Studied up on the G Code.
Said stay down with the frowns.
Now I walk pigeon-toed.

BronBron staggered wildly down the court, drove to his left and threw up a desperate jumper that skidded across the rim to the right. He turned upcourt, perhaps too drained by the thousand invisible daggers protruding from his oft-discussed back to feign more than the slightest consternation over a foul call that never came.

Now, who would be the one to thrust the final dagger in his side? Jesus Shuttlesworth? Nope. Coach Calhoun's finest is still emotionally drained from the last time he balled in a big game, when he popped off Denzel over that letter of intent for Big State. Paul Pierce? He's already been stabbed on the reals soooo…. K.G.? Voltron/Ubuntu's figurehead? Too preoccupied with the peculiar way Rajon had dropped the soap after Game 6. Could he be? First the entire Cleveland crowd now Rondo? Couldn't be! Nahhhh, thought employee #5 as he, yet again, clunked his shot at glory.

Nope. In the end it came down to the aptly named P.J. Brown, either a hobo's Kurt Thomas or a Billionaire Boys Club's Horace Grant, depending on your point of view. Ugh.

Whatever your opinion on the middling efforts of Jim Paxson and Danny Ferry to surround AK-Rowdy's chosen sunn with a championship-level supporting cast or his daffy-duck-esque gait, it was still all there for the taking at the end of Game 7. What if Boobie had been the one taking the clutch threes at the end of the game? What if LeFawn had nailed his own late three? What if he had made that first free throw? Why did no one box out P.(latinum) J.(elly) Brown? What if Bron had enough biofuel left in the Escalade to block Paul "Compared to Dominique? Really? Really??" Pierce on that jump-ball scramble at half-court? Why didn't they call a flagrant on that flagrant on Bigg Z? Why they come up with the witness protection? Why they let the terminator win the election? Come on, pay attention!

What's the silver-dollar hotcake lining? A properly-motivated G can only benefit from such a heartbreaking humbling, as F. Scott Fitzgerald told us in the "The Four Fists." If Lebron truly is the AK-Rowdy Allah to Bird's Basketball Jesus then he will spend his summer working tirelessly on his jumper, as both Jordan and Bryant did before him. Required summer reading should include Bird's "Drive," for how to be a competitive asshole, Bo's "Bo Knows Bo" for Buddhist riddles such as "When I die I want to come back as an F-16" (Bo, Bo, that should be If and not When) and, of course, Frownie's yoga posts. For a title in Northeast Ohio aka The Heart of the Heart of It All, is most assuredly within reach before Jay-Z swoops in with that 40/40 Club loochi for a marquee 2010 debut as a Newark Net (Brooklyn's a bigger pipe dream than one of Mario and Luigi's acid trips). As often as the Cavalier supporting cast is derided, they were still just one errant loose ball or one-more big Bron basket from a Rolling Bones rematch. Bron needs to work on his jumper, fershure, but, like Harold Melvin without the Blue Notes, he'll never go platinum without 'em.

Ed's. note: We're taking the Celtics to win their series with Detroit because of Ubuntu, because they've already taken out the best player in the league, and because David Stern wants them to win. The Pick Celtics -150 over Detroit Pistons to win the series.

Are You There God? It's Me, Frownie

No. No we are not enjoying this Cavs/Celtics series. With every step LeBron takes up or down the court, we feel his pain acutely, even if he doesn’t. If we could bet on this, we would bet that LeBron is taking frequent Varsity Blues-style pain-killer shots before, during, and maybe after these games. Part of us can hardly blame him. He’s a competitor, a warrior, he knows he’s the best player in the game, and nobody is going to convince him that he can't and won’t lead the Cavs to victory in any given game. With this mindset, it is easier for him than it is for us to overlook the long term damage that he’s doing to himself. We hope we’re wrong, and we wish that we could talk ourselves out of this, but we can’t. We realize that LeBron has played some excellent ball in this series, and has made some explosive plays. But the fact that he is doing this is only a testament to his otherworldly talent, not his health, which continues to deteriorate before our eyes. He is almost lumbering down the court at times, and wears a near constant wince on his face. The fact that he’s horse-collared out of mid air by the opposing team at least 5 times per game doesn't help, and even lends an air of quixotic absurdity to his efforts. It is killing us. We want it to stop. The Pistons next round? And then the Lakers? Put the needle away LeBron. It’s not worth it. Get healthy. You have a long career in front of you. Choose life.

