Columbus Day is a great American holiday

by Cleveland Frowns on October 13, 2014

“A hundred castellanoes are as easily obtained for a woman as for a farm, and it is very general and there are plenty of dealers who go about looking for girls; those from [ages] nine to ten are now in demand.”Christopher Columbus


In 1492, Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue from Europe for a place called the Indies, in search of gold, silk, spices, and mostly gold, under the flag of one of history’s more accomplished church sponsors.

But instead of finding the Indies, Columbus found a new hemisphere, populated by “the best people in the world and above all the gentlest.” According to Columbus himself, these people were “very simple and honest and exceedingly liberal with all they ha[d], none of them refusing anything he may possess when he is asked for it.” Additionally, “they exhibit[ed] great love toward all others in preference to themselves.”

So, Columbus called them Indians, and demanded that they bring him all of their gold.


When the Indians didn’t bring Columbus as much gold as he wanted, he hacked off their body parts with swords, threw them into vats of boiling soap, and chased them to the hills with trained attack dogs. When that didn’t work either, Columbus turned them all into slaves, including, especially, girls from ages nine to ten, who would be trained early in the ways of presumable complaisance.


From here, Columbus and his son Diego would become founding partners in the Trans-Atlantic African slave trade, and the United States of America was born: A nation in need of a pastime.

Hundreds of years later, this great tradition is honored in the city of Cleveland, Ohio by the Cleveland Indians Major League Baseball club, and its logo, Chief Wahoo, which is never ever going anywhere because it is a portrait of great Indian ballplayer Louis Sockalexis, who logged 367 at-bats with the Cleveland team before ruining his career by jumping from a second-story window of a whorehouse.

And the second Monday of every October is Columbus Day, a great American holiday. Banks and government offices are closed and parking is free all day if you can find a spot.

  • Chris Mc

    This is the version of the story that should be included in history books.

    • Cleveland Frowns

      This one, too:

      “While I was in the boat, I captured a very beautiful Carib woman, whom the said Lord Admiral gave to me. When I had taken her to my cabin she was naked—as was their custom. I was filled with a desire to take my pleasure with her and attempted to satisfy my desire. She was unwilling, and so treated me with her nails that I wished I had never begun. But—to cut a long story short—I then took a piece of rope and whipped her soundly, and she let forth such incredible screams that you would not have believed your ears. Eventually we came to such terms, I assure you, that you would have thought that she had been brought up in a school for whores.” — Columbus

      • nj0

        That’s not Columbus, but Michele da Cuneo. Not that it excuses all the other stuff.

        • Cleveland Frowns

          Right. Thanks.

  • Tom_RedRight88

    Apparently not all Italians like Christopher Columbus:

    • Cleveland Frowns

      I appreciate that Columbus Day has become a celebration of Italian heritage but there’d be many better names for such a celebration.

      This from John Oliver is pretty great: Columbus Day — How is that still a thing?

      • Tom_RedRight88

        That’s a good one; never seen it before.

  • 6thCity

    Always a bummer day, especially living in Columbus, where the irony is doubled and the shame twice as present. Are enterprising young art students still assailing the Columbus statue in Little Italy with cow’s blood? Part of me hopes they are. Here in columbus my state-lawyer wife is home and daycare is still open, so we just try and not talk about the sad and shitty reason for it.

  • bupalos

    Holy hell. And here I thought Columbus day was the day we celebrated the colonists winning their right to trade college football memorabilia for chicken wings and sweet tats.

  • MichaelTheRed

    Frownie, just heard you have the Ebola…that sucks, go to mustard seen, get ur wheatgrass on and get well soon.


    • actovegin1armstrong

      Frownie has Ebola again? It must be from that body breaking yoga torture.

      • MichaelTheRed

        frownie was apparently in the bridal store like an hour after the nurse. Probably be fine but they’re looking for people who were in that store after her. So Frownie’s probably gonna have to do some quarantine.

        • actovegin1armstrong

          Frownie will be fine, it is very difficult to catch Ebola, it has been around for at least 50 years. Unless that nurse spewed bodily fluids upon him, he did not pick up the virus and even if he did, cases treated quickly are far less frequently fatal than has been reported. The more frightening question is what was Frownie doing in a bridal store?

          • beeej

            I assume he was shopping for brides.

  • Mike B.

    Imposing 21st century morality on 15th century peoples is beyond silly and entering into child-like.

    As far as the founding ‘trans-atlantic’ slave trade, given that trans-african slave trade was thriving as was slavery among indigenous peoples on this side of the Atlantic, I’m having a hard time summoning outrage over what nets out to expanding a common ‘industry’ of those times.

    White people also abolished trans-atlantic slavery and chattel slavery in all areas they rule. This cannot be said for africans, arabs, asians, and native americans.

    Up to and until you start calling out other cultures for their practice and propagation of slavery (including by sharia-practicing muslims this very day) (including the 18M people enslaved TODAY in india), this stands as an example of the pathetic self-loathing hate whitey piece that realizes the opposite of its goal to have one join in on hating themselves and their history and drives make america great again movements. Count me out. I remain a big fan of western civilization.

    Sorry to piss on this post Pete, but the counter-point needed to be raised.

Previous post:

Next post: