Lemonade: So Bitter. So Sweet.

We realize that it doesn’t take much, but our minds are absolutely blown by the fact that nobody is suggesting that LeBron’s singularly un-LeBron like poor performance in the first two games of this playoff series against the Boston Celtics is due to a back injury. LeBron sat out a number of games at the end of the season because his back was hurting. As we’ve written/proselytized at length, back problems are serious, and anyone with feet aligned as LeBron’s are would be susceptible to back problems. If his back was hurting at the end of the season, why would it be hurting any less now? After more basketball games? After playoff basketball games? Against Soulja Boy? Despite what the dummies that are paid to write about our Cavs are writing, it’s no mystery why LeBron is playing so badly against the Celtics. His back hurts. He would not be playing like this if he was not hurt. The Celtics are not the Spurs. That this is apparently not obvious goes a long way toward explaining why the Cavs are favored to win tonight. We also understand that LeBron has Juice (JUICE), especially in front of the home crowd, and people rightly believe in him. We also suppose that Cavs backers are also encouraged by the fact that all three of the other Conference Semifinalists in this year’s playoffs won and covered after returning home in their respective series in 0-2 holes. It’s true. When people make bad picks those bad picks are usually based on bad reasons. In view of LeBron’s back problems, the above mentioned are all bad reasons to take the Cavs tonight. 60% of the players are playing the Cavs here. Reee-markable.

Maybe the Cavs will win tonight, but we can’t see any good reasons why we should put our Magic Stones on them. We’re pretty sure that the sooner this season ends the better. LeBron needs rest. Let’s not get down about this sweep, Brownstowners. It should be good for LeBron, and therefore good for us, in the long term. Let’s take these playoff lemons that have been thrown at us and turn them into some lemonade. Let’s take the Celts tonight. Even if we lose, we win. The pick: Boston Celtics +2 over Our Cavs.

Ducks, Pigeons, LeBron’s Bad Back, Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, Secret Weapons, and Jazz Hands Take 3: Luck the Fakers

The Cavs/Celtics series is over. It should be obvious to anyone who has watched a healthy LeBron James play basketball that LeBron James is not healthy. LeBron has been silent about his back problems throughout the Playoffs. And why shouldn’t he be? It doesn’t help him or the Cavs to publicize his injury. For those who are skeptical that this injury exists, we will direct your attention to what we think is the most significant piece of reporting on LeBron James that has been published in recent years. This item was published in Sports Illustrated’s 2006-2007 NBA Preview as a "Behind Enemy Lines" quote from an anonymous scout. Anonymous scout had this remarkable bit to say about LeBron:

“What amazes me most about LeBron James? The way he runs. Have you noticed that his toes turn out? Most good athletes are pigeon-toed; Michael Jordan is. I've never seen a guy with a duck walk run as fast as LeBron does.”

Anonymous scout is right. Look around for yourself. And you don’t need to look at the pros to see this. Look at your pals who are better than you at sports. Odds are that their toes tend toward pigeon rather than duck. Now look at the schlubbiest joe you know. Or a random schlub on the sidewalk. Big belly? Slouched shoulders? Humped back? Before you look down at his feet, we’ll bet you dollars to donuts that he’s duck-toed.

The reason for this, as any good yoga teacher will tell you, is that a gait that tends toward pigeon-toed-ness (toes pointing in) is indicative of proper alignment of the spine. The spine is the source of our limbs, and thus the source of our means to move. The spine is often “the first thing to go,” and when it does, pain and immobility follow. The same pain and immobility that is obviously plaguing LeBron James right now.

If you’re still skeptical, try the following experiment: Step 1): Stand up like you would normally stand, paying no attention to the alignment of your feet. Then plug the three points of each of your feet into the ground from the balls of your feet, your fifth metatarsal (the bone that sticks out of the outer sides of each foot), and your inner heel-bone. Once your feet are “plugged in,” straighten your legs as much as you can by pulling up on your quadriceps muscles, completely ironing out the backs of your knees while trying to send your upper inner thigh muscles straight back into the wall behind you. Do all of this without arching your lower back; i.e., try to keep your tailbone tucked underneath your body so that your pelvis remains perpendicular to the ground. Note carefully the effects of these movements on your lower back. These effects might be subtle and hard to notice at first, but if you pay careful attention, you will be able to tune in. Step 2): Repeat the above steps with your toes pointed further outward than they would be in your normal stance. You should feel your back tighten up, at least a little bit. Step 3): Now repeat the above steps with your feet aligned so that the outer edges of your foot are parallel. This will keep your toes pointed inward. You will feel a release in your lower back. Your lower back will be more mobile with your feet and legs in this position.