So today we pray to the Basketball Goddz to spare us another Pyrrhic victory and let our guys go home. And, since we’ve come this far, broken, bloodied, and bruised, we’re going to see it all the way through and put our money where our prayers are: The pick: Celtics -8 over the Cavs.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 6 Preview, and A Major Award

We wrote before Game 5 on Wednesday that while folks expected the Game 5 LeBron magic that we've grown accustomed to, LeBron did not have it in him, physically, to get it done. We were right. LeBron busted out of the gates with 23 first half points, but was ineffective in the second half. Folks who want to credit the Celtics defense for this are giving the Celtics defense too much credit. LeBron is hurt. And his hurt back is even going to his head. He's forgetting to tip waiters at his favorite restaurants, which embarrasses all of us Clevelanders. The boy needs rest.

So now David Stern turns his attention to the next round, where his Celtics must get over the Detroit Pistons in the next round to arrive at Stern's wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest. Stern knows it will be no easy task for the Boston to get over the Stones, and we don't expect he's taking any chances with this one. To get the Celtics some extra rest, he'll call in the zebras tonight in Cleveland. We're picking another Celtics victory tonight. We're not even sad about it. The state of LeBron's health right now is such that a Cavs victory would be phyrric. We'll be launching our "he better not play in the Olympics" campaign next week. The Pick: Celtics +2.5 over Our Broken Cavs.

Finally -- if anyone doubts just how powerful the forces are that are behind the impending Stern wet-dream Lakers/Celtics media schlob-fest, consider again the free pass that Kevin Garnett has received for pounding his chest and screaming "f*cking f*ggots" to the Cleveland crowd, all captured in slow motion on TNT. Compare this to the treatment that our own Brady Quinn received from major media outlets when he was alleged to use an anti-gay slur in a fight outside of a bar in Columbus this winter. This wasn't even captured on camera, let alone broadcast in slow-motion to millions. Try this google search, "Kevin Garnett anti-gay slur." Our Wednesday post about this issue is the number one result, with no other major media coverage of this story anywhere in sight. Try "Kevin Garnett gay slur" The results are even more remarkable. Cleveland Frowns is the third result, and the first two are stories about the ALLEGED Brady Quinn incident. We will write more about the disparate treatment these two incidents have received in the media in a later post, but for now, we wonder: are we missing something? To find out, we'll send a Major Award, aka a $50 money order, to the first Cleveland Frowns reader who can direct our attention to coverage of this issue in a major American publication this week. We'll define major loosely, as a publication that appears to be more "major" than the site of our friends at Waiting for Next Year. Email us at clevelandfrowns@gmail.com with your results. Happy hunting!

Cavs vs. Celtics: Game 5 Preview

Before we get to talking about tonight's game, we want to express our shock at the lack of reporting/public outcry about the fact that media darling Kevin Garnett shouted an anti-gay slur (f*cking f*gg*ts) at the Cleveland crowd during game four. This was picked up by and broadcast in slo-mo by the TNT crew, as you can see in the above video. While this has been discussed on some local blogs, there has been nothing on ESPN about Garnett's hateful use of the word, and a Google searches using terms like "Kevin Garnett" "slur" "gay" "anti-gay" and "f-ggot" turn up no major media stories about this incident. We're awfully curious as to why this is the case, but it is consistent with the general media fawning over Garnett and this Celtics team, and only reinforces our conspiracy theories about David Stern and his plans for an untainted Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals.

As for tonight's game: The last two games have shown that the Celtics have bigger problems than most people anticipated (excellent piece by Bill Simmons today about that), and that LeBron's supporting cast is better than they've been given credit for. The big trade for Ben Wallace, Wally Sczerbiak, Joe Smith, and Delonte West is paying big dividends, with all four players making tremendous contributions in Game 3 and 4. Now the Cavs have the momentum going into game five in Boston tonight, in a round 2 where road teams are 1-17. Cavs expert Brian Windhorst reminds us that the Cavs have been here before, and this is where LeBron has been at his best, having led the team to victory in Detroit in the exact same situation in each of the last two years.

