Columbus Day is a great American holiday

by Cleveland Frowns on October 14, 2013

“A hundred castellanoes are as easily obtained for a woman as for a farm, and it is very general and there are plenty of dealers who go about looking for girls; those from [ages] nine to ten are now in demand.”  — Christopher Columbus

—————

In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue from Europe for a place called the Indies, in search of gold, silk, spices, and mostly gold, under the flag of one of history’s more accomplished church sponsors.

But instead of finding the Indies, Columbus found a new hemisphere, populated by “the best people in the world and above all the gentlest.” According to Columbus himself, these people were “very simple and honest and exceedingly liberal with all they ha[d], none of them refusing anything he may possess when he is asked for it.” Additionally, “they exhibit[ed] great love toward all others in preference to themselves.”

So, Columbus called them Indians, and demanded that they bring him all of their gold.

wahoo

When the Indians didn’t bring Columbus as much gold as he wanted, he hacked off their body parts with swords, threw them into vats of boiling soap, and chased them to the hills with trained attack dogs. When that didn’t work either, Columbus turned them all into slaves, including, especially, girls from ages nine to ten, who would be trained early in the ways of presumable complaisance.

PC

From here, Columbus and his son Diego would become founding partners in the Trans-Atlantic African slave trade, and the United States of America was born: A nation in need of a pastime.

Hundreds of years later, this great tradition is honored in the great city of Cleveland, Ohio by the Cleveland Indians Major League Baseball club, and its logo, Chief Wahoo, which is never ever going anywhere because it is a portrait of great Indian ballplayer Louis Sockalexis, who logged 367 at-bats with the Cleveland team before ruining his career by jumping from a second-story window of a whorehouse.

And the second Monday of every October is Columbus Day, a great American holiday. Banks and post offices are closed and there is free parking downtown all day if you can get it.

  • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

    So what did everyone think about the Brownies yesterday? I was at the game with Dubby, and we marveled at how the Browns could manage to stay in the game with a -1000 replacement level quarterback. Buster Skrine played a hell of a game — they obviously tried to pick on him in the first half, and failed. But in the second half the inside linebackers, especially Robertson, were much more susceptible. Dubby and I wonder if Mingo could be put into pass coverage more frequently to fix this problem. It is really fun to watch him out there, anyway.

    • Wiseoldredbeard

      I feel like it is time to cut Brandon Weeden. Seriously. Somehow he seems to make everyone (including the defense) worse. I think we might win an extra game just by not having him in the locker room. There must be some scrappy CFL type hanging around looking to make the league minimum who understands the basic concept of throwing forward.

      On the flip side, it was nice to see Bob Costas going at the ‘Skins during his halftime piece on SNF.

      • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

        Matt Flynn signed with the Bills today, too.

      • nj0

        He’s the least fun QB the Browns v. 2.0 have ever started.

        Everyone notice how well Thad Lewis did for the Bills? I’m not crazy enough to suggest that he would make us a contender or anything like that, but I don’t get why we didn’t keep him over Jason Campbell, a guy who can’t make the field over Weeden and a 3rd stringer.

        • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

          This Browns offense can’t be less talented than the Raiders offense that Campbell looked perfectly non-terrible in for those few games in 2011 before he got hurt. I wonder if there’s anything special about this offense that Campbell has an especially hard time with. Or else they just knew Hoyer was preferable to Campbell, wanted to give Weeden one more shot (to not lose his job to injury), and now are free to start Campbell over him from here on out. Have the Browns said anything about who’s starting next week?

          • nj0

            PD had a headline saying Chud is sticking with Weeden. Didn’t read it so not sure if it’s accurate.

          • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

            I just don’t …

          • Wiseoldredbeard

            There was some muttering this morning on the radio that Campbell has refused to play after getting skipped for Hoyer. Who knows? Chud’s presser was terrible to listen to — he tried to be supportive to Weeden to keep whatever semblance of confidence he still has, but the subtext was clearly that Chud thinks the he is a turd. Gordon and Little skipped out of the locker room without interviews yesterday. I think the tides are turning further against Weeden. It is not a good sign. They need to replace him before people start missing blocks on purpose.

            I totally agree on Thad Lewis. If Campbell is out, what about starting that dude MarQueis Gray. Seriously. Tell me one Browns fan that would not be excited to see a 6’4″ 250 lbs QB that can move in the pocket? Maybe I’m crazy, but wouldn’t that be a whole lot more fun than Weeden? We all know he’s gone anyway…

          • nj0

            I can’t buy that Campbell or any QB would refuse to play/start. That’d be career suicide.

          • leftyjsf

            What about a 6’3 240 lb quarterback that has beaten the Steelers in a playoff game?

          • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

            YESSSS.

          • Wiseoldredbeard

            He signed with the Jets four days ago… Where’s Vinny Testaverde when you need him… What, too soon?

          • jpftribe

            Like.

            Perfectly non-terrible, the Browns QB paradigm.

          • acto

            Bill Nelson

      • nj0

        Oh, and my point was: I won’t be watching as long as Weeden is the QB. It just isn’t enjoyable.

        • jpftribe

          This.

          Between the Browns shitty play, those god awful announcers and piss port officiating (in that order) this was abysmal to watch.

          And what the hell is the coaching staff doing at halftime? This team has not shown up in Q3 yet this season.

          • Petefranklin

            I thought Little dragged his foot out of bounds, but they never really showed a close up. Did anyone get a real good look at it?

      • nj0

        If we cut Weeden today, does any team pick him up?

        • bupalos

          I would have said the Bills, but they nabbed Matt Flynn.

          So I think the answer is probably no, although it’s not bad to have a backup that can throw it up for grabs deep.

          • nj0

            Credit where it’s due: the Stillwater Ginger can throw it up for grabs anywhere on the field.

          • bupalos

            Safeties are less likely to crowd the box when they know there will be a ball coming to them soon if they just sag off a bit.

          • nj0

            X & O it all you want, he’ll find a way to get it to a defender.

          • dubbythe1

            Ill take this a bit further, Weeden’s batted passes have improved, not so much that he is avoiding them, but for the fact I think the D-Lines are told to not worry about it and just get after him, understanding that his passes have a high chance of being incomplete or intercepted.

          • nj0

            Less batted passes could be a result of increased use of shotgun formations too.

      • bupalos

        It’s possible that he spreads his lazy “bad things will continue to happen to me but I won’t let it bother me” attitude like a virus. Really though I’m not sure it’s any kind of esoteric psychology or anything. I think he just plays badly enough to create about 14 points of spread.

      • Steve White

        I keep saying that they should sign Tebow. How much worse could it be?

        • NeedsFoodBadly

          Weeden can actually complete more than 50% of his throws.

          Picking up a less accurate QB who requires a very narrowly constrained offensive system and brings an incredible amount of unwanted and unnecessary media scrutiny makes me want to drink Drano.

      • acto

        WORB, Weeden is going to be a superstar at Tampa Bay, or whomever else picks him up, retreads are always the best picks. Peyton “kicking everyone’s ass” Manning is a retread.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

      Damn a 10 AM start time and me being completely sober for the Weeden Experience.

      • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

        This is how a person does himself in by adhering too strictly to certain rules of polite society.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

          I’ll remember you said this as my inspiration when I’m passed out on my couch in my tighty whities at 1:00 and my kids are jumping on my head trying to get me to go to Legoland.

          • nj0

            It it was a 1:00 start would that make it okay to be passed out by 4:00?

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

            Yes, because Legoland closes at 5:00 in the fall so I don’t have to go.

          • nj0

            shrewd

          • Petefranklin

            This week it’ll be Knotts Scary Farm, open until midnight I believe.

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

            I’ll have to try that sometime. My guys are the perfect age for Legoland and it is 3 miles from my house.

      • nj0

        Two bloody marys and by the end of the first quarter (about forty minutes of Weedenball), you’ll be more than ready for your drink(s) of choice.

      • CleveLandThatILove

        Weeds is a sobering experience, so you should be good to go at Legoland.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

          I’ll keep be sure to use that as the reason why I’m berating the 5 year old that cut in front of me on the Bioncle Blaster.

      • bupalos

        I feel like Hoyer was my last chance at sobriety. Even his interceptions were complex and interesting. Weeds is like a friendly troll trying not to hurt anyone while rolling boulders through a smurf village.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

          If I’m a smurf in that village, I’m liking my chances if I know his completion percentage.

        • acto

          “Weeds is like a friendly troll trying not to hurt anyone while rolling boulders through a smurf village.”
          Bupa, I hope you intend to share those mushrooms with the rest of us.

      • acto

        How the hell can you be sober at 10:00am?
        Buy an alarm clock! Slacker.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1kbBmlAvdI PML

          I’ve adopted the laid-back California lifestyle

    • Wiseoldredbeard

      Not to go straight off the deep end here, but is there any scenario in which the Browns don’t lose four straight with Weeden at QB (at GB, at KC, home Balt, at Cinci)? And, what about with anyone else at QB? Seriously, the brain trust must be thinking this same thing. They MUST be.