The above experiment shows that a duck-toed gait creates pressure on the lower back. Compound that pressure by years of running up and down a hardwood floor, and LeBron’s back problems should be no surprise to anyone. Fortunately for LeBron, and basketball fans everywhere, there is a cure for this problem. Yoga. We’ve said before that it never ceases to amaze us that athletes, pro or amateur, pay so much attention to their musculature and cardiovascular health, lifting weights and running while they do untold damage to their bones, joints, and ligaments -- the underlying structure that holds their musculature together. Yoga was invented thousands of years ago so that monks could sit up straight to meditate for longer periods of time. Every yoga “asana,” or pose, was invented so as to use the arms and legs (the “organs of action”) to create space and mobility in the spine. Unfortunately, the rapid development of western medicine has left yoga in the lurch. Another problem is that yoga has been commoditized and bastardized by certain hippies, preachers, and hucksters in such a way that its real benefits have been obscured from many. This is a shame because everyone could benefit from understanding these poses and how they help to keep us and our spines healthy without fancy medicine or painful and expensive physical therapy regimens. Some professional athletes have picked up on this, as have millions of Americans who have seen through the commoditization of yoga, and used it to untold benefit to their health and well being. We hope that LeBron can do the same during this off-season. We recommend Iyengar yoga as an uncommoditized/unbastardized school of yoga that is authentic and scientific in its approach.

As a reminder of how much can be accomplished in one off-season, now is as good a time as any to send out a hearty Cleveland Frowns shout to Cleveland’s own Cliff “Apesh*t” Lee, whose performance this season thus far has been nothing short of apesh*t. Last season, you might remember, Lee, a successful member of the Indians rotation for the better part of four major league seasons, simply could not get batters out. He was demoted to the minor leagues, and was left off of the Indians’ playoff roster. After an obviously productive off-season, he is pitching head and shoulders above every pitcher in baseball right now. 6 starts, 6 wins, 44.7 innings, 39 strikeouts, 2 (TWO!) walks, a 0.81 ERA, and a 0.60 WHIP. Apesh*t. Maybe LeBron can get some tips from Cliff on what to do during the offseason. It wouldn’t surprise us if Cliff learned some yoga in his downtime. He might not want to tell us because he might want it to be his secret weapon. With all the people out there who would like to have Cliff’s job, we can hardly blame him. There aren’t enough people as good at basketball to take LeBron’s job, even if they had this secret weapon, so LeBron wouldn’t have to keep it a secret.

A final note on the subject of the value of a good off-season, or at least the value of taking some periodic rest, we notice that our picks suffer when we don’t get enough rest ourselves. We’re afraid that we’ve stepped in a big pile of dung last weekend with our pick of the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semis. We believe in efficient markets, and the money involved in the Lakers being in the NBA Finals goes a long way in explaining how these whistles have blown in the first two games. We still think Utah is a better team than the Lakers. But they’re up against an insurmountable opponent. Nevertheless, we think that the David Stern Illuminati will call off the dogs tonight in Utah, and let them play tonight. Mr. Stern knows that a five game series never hurt anyone. We’ll go to the well for one last try with the Jazz Hands to get one in front of the home crowd tonight, after which we’ll expect Stern and the whistles to finish the job for the Lakers the rest of the way. The pick: Utah -4 against the Lakers. We’ll be back tomorrow to discuss the impending Celtics sweep.

Western Conference Semifinals Game 2: All Jazz Hands On Deck

We received the following insulting email this afternoon from the folks at Sportsbook.com:

"Hi [Cleveland Frowns],

Here's Sportsbook.com's Game of the Day:
The Lakers are peaking at the perfect time as they have won 13 out of their last 14 games straight up while covering their last seven games. Their average margin of victory in those seven covers was an impressive 15.4 points. In fact, out of those seven games, only one opponent was able to keep the final score within single digits. Utah, on the other hand, is just 1-4 against the spread in their last five games. Finally, the three times they visited the Lakers this season, Utah lost by double digits each time. Considering the intel above, it’s hard to blame the 79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers (-7).