But in both of these games, LeBron has, quite literally, carried the team on his back. As Cleveland Frowns readers well know, we don't think he has it in him, physically, to do that tonight. Despite his well-rounded performance, and his jaw dropping dunk on Monday night, LeBron's scoring output is significantly down, he's still shooting well below 30% for the series, and, with rare exceptions, is not moving with the same force and speed that we're accustomed to seeing. We're going to keep hedging, and stick with the Celtics, and will of course be pleasantly surprised if our pick is wrong. The Pick: Celtics -9 over Our Cavs.

Cavs vs. Celtics Game 4 Preview

We think that the above photo from Game 3 says it all about how LeBron is feeling these days. He shot 5-16 from the floor on Saturday putting up a total of 21 points. The rest of the Cavs shot 32-54 (59%) to lead the Cavs to victory. According to CBSSports.com, "James' 22.4 percent field goal percentage in the first three games is the worst of any three-game stretch in playoff history since the 1977-78 ABA-NBA merger."

It would be amazing if the rest of the Cavs could carry LeBron to another win against the Celtics tonight in Game 4. We don't think it's likely, and since our hedging strategy worked so well on Saturday, we'll do the same thing tonight. The pick: Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.

Western Conference Semifinals Game 2: All Jazz Hands On Deck

We received the following insulting email this afternoon from the folks at Sportsbook.com:

"Hi [Cleveland Frowns],

Here's Sportsbook.com's Game of the Day:
The Lakers are peaking at the perfect time as they have won 13 out of their last 14 games straight up while covering their last seven games. Their average margin of victory in those seven covers was an impressive 15.4 points. In fact, out of those seven games, only one opponent was able to keep the final score within single digits. Utah, on the other hand, is just 1-4 against the spread in their last five games. Finally, the three times they visited the Lakers this season, Utah lost by double digits each time. Considering the intel above, it’s hard to blame the 79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers (-7).

Regards,

The Sportsbook.com Team"

Regards? More like reTards. As best we can tell this email tells us that the Lakers are on a good streak, and the Jazz are on a bad one. Only someone who is retarded would consider this information to be “intel.” And if this is all the info that the “79% of the early bettors pounding the Lakers -7” are going on then we can, in fact, blame them. We can blame them for BWR -- betting while retarded. This intel-insulting message from Sportsbook.com gives us reason enough to take the Jazz and the points tonight, but we probably would have anyway. We’re still mad about Kobe’s MVP award, and the Jazz looked good to us on Sunday even though they lost by 11. Deron Williams was all over the place, demonstrating his dopeness and consistently setting his teammates up with wide open looks which they consistently clanked off the iron. We expect them to hit more of these wide open shots tonight. Plus, now Kobe has his stupid award, so the Heisman effect will be more likely to have kicked in by now. Our attitude toward the “79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers” is aptly demonstrated in the above photo of Utah forward Andrei “I Must Break You” Kirilenko. The pick: Utah Jazz +7 over L.A. Lakers.

Update -- 5/8/08-- 7:36 AM: The NBA obviously really wants to see the Lakers in the NBA Finals. We thought we didn't have to worry about this after the Tim Donaghy scandal last year, but the refs were all over the Jazz last night, who were whistled for ten more fouls than the Lakers, and more importantly, shot only 16 free throws to the Lakers' 43. If the refs had it in for a team (like we think they do for Utah), they'd have to be careful to call enough fouls on the other team so that things wouldn't be too suspicious. They'd try to call these fouls against their favored team when these fouls wouldn't matter. There were more than a few times when Utah would pull down a defensive rebound and the refs would whistle the Lakers on a ticky-tack foul, giving the Jazz the ball out of bounds, when they already had the ball and a fresh shot clock anyway. These fouls are inconsequential to the outcome of the game. Phil Jackson himself even noticed the inconsistency of the refs, complaining publicly after game 1, saying: "It's a very uneven refereed ballgame. You know, they're calling little fouls one place and not fouls the other. It makes it very difficult to play a good, emotional game. So, that's tough. " This is exactly what the refs were doing, but we think they were doing so to create an advantage for the Lakers, who shot 16 more free throws than the Jazz in Game 1.

