Mr. Bubble Goes Pop?

With the basketballs out of the way, we’re free to focus on more important things, like NFL training camp. To that end, let's drop in on burly ex-Buckeye and New York Jets first round pick Vernon Gholston. According to this recent New York Post report, he's behind most other rookies in learning the Xs and Os due to Ohio State's late graduation date, and an NFL/NCAA rule that prohibits rookies from participating in training camp until their class graduates.

Jet's coach Eric Mangini is unsympathetic: "It's not his fault that he couldn't be here, but it's not like he was getting his master's . . . He had plenty of free time. In between 'Judge Judy' and what is it, 'Days of Our Lives,' whatever is on during the daytime, you can study. There are enough hours in the day regardless of how many curls you're going to do."

We think that the Mangenius touches on something important with that last comment about curls, as does Jets safety Kerry Rhodes, who astutely observes about Gholston that, “he’s a big dude.” Indeed. We wonder how he can even move through all of that muscle. We can’t remember ever seeing a rookie enter the NFL looking as muscle-bound as Gholston. We don't think that this portends well for his NFL future.

We generally like Gholston, based on what we read about him. Word is, he’s a good kid. And whether or not he’s used steroids, he obviously has a strong work ethic. While we wish Vernon the best, we’re afraid that his hard work on his body has been largely misplaced. This is because he looks like the prototypical product of an American athletic training culture that grossly overemphasizes a build-up of the muscular system at the expense of all of the other human body systems -- skeletal, circulatory, nervous, all of them. This starts in high school, where the athletic training of football teams is focused almost entirely on lifting weights and running, with little to no attention paid to the underlying structure that holds the muscles together. A little bend over and (try to) touch your toes, maybe a few jumping jacks, then hit the weights, kid. This is why there’s more snap, crackle and pop in American football training camps than in a bowl of Rice Krispies. Take a look at the NFL injured lists in August and you’ll see.

Yet this culture prevails, despite the fact that it might take years of focused exercise, say yoga practice, for example, for one to achieve the alignment of the arms, legs, and spine that is necessary for optimal health. Binding one’s self with one’s muscles moves one in exactly the wrong direction here. Leaving aside the lack of mobility and the resulting risk of long term back problems, how long before one of Gholston’s tendons or ligaments snaps under the pressure of all of that beef? Our guess is not very long. This is why we’ll be shocked if Gholston makes it through his first season or two in the NFL without losing a significant amount of time to a major injury. LeCharles Bentley, Kellen Winslow, and Braylon Edwards are recent local examples of this ligament-snapping phenomenon, and these gents weren't nearly as overloaded as young Gholston.

One might suggest that becoming bound with muscle and the attendant injury risk is the price of success in the National Football League. But young folk in Ohio and elsewhere who want to get in good shape to play football might look at the divergent examples of two recent Ohio college football stars as proof that this is not the case. Miami Dolphins defensive lineman, perennial Pro-Bowler, 2006 NFL Defensive Player of the Year, and Dancing with the Stars Finalist Jason Taylor (pictured at left, too sexy for his shirt) provides convincing proof that a musclebound physique is not required to achieve NFL greatness, even in the trenches. In fact, Taylors lithe physique likely contributes to his success.


And surely we remember the last former Buckeye to get carried away with building his musculature. Ease up on the iron kids. Choose life.

Lemonade: So Bitter. So Sweet.

We realize that it doesn’t take much, but our minds are absolutely blown by the fact that nobody is suggesting that LeBron’s singularly un-LeBron like poor performance in the first two games of this playoff series against the Boston Celtics is due to a back injury. LeBron sat out a number of games at the end of the season because his back was hurting. As we’ve written/proselytized at length, back problems are serious, and anyone with feet aligned as LeBron’s are would be susceptible to back problems. If his back was hurting at the end of the season, why would it be hurting any less now? After more basketball games? After playoff basketball games? Against Soulja Boy? Despite what the dummies that are paid to write about our Cavs are writing, it’s no mystery why LeBron is playing so badly against the Celtics. His back hurts. He would not be playing like this if he was not hurt. The Celtics are not the Spurs. That this is apparently not obvious goes a long way toward explaining why the Cavs are favored to win tonight. We also understand that LeBron has Juice (JUICE), especially in front of the home crowd, and people rightly believe in him. We also suppose that Cavs backers are also encouraged by the fact that all three of the other Conference Semifinalists in this year’s playoffs won and covered after returning home in their respective series in 0-2 holes. It’s true. When people make bad picks those bad picks are usually based on bad reasons. In view of LeBron’s back problems, the above mentioned are all bad reasons to take the Cavs tonight. 60% of the players are playing the Cavs here. Reee-markable.