Regards,

The Sportsbook.com Team"

Regards? More like reTards. As best we can tell this email tells us that the Lakers are on a good streak, and the Jazz are on a bad one. Only someone who is retarded would consider this information to be “intel.” And if this is all the info that the “79% of the early bettors pounding the Lakers -7” are going on then we can, in fact, blame them. We can blame them for BWR -- betting while retarded. This intel-insulting message from Sportsbook.com gives us reason enough to take the Jazz and the points tonight, but we probably would have anyway. We’re still mad about Kobe’s MVP award, and the Jazz looked good to us on Sunday even though they lost by 11. Deron Williams was all over the place, demonstrating his dopeness and consistently setting his teammates up with wide open looks which they consistently clanked off the iron. We expect them to hit more of these wide open shots tonight. Plus, now Kobe has his stupid award, so the Heisman effect will be more likely to have kicked in by now. Our attitude toward the “79% of early bettors pounding the Lakers” is aptly demonstrated in the above photo of Utah forward Andrei “I Must Break You” Kirilenko. The pick: Utah Jazz +7 over L.A. Lakers.

Update -- 5/8/08-- 7:36 AM: The NBA obviously really wants to see the Lakers in the NBA Finals. We thought we didn't have to worry about this after the Tim Donaghy scandal last year, but the refs were all over the Jazz last night, who were whistled for ten more fouls than the Lakers, and more importantly, shot only 16 free throws to the Lakers' 43. If the refs had it in for a team (like we think they do for Utah), they'd have to be careful to call enough fouls on the other team so that things wouldn't be too suspicious. They'd try to call these fouls against their favored team when these fouls wouldn't matter. There were more than a few times when Utah would pull down a defensive rebound and the refs would whistle the Lakers on a ticky-tack foul, giving the Jazz the ball out of bounds, when they already had the ball and a fresh shot clock anyway. These fouls are inconsequential to the outcome of the game. Phil Jackson himself even noticed the inconsistency of the refs, complaining publicly after game 1, saying: "It's a very uneven refereed ballgame. You know, they're calling little fouls one place and not fouls the other. It makes it very difficult to play a good, emotional game. So, that's tough. " This is exactly what the refs were doing, but we think they were doing so to create an advantage for the Lakers, who shot 16 more free throws than the Jazz in Game 1.

We still think that the Jazz look like a better team than the Lakers, but the refs are simply not letting them play their game. Two Utah starters have fouled out in each of the two games, and Utah star Carlos Boozer sat for most of the first half last night with foul trouble. Conspiracy theory? Excuse? Perhaps. But we can't deny what we see out there. And the free throw numbers don't lie. Plus, there is a lot of money to be made with a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. If markets are efficient, we have to be suspicious. David Stern was interviewed at halftime of last night's game and couldn't help himself, gushing like a schoolgirl about the turnaround seasons of the Lakers and Celtics, saying that these two teams "give hope" to the fans of other NBA teams. Nonsense. With the way this Lakers/Jazz series is playing out, it's precisely the opposite.

One last note: We're not blind to the possibility that the Jazz might be being punished by the Basketball Goddz for this. Yikes.

Update -- 5/7/08 -- 1:26 PM: We're not the only conspiracy theorists out there. T.J. Simers has this to say in today's LA Times:

"NBA Commissioner David Stern stopped by the press room before the game and said he had just met with the referees, I presume to remind them how excited he is about the upcoming Boston-L.A. Finals.

For some reason when this game started, the refs called four fouls on Utah, none on the Lakers, and then tagged Jazz Coach Jerry Sloan with a technical foul.No need to make it so obvious, guys.If Stern is worried about a Lakers-Celtics matchup, he ought to be spending most of his time with Boston. . . .

Utah shot the ball well early, but once the referees got into the game, it began to tip toward the Lakers. No doubt Tim Donaghy would have bet as much.Stern's crew took Utah's best player, Carlos Boozer, out of the game with a pair of first-quarter fouls, and then added another 19 seconds after he returned to start the second quarter. Boozer finished the half with no points, the refs doing the best job of defense on Boozer in the NBA this season.

Bryant also picked up two fouls, but his second came with the Lakers up by 15 with less than 30 seconds left in the first quarter and Bryant probably headed to the bench anyway for a rest.Final first-half stats, the Lakers making 15 of 19 free throws, the Jazz going four for six from the line and Stern being treated to a 14-point Lakers advantage.

The Lakers had 27 free-throw attempts, Utah eight after three quarters, and the Jazz still managed to keep it close. But that's the NBA for you, every game seemingly arranged so it will somehow remain close going into the final two minutes -- like that really happens.The Lakers won, Bryant got his Podoloff, and all in all, a good night for Stern and the NBA."