We still think that the Jazz look like a better team than the Lakers, but the refs are simply not letting them play their game. Two Utah starters have fouled out in each of the two games, and Utah star Carlos Boozer sat for most of the first half last night with foul trouble. Conspiracy theory? Excuse? Perhaps. But we can't deny what we see out there. And the free throw numbers don't lie. Plus, there is a lot of money to be made with a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. If markets are efficient, we have to be suspicious. David Stern was interviewed at halftime of last night's game and couldn't help himself, gushing like a schoolgirl about the turnaround seasons of the Lakers and Celtics, saying that these two teams "give hope" to the fans of other NBA teams. Nonsense. With the way this Lakers/Jazz series is playing out, it's precisely the opposite.

One last note: We're not blind to the possibility that the Jazz might be being punished by the Basketball Goddz for this. Yikes.

Update -- 5/7/08 -- 1:26 PM: We're not the only conspiracy theorists out there. T.J. Simers has this to say in today's LA Times:

"NBA Commissioner David Stern stopped by the press room before the game and said he had just met with the referees, I presume to remind them how excited he is about the upcoming Boston-L.A. Finals.

For some reason when this game started, the refs called four fouls on Utah, none on the Lakers, and then tagged Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan with a technical foul.No need to make it so obvious, guys.If Stern is worried about a Lakers-Celtics matchup, he ought to be spending most of his time with Boston. . . .

Utah shot the ball well early, but once the referees got into the game, it began to tip toward the Lakers. No doubt Tim Donaghy would have bet as much.Stern's crew took Utah's best player, Carlos Boozer, out of the game with a pair of first-quarter fouls, and then added another 19 seconds after he returned to start the second quarter. Boozer finished the half with no points, the refs doing the best job of defense on Boozer in the NBA this season.

Bryant also picked up two fouls, but his second came with the Lakers up by 15 with less than 30 seconds left in the first quarter and Bryant probably headed to the bench anyway for a rest.Final first-half stats, the Lakers making 15 of 19 free throws, the Jazz going four for six from the line and Stern being treated to a 14-point Lakers advantage.

The Lakers had 27 free-throw attempts, Utah eight after three quarters, and the Jazz still managed to keep it close. But that's the NBA for you, every game seemingly arranged so it will somehow remain close going into the final two minutes -- like that really happens.The Lakers won, Bryant got his Podoloff, and all in all, a good night for Stern and the NBA."

These are facts.

Note: We expressly disavow Simers' statements in his piece about Kobe's MVP award.

Magic Stones Game 2 Pick

After sitting for a few extra days upon easily disposing of the Toronto Raptors in 5 games, we expected the Orlando Magic to come out rusty in Game 1 of their series with Detroit. We like their chances to right the ship tonight in Game 2. The Magic rely on the 3-point shot, but only made two on Saturday; their lowest output of the year. Magic star Dwight Howard only scored 12 points, to go with 6 rebounds and no blocks -- his lowest output of the postseason by far. We’ll chalk this up to the long layoff and opening night jitters. While the Magic played Detroit close through the first three quarters, they never found their rhythm. In keeping with our series play, we think that things can only get better for the Magic tonight. Plus, the Pistons are running their mouths, which is dumb. We’ll join the 27% of Game 2 players at Sportsbook.com who are taking the points tonight. The pick: Orlando Magic +6.5 over Detroit Pistons.

Update - 5/6/08 -8:43 AM: The Magic's 100-93 loss was what we call in the business "a bad beat" for those who took the points last night. Dwight Howard was vastly improved last night, pulling down 22 points and 28 boards, and the Magic were knocking down their threes (11-26). Down by 2 with roughly 30 seconds left in the game it looked like they had the cover locked up, but they couldn't make a play in those last 30 seconds and the Pistons hit all of their free throws to finish ahead by 7. Making matters worse, the referees mishandled a clock malfunction by allowing a Chauncey Billups' three-pointer at the end of the third period to stand, even though replays showed that it should have been disallowed. A bad beat. The last thing we'll say is that as Magic backers, we'd rather see the ball in Hedo Turkoglu's hands instead of Rashard Lewis's at the end of a game. We'll be back later this afternoon with a look at tonight's NBA action.