Maybe the Cavs will win tonight, but we can’t see any good reasons why we should put our Magic Stones on them. We’re pretty sure that the sooner this season ends the better. LeBron needs rest. Let’s not get down about this sweep, Brownstowners. It should be good for LeBron, and therefore good for us, in the long term. Let’s take these playoff lemons that have been thrown at us and turn them into some lemonade. Let’s take the Celts tonight. Even if we lose, we win. The pick: Boston Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.

Greek Easter at the Jake: Holiday Bonus Pick

Of course, the principles applied in our analysis of Friday night's game in Friday's post are generally applicable to the entire series between the Tribe and the Yankees in Cleveland this weekend. It was Tribe time again today at the Jake with a walk-off bases loaded single by Victor Martinez sealing a 4-3 win for the good guys with the bad logo. After a slow start, the Tribe is now 12-12 with today’s victory bringing their winning streak to five games. This streak might be the start of one of the sustained good runs that we’ve become accustomed to seeing from the Tribe over the last few years. It feels like one of those weekends at the Jake, with the home team feeding off a crowd that’s energized by the winning streak and the presence of the overblown and overpaid Yankees. And the Indians aren’t the only ones on a five game winning streak. Despite our concern over big C.C., we’ll join forces with the home team to see if we can’t both extend our streaks to six, together. The pick: Cleveland Indians at 105/100.

Also, we have mixed feelings about the name of the ballpark changing from "Jacobs" to “Progressive" Field. We like Progressive as a company -- our friends who work there tell us that it's a good place to work. We also like that the ballpark's named after a good company that's headquartered in Cleveland and employs a lot of people here, and that the Tribe will collect some millions of dollars for the naming privileges. But "the Pro," "Pro-Field," and everything else we've heard or could think of all sound dumb so we’ll keep calling it “the Jake” for short until someone comes up with something better.

UPDATE: One hour before game time at the Jake and 85% of the point spread action and 67% of the money line action at sportsbook.com is on the Yankees. I don't get it. The below photo of Joba Chamberlain says it all about the Yanks at the Jake these days. My favorite thing about the photo is that Joba is choking on fruit flies at the same time he is choking away the ballgame, and the series. The expression on his face clearly reflects all three ways in which he's choking. We wish we were at the Jake today. Also, we don't care much if the Cavs lose today because part of us wants LeBron to go home, rest his back, and go see a yoga expert.

Salty Saturday

The weather has been beautiful this week and we’re still salty. The curse of Chief Wahoo is really wrecking sh*t these days.

The Tribe is now 5-9 after dropping two straight to Boston in the ninth inning. Oh, by the way, hope you didn’t want to see Boston play in Cleveland any more this season, because after that two game series this week, they won’t be back 2009. That’s right. Our old American League rival, and last year’s opponent in the ALCS only plays in Cleveland twice this season, in April. The outdoor temperature in these games ranged from between 25 and 50 degrees. The San Diego Padres play more games in Cleveland this year than the Red Sox do. So FOX can make more money on Red Sox/Yankees and Yankees/Mets? Retarded. Oh, and hope you’re not busy next weekend if you wanted to catch the Yankees this year. They won’t be back until next season either. Retarded. Just like our retarded muscle-bound closer who finally figured out that his triceps hurt after Manny took him deep in the ninth on Monday. You pitch baseballs for a living. You are wrecking your bones, joints, and ligaments by lifting weights and that is why you can’t throw. Dummy. We will ask again. Who the f*ck is training these guys?

On to the Cavs, who are in even worse shape, as they head into a postseason that has disaster written all over it. The options appear to be twofold: First there is the potential epic embarrassment of going down to the Wizards who will be bloodthirsty for revenge after being bounced from the playoffs by Cavs in each of the last two seasons. With LeBron’s bad back, the Wizards’ chances are better than ever. The thought of Deshawn “Soulja Boy” Stevenson getting over on the King makes us cringe. What’s worse is that LeBron is likely to do whatever it takes to prevent that from happening, and is liable to cause serious long term damage in the process. We said before LeBron’s back injury surfaced, that his duck-toed gait was a recipe for future long term back problems. These back issues are likely much more serious than LeBron realizes.

And the Browns have three Monday night games next season. This is bullsh*t. Football is for Sundays. Monday nights are for sleeping. Sometimes the Monday night games last until 1am. That f*cks up the whole week. And the Monday night announcers suck.

Finally, and worst of all, it looks like the Curse of Wahoo has spread to New York, probably due to our affiliation with Shea Hey. Has anything sadder than this happened at a ballpark recently? Ever? F*ck.

We’re going to the game tonight so we'll make a pick. Since Sabathia is pitching tonight, we’re taking the over. 87% of the bettors at Sportsbook.com like the under. These dummies obviously don’t understand what a mess big CC is this year. We do. The pick: Indians and Tigers OVER 9.5.


Also, if you think we care that it's not Saturday you are dumber than Borowski.