      • nj0

        I’m sure we’ll eek one of those out just to ensure a draft position somewhere between #6-#10.

    • bupalos

      I think getting Mingo into coverage is the key to that pick working for us. He’s built and moves like a big safety, I sure would prefer seeing him running with TE’s than Robertson (who I’m not down on, but isn’t anything special.)

      • dubbythe1

        I wasn’t trying to bag on Robertson either, he was just so poorly out of position so many times it was agonizing.

        • mo_by_dick

          I feel comfortable bagging on Robertson, he got abused a little bit out there.

        • bupalos

          Does seem like robertson cheats. I think a good QB like Stafford can manipulate him.

    • acto

      Come on Bupa, who first called for playing Barky at safety? A great way to to promote alligator arms.

      • bupalos

        Acto it’s pretty well established that you’re not just an idiot but also a savant, so I defer in all things football and most things mundane.

        I’ve come around on Barky (though Ansah is a really nice player too) but it’s really ever more clear that they need to use a guy that unique in unique ways. I still don’t see all that much upside going 75% with that out of control speed rush off the edge. Seems to me he’d be really effective hanging off the line where he can cover and run laterally, and use his nice fat brain and redonkulous straight line speed to take delayed blitzes when the opportunity presents.

        • acto

          Well Bupa, you know I love you, but first and foremost I am an idiot!

        • NeedsFoodBadly

          Liked for “nice fat brain.”

  • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

    And of course the best of the best. http://twitpic.com/dh8b0m

    • nj0
      • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

        Yes that is the soundtrack to that gif.

        • nj0

          Really? I’m at work and don’t have sound on my computer.

          • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

            Really in that it is if we say it is.

          • nj0

            That was 50% gullibility, 50% it’s so perfect that it had to be true…

          • bupalos

            That play really was the best of the best. I’ve been waiting since he was drafted for something to outdo his combination safety-pick6 play from college. Originally I thought that this was just a run of the mill freak out, but when you break it down it’s more impressive. He has pretty good time and two OK options which he refuses. Then he actually pump fakes a good solid overhand right at obie (who would lose 4 yards on a completion. Then pump fakes at him AGAIN. Then switches his grip and turns his body for a backhand 20 yard shovel pass floater to the sideline.

            I can’t wait to see this on coaches film.

          • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

            He is trolling us. That is the only explanation for this. Brandon Weeden troll genius.

          • Wiseoldredbeard

            Does anyone else remember this from Weeden’s Q&A with Mary Kay last year:

            “Q: Life after football?

            A: I’ve got good ties with the oil and gas business. In Oklahoma, it’s booming. It always has kind of been. I’ve become close with a lot of people that are in that industry. If I was going to coach, I’d probably coach college football. But the oil and gas industry is always something I’ve found interesting.”

            This always irked me, as it seemed like he already had a foot out the door. “Look, I made few mil on baseball. I’ll make a few on football. And hey, if it doesn’t work well, I’ll just get into the O&G gig in Oklahoma and make a few more there. You know, football is fun, but it’s not everything. What I really want is to grill and relax with my wife.” Egads!

            http://www.cleveland.com/browns/index.ssf/2012/09/brandon_weeden_q_and_a_with_ma.html

          • NeedsFoodBadly

            That seems totally in line with everything that comes across in his interviews.

            I’m sure what he finds interesting about the oil and gas industry is the profits, rather than anything actually interesting.

          • Wiseoldredbeard

            Good grief reading this whole fluff session with MKC again was a bad idea.

            “Q: Do you ever dream you’re back on the mound?
            A: No, I don’t miss it as much as people would expect. The last couple of years took the fun out of it for me.”

            No wonder this guy doesn’t create a spark in the huddle. Could you imagine being some dude getting league minimum and have your QB spouting this “aw shucks, there’s always O&G” stuff. You can’t make this stuff up.

          • nj0

            Maybe one day if he works really hard at it him and Jimmy can commit fraud together?

          • nj0

            I imagine a Weeden training montage with him playing golf, eating popcorn while watching Monster Squad, wrapped up in an Ok State snuggie taking a cat nap, reading Oil & Gas Journal…. and we’ve got the soundtrack.

            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/You%27re_the_Best

          • Shadow_play

            Watching Monster Squad sounds like a great idea.

          • nj0

            You don’t become the best around by cutting corners.