These are facts.

Note: We expressly disavow Simers' statements in his piece about Kobe's MVP award.

Eastern Conference Semifinals: Cavs vs. Celtics and Curse of Wahoo

We don’t have much to add to what’s already been said about the series between the Cavs and Celtics. We know that the Celtics are stronger on paper, and that our Cavs have problems; and the fact that the Cavs are whopping 5-1 underdogs despite LeBron’s playoff chops and the Celtics problems with the Hawks shows that the experts feel strongly about a Boston victory here. Of course, we’ve come to believe that anything is possible with LeBron. And this Celtics team is a little too contrived for our taste - it just seems like too much, metaphysically speaking, for the Boston organization to go from the cellar to the penthouse with just a few personnel moves in one off-season. But as our teams progress in the playoffs, the Curse of Wahoo grows stronger and stronger. Too strong for us to play the Cavs here. We’ll watch, and we’ll root for Cavs, but we're through banging our heads into the Curse of Wahoo. Until it lifts, we’re forced to keep our distance in circumstances like this.

Magic Stones Game 2 Pick

After sitting for a few extra days upon easily disposing of the Toronto Raptors in 5 games, we expected the Orlando Magic to come out rusty in Game 1 of their series with Detroit. We like their chances to right the ship tonight in Game 2. The Magic rely on the 3-point shot, but only made two on Saturday; their lowest output of the year. Magic star Dwight Howard only scored 12 points, to go with 6 rebounds and no blocks -- his lowest output of the postseason by far. We’ll chalk this up to the long layoff and opening night jitters. While the Magic played Detroit close through the first three quarters, they never found their rhythm. In keeping with our series play, we think that things can only get better for the Magic tonight. Plus, the Pistons are running their mouths, which is dumb. We’ll join the 27% of Game 2 players at Sportsbook.com who are taking the points tonight. The pick: Orlando Magic +6.5 over Detroit Pistons.

Update - 5/6/08 -8:43 AM: The Magic's 100-93 loss was what we call in the business "a bad beat" for those who took the points last night. Dwight Howard was vastly improved last night, pulling down 22 points and 28 boards, and the Magic were knocking down their threes (11-26). Down by 2 with roughly 30 seconds left in the game it looked like they had the cover locked up, but they couldn't make a play in those last 30 seconds and the Pistons hit all of their free throws to finish ahead by 7. Making matters worse, the referees mishandled a clock malfunction by allowing a Chauncey Billups' three-pointer at the end of the third period to stand, even though replays showed that it should have been disallowed. A bad beat. The last thing we'll say is that as Magic backers, we'd rather see the ball in Hedo Turkoglu's hands instead of Rashard Lewis's at the end of a game. We'll be back later this afternoon with a look at tonight's NBA action.

LeBron Robbed; Kobe to Win MVP; Cleveland Frowns Throws Up Jazz Hands

So it looks like Kobe Bryant is our 2007-2008 NBA MVP. Kobe is our MVP even though LeBron joined Oscar Robertson and Michael Jordan this season to become the third man in NBA history to average at least 30 points, 7 rebounds, and 7 assists per game. This is so beyond dumb that it’s hard for us to get worked up about it. By every measure LeBron James is having a better season than Kobe, and I don’t think it can be questioned that the if the two players switched teams, the Lakers would be better, and the Cavs would be worse. (Would any Cavs fan trade LeBron for Kobe? No.) Anyone who wants to argue this point must explain why LeBron has elevated his Playoff game in each year of his career and was able to singlehandedly lead the Cavs to the NBA Finals last season, while Kobe has struggled to lead a stronger supporting cast to a .500 record for the last three seasons without making a peep in the playoffs. Kobe proponents point to the Lakers better record in a better conference. Kelly Dwyer, in two excellent posts at Yahoo Sports about why LeBron should be MVP, responds well to these dummies:

“[Kobe] shouldn't be handed an MVP just because Andrew Bynum can ball now and the Grizzlies decided to hand the Lakers Pau Gasol. Meanwhile, James is just destroying people in Cleveland. Pulling in more rebounds on a team that owns the boards even without him (there's not a lot of stray rebounds to go around) and racking up assists on a team that can't shoot straight (44.1 percent, 24th in the NBA).

And yet, those who still consider Bryant to be having the better season than LeBron have no issue overlooking the fact that Bryant scores less, shoots worse, rebounds worse, assists worse, and plays on a team that averages fewer possessions than James' team. To them, Kobe's better because ... well, he just is.