Frownie Bytes

I agree with loyal Cleveland Frowns reader Big Dood, who said, “I think you’re due for a sports post now.” Currently in the works is an essay on why Roger Clemens is the most sympathetic figure in sports today. The piece will be titled “You Would Too” as in when Biggie Smalls said “you should too, if you knew, what this game would do to you.” Until then, some thoughts on the recent trades and free agent signings by the Browns and Cavs:

It was a busy week for the Browns, who signed quarterback Derek Anderson to a three-year deal and former Patriots receiver Donte Stallworth for seven years, and added defensive linemen Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams via a pair of trades. These moves in total demonstrate that GM Phil Savage knows that football teams win by controlling the line of scrimmage. As Marla Ridenour points out in today’s Beacon Journal, the Browns realized terrific results with last season’s offensive line upgrade, and hope for the same on the other side of the ball in 2008. Savage candidly proclaimed that Rogers and Williams will help the Browns more than any of the defensive linemen likely to be available with the draft picks that the Browns traded away. Time will tell if he is correct, but at the very least, both of the new defensive linemen will help some; as their performance for their previous teams was by all accounts better than any the Browns received from anyone on their d-line last season.

The primary area of concern with the new linemen is with Rogers’ character. According to Ridenour, Rogers has tremendous physical ability, but “his attitude, consistency and conditioning have often been questioned. He never speaks to the media. He once jokingly said at the Lions' complex, 'Cut me. I'm a cancer.' Last June, he allegedly groped a woman at a strip club. He served a four-game league suspension in 2006 for taking a banned dietary supplement and underwent knee surgery.” We have reason to be optimistic that Rogers won’t be nearly as much trouble in Cleveland. As Coach Romeo Crennel points out, “a lot of people need motivation to be at their best, and that’s part of coaching.” Further, the tone of any organization is set at the top. It can be argued that the Lions have the most incompetent managers of any team in recent NFL history, and that a change of scenery and better leadership in Cleveland will provide Rogers an environment in which he is more likely to settle down off the field, and thrive on it.

That the Browns did not overcommit to Derek Anderson further demonstrates that Savage understands the tremendous influence that the guys in the trenches have on the performance of the skill position players. A three year deal with $10 million guaranteed for Anderson is eminently reasonable and is nowhere close to the ridiculous deals like Matt Schaub’s that Anderson was pointing to as comparable to what he deserved. This gives Quinn another year to develop as an NFL quarterback, provides the Browns security in case of an injury, and creates a healthy competition for the Browns starting job. Anderson is no dummy. He almost certainly could have signed a longer term deal with more money elsewhere, but wherever he landed he was highly unlikely to end up on a team with as much offensive talent as the Browns. If he were to end up on another team it might easily have been proven that Anderson is much closer to a mediocre quarterback than a Pro Bowl quarterback. Of course, people can change. There’s a chance that Anderson gets hungry, realizes what’s at stake and what’s at his disposal, and elevates his game to another level next season. In any event, with Anderson and Quinn, the Browns are surely stronger at the quarterback position than they would have been with Quinn and whoever would have replaced Anderson.

One commentator has noted that the Anderson signing leaves the Browns with “one paranoid starter and one sulking backup,” a situation that could “throw a wrench” into the Browns ascent. But this signing will only play out in a negative way if the Browns are indecisive as to the results of what should be a healthy competition between the two quarterbacks. One last thing to consider regarding Anderson is that Savage likely realizes that Anderson’s value is generally overinflated, and for this reason is a trading chip that is more valuable than the late first and third round picks that the Browns would have received if they lost him in free agency. The Browns can get more for Anderson now that he’s signed to a relatively inexpensive three-year deal.

Donte Stallworth is a first-round talent with 1,000+ yard potential, and, coupled with Braylon Edwards gives the Browns a pair of deep threats who could end up in the end zone on any given play. Joe Jurevicius is a solid possession receiver, but does not have Stallworth’s game breaking potential. The concern with Stallworth is injury risk.

On the subject of injury risk, we’ll have to be patient in evaluating last week’s Cavs trade because injuries have kept the team from playing with all of its pieces in place. In addition to Ilgauskas and Boobie Gibson, who are both currently out with injuries, LeBron has been plagued with an ankle issue, Varejao has had problems, and Gooden and Hughes both missed significant time before being traded to the Bulls. At what point do we have to ask, who the hell is training these guys? The Cavs are one LeBron injury away from being a D-League squad, and LeBron’s duck-toed gait is a good recipe for future long term back problems. The obvious solution here is yoga. For now I will say that for all of the attention that athletes generally pay to their musculature, they pay shockingly little attention to the bones, tendons and ligaments that provide the underlying structure to this musculature. This will be a subject of a future post about Cleveland Frowns favorite, Kelvim Escobar. Stay tuned.