LeBron Robbed; Kobe to Win MVP; Cleveland Frowns Throws Up Jazz Hands

So it looks like Kobe Bryant is our 2007-2008 NBA MVP. Kobe is our MVP even though LeBron joined Oscar Robertson and Michael Jordan this season to become the third man in NBA history to average at least 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists per game. This is so beyond dumb that it’s hard for us to get worked up about it. By every measure LeBron James is having a better season than Kobe, and I don’t think it can be questioned that the if the two players switched teams, the Lakers would be better, and the Cavs would be worse. (Would any Cavs fan trade LeBron for Kobe? No.) Anyone who wants to argue this point must explain why LeBron has elevated his Playoff game in each year of his career and was able to singlehandedly lead the Cavs to the NBA Finals last season, while Kobe has struggled to lead a stronger supporting cast to a .500 record for the last three seasons without making a peep in the playoffs. Kobe proponents point to the Lakers better record in a better conference. Kelly Dwyer, in two excellent posts at Yahoo Sports about why LeBron should be MVP, responds well to these dummies:

“[Kobe] shouldn't be handed an MVP just because Andrew Bynum can ball now and the Grizzlies decided to hand the Lakers Pau Gasol. Meanwhile, James is just destroying people in Cleveland. Pulling in more rebounds on a team that owns the boards even without him (there's not a lot of stray rebounds to go around) and racking up assists on a team that can't shoot straight (44.1 percent, 24th in the NBA).

And yet, those who still consider Bryant to be having the better season than LeBron have no issue overlooking the fact that Bryant scores less, shoots worse, rebounds worse, assists worse, and plays on a team that averages fewer possessions than James' team. To them, Kobe's better because ... well, he just is.

The, "LeBron plays in the East!" cry is getting a little old. LBJ averages 29.8 points, 47.4 percent shooting, 7.1 assists, and 7.9 rebounds against Western teams. When James plays, the Cavs are 16-11 against the West. Kobe averages 29.7 points, 48.8 percent shooting, 6.5 boards, and 5.4 assists (again, in games with more possessions) against the West -- awesome -- but for some reason lets his averages go to relative pot against the East. You'd think it'd be because of the Lakers blowing Eastern teams out, but Kobe actually averages more minutes per game against Eastern squads than against Western outfits, and contributes less. Weird.

Worse, James is going to get burned by voters who will credit him for MVPs likely won from 2009-2019 and hand it to Kobe just because he's playing "unselfish" basketball."

LeBron dominates while carrying a bad team on his back, putting up better stats than Kobe in all major categories. He's nearly averaging a triple double in the playoffs, while playing with a bad back. Kobe is less productive on a better team. Kobe’s award makes clear that the NBA MVP award has become a lifetime achievement award like the kind that they hand out at the Oscars or Grammys. Dumb dumb dumb.

The least we can do about this injustice is make a play on the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semifinals. We’re not crazy about Utah; we’re concerned with Carlos Boozer’s poor play against Houston in the first round (and with the fact that he is a traitor), we’re pretty sure that the Lakers have a deeper bench; and we know that the NBA is salivating over the prospect of a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. But even aside from Kobe’s stupid award, these Lakers just don’t appeal to our BrownsTown sensibilities. We think that Kobe’s MVP award might have the same effect on him that the Heisman trophy has on college players playing in big bowl games. Plus, Utah’s Deron Williams is dope, we’d take Mehmet Okur in a knife fight over anyone on the Lakers roster, and, perhaps most importantly, don’t f*ck with Jerry Sloan. Finally, this play goes well with yesterday’s series play on the Magic because the Jazz are 3 to 1 underdogs, which means that we’d come out substantially ahead even if these two plays split. All reason enough to wave our Jazz hands. The pick: Utah Jazz +300/100 over the Lakers to win the series.

Update: 5/4/08, 3:43 PM --

Bring Out the Magic Stones!

Ours are out, and they're telling us that the Orlando Magic are an excellent play to beat the Detroit Pistons (the 'Stones) in the Eastern Conference Semifinals series that starts tonight in Detroit.

Any good Cleveland sports fan who's been around the block knows that the NBA Playoffs are where new blood comes to a boil. We saw it with LeBron last season, and it reminded us an awful lot of when the then-upstart Bulls sent our Daugherty, Price, Nance, Hot Rod and company packing in the 1989 Conference Finals. We think that the Pistons are a prime candidate for a scalding once again this year. Magic star Dwight Howard averaged 22.6 points, 18.2 rebounds and 3.8 blocks in Orlando's 4-1 series win over the Raptors. The former first overall draft pick has developed into a legitimate superstar. If you had to pick one guy to start a franchise with right now, he'd almost certainly be your number two pick behind LeBron. Hedo Turkoglu, Rashard Lewis, and Jameer Nelson provide a solid supporting cast for Howard. If we can't say for certain that this year's playoffs is Howard's time to shine, we can say that it's damn near close enough to make the Magic an easy pick as 2.5 to 1 underdogs. To clarify, a play of 100 magic stones on Orlando would net you a profit of 250 if they come through.