          • acto

            Worb,
            1.) Do they make millions now in the minors? (I made enough to buy a 1968 Pontiac with 110,000 miles and a leaky transmission.)
            2.) Did Weeden say when he expected his football “life” to end?
            3.) Weeden may be a genius for getting into the oil and gas industry while working for a Mother Fracker.

          • nj0

            Google says Weeden got a $565K signing bonus from the Yankees.

          • acto

            I was born 20 years too early.

  • thebearchoo

    The Oatmeal did a nice little piece on Columbus a week or so ago for those who enjoy the comics…

    http://theoatmeal.com/comics/columbus_day

  • McGraw

    I’m feeling optimistic about Wahoo’s demise. Not for this year, but maybe the next. The team can trot out the ‘he’s not going anywhere line’ all it wants. He’s a goner.

    • bupalos

      Better hurry it up. They are next in line for the national stink-eye once the Washington Football Team finds Jesus…or…Glendenwitha?

  • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

    A great new account has hit the tweeters. https://twitter.com/SpidersCLE

  • Ohiakotan

    South Dakota celebrates Native American Day, not Columbus Day.

  • Bryan

    Three words: Sign Vince Young!

    Check out his career QBR. Its actually very solid. I never understood why he didn’t get one more chance. The dude is better than Weeds by a long shot.

    http://espn.go.com/nfl/player/stats/_/id/9589/vince-young

    http://espn.go.com/nfl/player/stats/_/id/14878/brandon-weeden

  • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

    Anyone see Trent Richardson drop a wide open screen pass last night that ended up setting the Colts back to 2nd and 15 instead of being the 10+ yard gain that it should have been on a potential game tying drive?

    • Shadow_play

      Lingering effects of the Cleveland Curse? or Alternately, this is the most helpful he’s been for The Browns all year. (As the more Colts lose, the better that traded pick is)

    • bupalos

      Objection. Assumes facts not in evidence. If there was a 168 lb. corner within 20 yards of him, he would have gotten 6 at best. He’d gain 4 before needing to stop and expend 2 seconds and 2 yards dealing with said corner, then wrestle the 8 guys that hop on his back and stab at his ribs for 4 additional yards.

    • Bryan

      Dude, T-Rich had a HUGE game. 4 YPC is BIG TIME for him. That is as good as it gets.

      I also enjoyed his first screen pass where he broke like 6 tackles. The only problem was that he was jumping side to side and only gained like 13 yards despite breaking all of those tackles. Classic T-Rich – mildly productive run that looks a lot more interesting because he is dancing like Barry Sanders. The poor Colts fans will over analyze that run and think it shows his talent, when in fact it shows why he will never make it – indecisive about hitting holes, dances too much, and slows down every time he is about to get hit.

      If nothing else, the T-Rich trade makes this a successful season.

      • acto

        Bryan, even though I did sneak a sip of your beer, you know I love you!

      • NeedsFoodBadly

        I live in Indianapolis – while I don’t listen to tons of sports radio, the show that I do listen to from time to time seems to have pretty measured expectations for Trent.

        They seem optimistic, but recognize he’s not a superstar. I think having Luck around makes the folks here less likely to grasp at straws.

    • acto

      Trent had Duran hands on that one. Danny “Undrafted” Woodhead played tougher and smarter.
      I am very happy that Bitshardson is gone, but I still lament the talent that could have been brought in with those two picks. (Claiborne and Russell Wilson)

  • Shadow_play

    I really wish that pieces like this would infiltrate the masses more. I always knew the falsehood of claiming that Columbus found America, and I knew that as a European he brought disease and guns to kill the natives, but I have to claim ignorance to some of the more despicable things he did. Like cutting off hands for not getting enough gold, like selling children into sex slavery, like hunting men with hungry dogs. What a disgusting man, and yet he is given an American Holiday all because of some Kinghts of Columbus lobbying.

    Here’s a piece from an ABC news blurb about the Holiday “Columbus supporters don’t deny the mixed legacy, but some of them point out that the national holiday is rooted in the notion that it serve as an opportunity to bring Italian-Americans, Native-Americans and others together.” Sounds a lot like the Cleveland Indians “Sockalexis” defense.” In that it is not accurate at all.
    Luckily my workplace doesn’t honor the Holiday, so it was just another Monday for me.