The, "LeBron plays in the East!" cry is getting a little old. LBJ averages 29.8 points, 47.4 percent shooting, 7.1 assists, and 7.9 rebounds against Western teams. When James plays, the Cavs are 16-11 against the West. Kobe averages 29.7 points, 48.8 percent shooting, 6.5 boards, and 5.4 assists (again, in games with more possessions) against the West -- awesome -- but for some reason lets his averages go to relative pot against the East. You'd think it'd be because of the Lakers blowing Eastern teams out, but Kobe actually averages more minutes per game against Eastern squads than against Western outfits, and contributes less. Weird.

Worse, James is going to get burned by voters who will credit him for MVPs likely won from 2009-2019 and hand it to Kobe just because he's playing "unselfish" basketball."

LeBron dominates while carrying a bad team on his back, putting up better stats than Kobe in all major categories. He's nearly averaging a triple double in the playoffs, while playing with a bad back. Kobe is less productive on a better team. Kobe’s award makes clear that the NBA MVP award has become a lifetime achievement award like the kind that they hand out at the Oscars or Grammys. Dumb dumb dumb.

The least we can do about this injustice is make a play on the Jazz to beat the Lakers in the Western Conference semifinals. We’re not crazy about Utah; we’re concerned with Carlos Boozer’s poor play against Houston in the first round (and with the fact that he is a traitor), we’re pretty sure that the Lakers have a deeper bench; and we know that the NBA is salivating over the prospect of a Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals. But even aside from Kobe’s stupid award, these Lakers just don’t appeal to our BrownsTown sensibilities. We think that Kobe’s MVP award might have the same effect on him that the Heisman trophy has on college players playing in big bowl games. Plus, Utah’s Deron Williams is dope, we’d take Mehmet Okur in a knife fight over anyone on the Lakers roster, and, perhaps most importantly, don’t f*ck with Jerry Sloan. Finally, this play goes well with yesterday’s series play on the Magic because the Jazz are 3 to 1 underdogs, which means that we’d come out substantially ahead even if these two plays split. All reason enough to wave our Jazz hands. The pick: Utah Jazz +300/100 over the Lakers to win the series.

Update: 5/4/08, 3:43 PM --

Bring Out the Magic Stones!

Ours are out, and they're telling us that the Orlando Magic are an excellent play to beat the Detroit Pistons (the 'Stones) in the Eastern Conference Semifinals series that starts tonight in Detroit.

Any good Cleveland sports fan who's been around the block knows that the NBA Playoffs are where new blood comes to a boil. We saw it with LeBron last season, and it reminded us an awful lot of when the then-upstart Bulls sent our Daugherty, Price, Nance, Hot Rod and company packing in the 1989 Conference Finals. We think that the Pistons are a prime candidate for a scalding once again this year. Magic star Dwight Howard averaged 22.6 points, 18.2 rebounds and 3.8 blocks in Orlando's 4-1 series win over the Raptors. The former first overall draft pick has developed into a legitimate superstar. If you had to pick one guy to start a franchise with right now, he'd almost certainly be your number two pick behind LeBron. Hedo Turkoglu, Rashard Lewis, and Jameer Nelson provide a solid supporting cast for Howard. If we can't say for certain that this year's playoffs is Howard's time to shine, we can say that it's damn near close enough to make the Magic an easy pick as 2.5 to 1 underdogs. To clarify, a play of 100 magic stones on Orlando would net you a profit of 250 if they come through.


The Magic and Stones split their regular season series, with each team winning a close game, and a blowout. Detroit swept Orlando in the first round of last year's playoffs, but that was a different Magic team, which didn't have it's second and third leading scorers, Turkoglu and Lewis (who can both play like stars on any given night). Moreover, the experience from last year can only help the Howard and the Magic in this year's series.

We think that Magic coach Stan Van Gundy was trying to complement the Pistons when he recently called them basketball's version of the Atlanta Braves. We think the comparison is particularly apt because, despite all of their regular season success, the Braves have been bounced from the early rounds of the Playoffs in every season in recent memory. Being a team of veteran professionals who know how to endure the grind of the regular season and show up day after day is one thing. As the Pistons learned from LeBron last year, the playoffs are something different. We think the creaky-legged Pistons know this deep down, and will settle well into the role of washed up playoff losers. The Pick: Orlando Magic +240 /100 over Detroit Pistons to win the series.