The Magic and Stones split their regular season series, with each team winning a close game, and a blowout. Detroit swept Orlando in the first round of last year's playoffs, but that was a different Magic team, which didn't have it's second and third leading scorers, Turkoglu and Lewis (who can both play like stars on any given night). Moreover, the experience from last year can only help the Howard and the Magic in this year's series.

We think that Magic coach Stan Van Gundy was trying to complement the Pistons when he recently called them basketball's version of the Atlanta Braves. We think the comparison is particularly apt because, despite all of their regular season success, the Braves have been bounced from the early rounds of the Playoffs in every season in recent memory. Being a team of veteran professionals who know how to endure the grind of the regular season and show up day after day is one thing. As the Pistons learned from LeBron last year, the playoffs are something different. We think the creaky-legged Pistons know this deep down, and will settle well into the role of washed up playoff losers. The Pick: Orlando Magic +240 /100 over Detroit Pistons to win the series.

Soulja Boy Gets Over on King in Bullsh*t NBA Playoff Feud

By now many of you have seen this video or have heard Jay-Z’s new anti-DeShawn Stevenson diss track “Blow the Whistle.” While the video contains some excellent highlights - showing how thoroughly LeBron dominates the Wizards in the Playoffs - this track, and Jay-Zs involvement in this “bullsh*t NBA Playoff feud,” serves only to embarrass LeBron and (especially) Jay, and unnecessarily elevates the status of DeShawn “Soulja Boy” Stevenson. In sum, if you’re DeShawn Stevenson, you call LeBron “overrated,” LeBron responds, and Jay-Z makes a track about it, you’ve already won, no matter who wins the basketball games.

To illustrate how dumb this whole thing makes Jay and LeBron look, consider the track’s inconsistency with LeBron’s initial reaction to Stevenson’s comments:

“With DeShawn Stevenson it is kind of funny. [For LeBron to respond would be] like Jay-Z saying something bad about Soulja Boy. There’s no comparison. Enough said.”

Enough said. Right. Which is why, when your pal Jay-Z makes a track about it, you only demonstrate that Stevenson actually did get under your skin, giving him underdog status, and making him easier to root for.

To make this all much worse, the lyrics of the track are painfully dumb themselves. First, there’s:

“So big we ain’t gotta respond.” Yes Jay, you’ve certainly demonstrated that.

Then there’s: “Hatin’ is only gonna make him (LeBron) spend a night out of spite with the chick you’ve (Stevenson) been datin.”

Attaboy Jay. Way to make things easier on LeBron at home. Wonder what LeBron’s baby momma Savannah Brinson thinks about all of this, or with LeBron’s relationship with Jay generally. One thing is certain, Tim Duncan would never get himself wrapped up in this kind of bullsh*t. Tim Duncan has four championships.

Finally, there’s this from Jay, about himself: “Don’t compare me with nobody. I’d rather not be mentioned. I’m offended.”

First, it’s unclear who he’s addressing here because it was LeBron who first mentioned his name in this feud. Second, he’s obviously lying. If he truly didn’t want to be mentioned, he wouldn’t have cut this track. Jay is clearly enjoying himself here.

If anyone can find even one decent line in this track, please direct our attention to it in the comments.

We agree with Rob Harvilla of the Village Voice, who, in this excellently titled piece, explains that “Jay-Z is probably siding with LeBron here because he aims to woo the guy from Cleveland to Brooklyn in a couple years, just in time to join the relocated Nets, who will play in a fancy new arena.” We know that LeBron looks up to Jay-Z as a mentor. This episode should cause LeBron to question that relationship. What kind of mentor, out of obvious self interest, inserts himself into and escalates a silly dispute in which his mentee is involved, embarrassing himself and his mentee in the process? If anything, this whole episode should show LeBron that it would be a bad move for him to leave the Cavs to become further wrapped up in bullsh*t like this. To show how desperate Jay is here, consider the inconsistency of this episode with his own earlier, wiser words, from one of the greatest hip-hop diss tracks of all time, The Takeover:

“A wise man told me don’t argue with fools. Cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who.”