    • acto

      “and yet he is given an American Holiday all because of some Knights of Columbus lobbying.”
      The KoC also pushed to have two words added to “The Pledge of Allegiance”. Eisenhower officially had them added in 1954 allegedly to fight the commies. If you did not say those two words you were labled a commie.
      We were forced to says those two words in PUBLIC SCHOOL when I was a kid.
      I received swats and many other punishments in fourth grade for not saying those two words.
      I was a cantankerous little jackass and I may have been a commie too.
      Jim Mac, your son is learning a valuable lesson. I also received swats in 3rd grade for quoting H. L. Mencken when a teacher argued with me when I corrected her pronunciation of caribou.
      It is terrific that he has already discovered this in kindergarten.
      ” Those who can, do; those who cannot teach.”

  • http://www.eclecticworld.org/ Jim Macdonald

    For a couple years, I gave talks in Washington, DC, on Columbus Day about genocide of native peoples as it related to other current day issues (not Chief Wahoo, in my case war in Iraq and buffalo slaughter in Yellowstone National park). It is refreshing again to see this sort of essay on a Cleveland sports blog. Now, a true story …

    My son started kindergarten this year, and they’re learning all about Columbus, well, not all about Columbus – they learned the same old story about him getting lost, and the “Oh thank goodness he did.”
    Of course, I had to tell him about Columbus and slaves and the process that ended with the extermination of the entire Taino people.
    He drew his own conclusion and expressed this to his kindergarten teacher, who simply told him he was wrong. I know if he’s already facing this in kindergarten, he has a lifetime to go with it.

    And yet, the fight against Wahoo – really just the smallest of small starts in coming to terms with an ongoing genocide of native peoples (anyone who doubts it is ongoing should look at what life is like on Pine Ridge or the essential nuking of Western Shoshone peoples in Nevada) – does seem to be gaining traction. I was an adult philosophy/history double major until I learned anything about Columbus that my son hears now that I can find on a sports blog. So, maybe, there is a bit of hope. It sure beats being six and playing such ridiculous games as “Cowboys and Indians” without a second thought. Now, when Dallas plays Washington, people cringe at least a little. All too slow … but it’s something …

    • nj0

      The fact that his teacher just told him he was wrong is pretty infuriating. I can understand a desire to have a nice, clean narrative for the class as a whole, but to tell the kid who has a deeper understanding of a topic that he’s wrong is terrible. Just awful.

      If I have kids, I’m going to be such an asshole parent.

  • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns
  • p_forever

    i dunno if you saw this already frownie –

    http://www.theclevelandfan.com/cleveland-indians/5-indians-archive/11438-retiring-wahoo

    i had some fun columbus day items too, but failed to comment in time and now feel they are stale.

    cripes.

    • http://www.clevelandfrowns.com/ Cleveland Frowns

      Fun Columbus Day items never go bad. Please share.

  • nj0

    Speaking of ridiculous PDisms, Pluto posited yesterday that maybe the
    ghost of Weeden’s failed baseball career is causing all his
    on-field NFL problems.

    “It’s hard to know what impact Weeden’s baseball career has had on
    his psyche. He was a second-round pick by the Yankees and signed for
    $565,000. He had a strong arm, a 95-mph fastball. In five pro seasons,
    he was traded twice and never rose about Class A, with a career record of 19-26 with a 5.02 ERA.

    After being released, he started his football career at Oklahoma State.

    As he struggles in the NFL, does his failed pro baseball career haunt him a bit? Who knows?”

    • Wiseoldredbeard

      It certainly haunts ME in that he has already had an opportunity to realize that if he fails it doesn’t matter because he can just make a ton of money doing other stuff, and aw hell, it wasn’t as full as he thought it would be anyway…

      Onto more interesting issues, what QB are we picking next year to sit behind Hoyer? http://www.cleveland.com/browns/index.ssf/2013/10/2013_college_quarterback_repor.html

      • nj0

        Haunted by failing upwards into more money! BOO!!!

  • Petefranklin

    I like our chances with Weeden, cough cough.

  • nj0

    Not surprising factoid of the day: most of the money spent on pink NFL merch goes everywhere but to research.

    http://www.businessinsider.com/small-amount-of-money-from-pink-nfl-merchandise-goes-to-breast-cancer-research-2013-10

    • acto

      Bravo nj0!
      I spent years trying to get people to notice that all the yellow “Livestrong” crap was mostly to fund shameless self promotion of the doper boy sociopath Nance Deadwrong.
      Virtually nothing went to fund cancer research.

  • nj0
    • bupalos

      ruh-ro!

      Who would have ever thought the “lets set up a sham negotiation with ourself” wouldn’t have sold? What’s a guy have to do to get a good honest scam to work around here?!

      • nj0

        It’s like having your brother in the state house isn’t even worth anything anymore. What’s this country coming to?

  • nj0

Previous post:

Next post: